


Lost for Words

by jillyfae



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Horizon (Mass Effect), Humor, Reconciliation, Romance, Sexual Content, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-30
Updated: 2011-11-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 23:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 62,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/906318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillyfae/pseuds/jillyfae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A completely AU Shenko reconciliation fic, set post-ME2, that fails to fit into the trilogy timeline much at all.  </p><p>There is not really much plot.  There isn't really any porn to make up for it either.  Though there is a fancy hotel room.  And Room Service.  And fluff and snark and the occasional attempted serious conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written shortly after ME2 came out, (started before any of the DLC, even), _Lost for Words_ was a one-shot Shenko and Horizon-fix. Because I’d had enough trouble just getting my Shepard off Lazarus station, (she probably would’ve shot Miranda and then herself and the game would’ve been over right then, because this whole resurrection thing was just wrong), Horizon was almost impossible. But, it didn’t quite work, and eventually spawned an extra 30 chapters of fluff and romance and an increasingly inaccurate title and Joker snark. Because Joker. :)
> 
> And then I deleted it. Because issues. And then I said I wouldn’t repost it, because I was having mental issues about long!fic and my writing in general, but then [Sia](http://siawrites.tumblr.com) requested it, and, well, I can deny her nothing. <3
> 
> The Shepard in this is an earlier iteration of the Ella I now write with Joker, so for those of you who read this when it was _Lost For Words_ … yes, I had to change her name. Ella gives me funny looks now if I try and pair her up with Alenko, and the Shepard in here isn’t really who Ella became, anyways. (She actually grasps the concept of elegance, for one thing. And has different parents. Oddly enough she’s also taller. Not that that ever comes up, just, you know, head-canon?) Though obviously there will be a lot of similarities, as she’s got the same psych and service backgrounds and the same basic original character template.
> 
> Despite the rather desperate urge to improve things that comes upon most of us when we look at our older work, I’m doing very little editing beyond the name change, and some clean up of the first chapter, and am forcing myself to post it mostly as-it-was in it’s original incarnation. (Be kind. It was almost 400k words ago, in terms of writing skill, and I finally only caved in posting it because I wanted to see my stats word count go over 500k. I am a shallow human being.)

Cara Shepard couldn’t breathe, wasn’t even sure her heart was still beating. She’d done so well, pretending she was alive and strong after Lazarus, knowing it was a lie. But she’d held out such hopes that someday it wouldn’t be, someday she’d get her feet back under her, someday she’d find her place back in the galaxy.  
  
She hadn’t realized how much of that hope had been tied up in finding Kaidan Alenko again until he ripped it all away from her with a few choice words.  And now she was going to die, again, running out of oxygen. Surely there was no oxygen, even though she was still standing on Horizon’s hard ground, the breeze blowing past her hair.  
  
Slowly, her brain kept processing the words to go along with the anger that had just been flung at her, and she felt her heart catch and stumble, and her lungs start working again.  _Be careful… he said be careful at the end._  
  
"Stay here," she barked, without even glancing at the teammates behind her. She didn’t see Garrus reach out and place a hand on Mordin’s shoulder, stopping the inquisitive salarian before he could move, even managing with a quick shake of his head to stop the doctor from talking. Instead, all her focus was on the person who had walked away from her.   
  
 _I never thought I’d see him walk away from anything.  Not a fight, not a job. Not me._  
  
She spared one quick thought to turning off her comm as she ran. She didn’t need eavesdroppers for this conversation; bad enough there had been witnesses to the first half of it.  
  
She didn’t bother calling out to him. She knew he wouldn’t stop. She was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to listen to her if the situation was reversed, which meant she’d have to make him. So she tackled him, flinging them both hard up against the wall of one of the colony’s pre-fab buildings.  
  
Shepard was perfectly well aware that Alenko had to have heard that final dash, which he was more than fast and strong enough to have blocked even without resorting to a biotic  _push_ or an armor  _overload_. The fact that he just stood there, staring, his breathing harsh as he recovered from the dual hits of metal wall and Shepard’s armored form, added to the agony of hope fluttering in her gut.  
  
"I’m sorry." She knew he needed more than that, deserved more than that, but her mad dash hadn’t granted her any inspiration for what else to say.  
  
 _I can’t believe you, of all people, don’t trust me. You were the first person I wanted to find after Cerberus woke me up._  
  
 _I don’t trust Cerberus, I hate working with them, but there’s no one else out here, and Anderson wouldn’t tell me how to find you._  
  
 _I have your picture on my desk._  
  
 _You’re the last person I think about every night before I go to sleep._  
  
 _I didn’t want to die on you._  
  
 _I miss you._  
  
 _I love you._  
  
Instead of speaking, she just stood there, trying to decide if she wanted to slap him for not trusting her, or kiss him in relief that he was still alive. Inarticulate with emotion, she stared at the face just inches in front of her own, feeling the warmth of his body even through two sets of armor, hoping to recapture the connection she’d felt ever since she introduced herself to him as Captain Anderson’s XO before the first flight of the first  _Normandy_.  
  
But something had changed. When they’d spent all those months on the original Normandy inching towards each other, she’d known what was happening every time she’d caught her Lieutenant’s eyes. Their brown depths had been clear, and they had shown exactly what he’d wanted. He’d chosen not to act on it, as had she, but the knowledge had still been there. Now, staring into his eyes was torture, her fear reflected by his confusion, both of them furious.   
  
Shepard forced herself to step back, to give them a chance to breathe.  
  
"This isn’t what I wanted Alenko. I’m trying my best, and it’s not good enough, but I don’t know what I could do differently. The mission has to come first, for both of us. I just couldn’t let you go without telling you… something." Shepard shook her head, listening to her own voice trail off with lame excuses.  
  
Something in what she’d said must have made more sense than she’d expected, however.   
  
Kaidan’s face slowly snuck its way into the familiar half-smile she’d been afraid she’d never see again. Resisting the urge to rub her breastbone in reaction to her lurching heart,  _damn, Miranda is going to yell at me for breaking the new heart she just grew me if this keeps up_ , Cara smiled tentatively back at him.  
  
"Hell of a thing." Kaidan’s voice was both raspier and quieter than it had been, whispering its way past the lingering shock she’d felt at his accusations. “I make the famous Spectre speechless."  
  
"Thought that was my job," she whispered back. She felt the air between them decrease, forced away as Kaidan edged closer, taking up the space it used to occupy.  
  
And then all her air was gone again, full of Kaidan, and his hands were in her hair, and his lips forced themselves on hers, and she could taste his anger and desperation as it battled with her own, and she was dying for the second time in one day, for the third time in one life, but it was worth it, and she’d never need to breathe again if only he never stopped.  
  
But he did.  
  
His hands were on her shoulders, their grip so tight she imagined she could feel each finger through her armor, and he was still so angry, eyebrows low and jaw tight, eyes shifting as his gaze roamed across her face, as if he was still trying to figure out who she was.  
  
 _I’m still working on that one too, sorry._  
  
"What are we doing?  What are you doing?  Do you even know?"  
  
Shepard reached up slowly, until her own fingers rested on top of his hands.  "Can you tell me what you’re doing here, Alenko?"  
  
He jerked, stepping back as far as he could without actually letting go, a short sharp shake of his head answering her question for her.   _No_.   
  
"I want to tell you.  I want you at my back, on my ship.  But you can’t come, can you?"  
  
He swallowed hard before he shook his head again.  She could see more pain in his eyes than anger, now.  "If I could …"  
  
"If you could, I’d take you in a heartbeat.  Less than a heartbeat.  I’d give you every file and every message and every thought in my head.  But it’s not safe, now, is it?"  
  
"No."  At that his hands finally dropped, and he took another step away.  "It’s really not."  
  
"If we both come out the other side of … this," she gestured vaguely up towards where the Collector’s ship had gone.  "I’d still like to try."  
  
"Take two?"  An eyebrow lifted, almost amusement despite everything.  "Assuming there’s an after?"  
  
"I like that plan. Alenko and Shepard, take two."  She felt herself smile at that.  Smile at him.  Maybe she had some hope left in her after all.    
  
They stood there for just a moment, enjoying the illusion of peace.  "Well… "   
  
They’d both shifted, a sigh from Shepard and a shrug from Alenko.  "I have to go report to Anderson."  
  
"And I have to…"  
  
"Do something you’d better not tell me, I’d imagine."  
  
A moment’s awkward silence, and then he offered her a salute; time to be soldiers again.  
  
She returned it, her throat tight with all the things she couldn’t say, or even think, and the moment his hand dropped she spun on her toes, striding back towards her waiting team.  
  
Shepard didn’t dare look back.  "Joker?"  She lifted a hand to turn her comm back on again.  "Send the shuttle to pick us up."


	2. Anticipation

_We made it back. My fancy ship is a little dinged up though, and our favorite pilot refuses to fly it for me until it gets all patched up. Liara keeps offering to help pay for docking fees, so we’re at Illium, and will be for awhile. Still want take two?_

Alenko hadn’t realized relief would hurt, for just an instant, as it blew away the worry he’d been trying to hide as he got shuttled from one debrief to another meeting and back again, over and over, ever since Horizon. He closed his eyes for just a second to savor the sensation, before closing the message on his omnitool and leaning back in the chair he’d claimed outside Councilor Anderson’s office.

His tactics for the next meeting would have to change, if he was going to get himself off the Citadel and out to Illium. The question was, how permanent did he need this change to be? Was he planning on returning? Or was he going back to her, finding out the truth of who she was and who she used to be, staying ‘til he knew, regardless of who’d built her fancy ship, or how it made him look?

_She might still need the Alliance. Might need the connections I still have. Better try not to burn any bridges. How to get myself an approved trip to Illium then?_

"Staff Commander?" He looked up as Anderson’s assistant gestured from the doorway. “He’s ready for you."

"Alenko." The former Captain nodded briskly at his guest, but his shoulders slumped just the slightest bit after the door closed behind his retreating assistant. Alenko smiled grimly to himself. He knew he was one of the few people around whom Anderson could relax his ever-vigilant First Human Councilor persona.

Nodding a greeting in return, Alenko got right to business. “Not to make your life more difficult, sir, but is there any chance we’re done with all the meetings yet?"

Anderson leaned back in his chair and waited, knowing the Commander well enough to expect a bit more explanation for his desire to change the status quo.

Alenko shrugged a bit uncomfortably. “It’s just, well… I haven’t thought of a different way to say the same thing over and over again, and I haven’t taken leave in, what, almost four years? I’m tired of hearing everyone try and pretend Shepard is crazy, or wrong, or a traitor, or whatever other nasty spin they can think up next."

He sighed, and collapsed into a chair, a bit surprised that he’d answered almost completely honestly. He’d barely shut his mouth before the " _and I desperately want to see her again before I go completely crazy_ " popped out. He had a feeling from the look Anderson leveled in his direction that his former CO had some idea that he’d left something out, however.

"If it helps," Alenko was a bit surprised to hear himself start talking again, as he was usually much better at keeping his mouth shut, “I can go to Illium. Ask Liara, Dr. T’Soni, if she knows anything. In retrospect, some of her behavior at Shepard’s funeral, and the speed with which she headed out of Citadel space afterwards, makes me think she might have had some idea of what Cerberus was doing.  Maybe even whatever they still  _are_  doing."  _Wow, you’d think I’d planned this out rather than just opening my mouth and letting my subconscious take over. Much better than the last time I opened my mouth without thinking._  He mentally winced at the memory of his lost temper on Horizon, before forcing his attention back to the conversation his mouth seemed to be having without any input from the rest of him. “Not that she’ll tell me anything, but it’s a good excuse, and I need a break." He finally got his brain involved again, forcibly reminding himself to shut up while the shutting up was good.

Anderson leaned forward in his chair, mirroring the younger man’s posture as he stared at his unusually loquacious agent. His Councilor mask had fallen back onto his face, and Alenko couldn’t quite decipher the man’s expression.

"All right." Anderson nodded. Alenko just sat in shock for a moment. “Go. Go on, why are you still sitting here? I can take care of those obnoxious investigators. Maybe I’ll even sic the Ambassador on them." The slightest of wry grins twisted his mouth briefly, reflecting the likelihood that Udina wouldn’t want to cooperate with this plan. “I’ve got your back."

As Alenko escaped the office, already planning the fastest route out to the Terminus systems, he barely heard the Councilor’s final comment, heavy with previous regrets. “And hers."

* * *

Shepard sat at the desk in her generic hotel room, drumming her fingers on the probably very expensive inlaid wood. Liara had put the whole crew up, saying she had enough favors saved up around Nos Astra that it wouldn’t even put a dent in her operations. The asari obviously still felt guilty about her involvement with Cerberus, followed by the situation with the Shadow Broker that had kept her from helping directly.

As Shepard had just told Sugar-Timmy to fuck off, she couldn’t really afford to turn down the help, and had limped off to Illium after returning through the Omega-4 relay.

 _I have been spending too much time with Joker. Sugar-Timmy…_  She shook her head in self-disgust, trying to find something to distract her wandering thoughts. But there was nothing to focus on. She was stuck on Illium as other people fixed her ship, with no idea what to do next.

She couldn’t remember the last time she hadn’t had anything to do, a plan to follow, a crew to protect, a galaxy to save. Well, that wasn’t true. The last time she’d thought she was going to have some downtime, and had even started planning some lovely shore leave, she’d died.

She really didn’t want to think about that.

She really needed something to do. Besides wait. And worry. And try not to do math in her head.

_I sent the message to Alenko as soon as we passed the comm-buoy closest to the Omega-4 relay. Assuming he was still at the Citadel, the soonest he could get to Illium would be… tomorrow? If I’m lucky, and he hurried. But if he was somewhere else… or couldn’t leave right away… What if he didn’t want to leave right away? What if he isn’t coming at all?_

Her heart clenched for an instant, before her temper flared and kicked it going again.  _Fuck that. If he hasn’t shown up by the time my crew is back, and the_ Normandy SR-2 _is up and running again, I’ll hunt him down and kick his ass until he apologizes for ever doubting me. And until then, I’m tired of sitting in the damn room._

Checking her heavy pistol was tucked discretely under her coat, Shepard headed out in search of some distraction. Jacob owed her a drink. She doubted he’d mind paying up on Illium instead of the Citadel.


	3. Interaction

Alenko knew he was bordering on stalker levels, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d been so shell-shocked when he’d heard Shepard’s voice on Horizon. He knew he couldn’t handle any massive surprises a second time. If he lost control again, he might lash out with more than words. An angry biotic was good for no one.

Or, at least, that’s what he told himself as he got closer and closer to the location he’d received back from his ping of Shepard’s omnitool. It had been a risky move. She was a lousy tech, but if someone like Garrus had a look at her ‘tool, he might notice what Alenko had done. And if that happened, there was no telling how Shepard would react. Worried he was spying on her, angry because she thought he didn’t trust her… delighted that he’d wanted to surprise her was unlikely to be at the top of the list, however. For all he desperately wanted things to work between them, he had no idea how to start over again.

His lack of a plan was, of course, the only thing he could think about now that he found himself approaching a seriously luxurious hotel and getting the occasional almost-dirty look from the regular well-to-do guests; his civvies and duffel did look a bit out of place. He hadn’t realized he’d need to dress up just to  _find_  his hopefully-not-ex… girlfriend? CO? Best and worst thing that ever happened to him all rolled up into one?

He was thinking too much, he knew it. But he couldn’t seem to stop. He didn’t think he’d been this nervous since the shuttle for Brain Camp. After everything that had happened there, not much since had seemed worth getting nervous about. Except Shepard. At least there wasn’t a murderously violent Turian waiting for him this time. Hopefully. Vakarian had looked ready to whip out the sniper rifle on Horizon.  _Thinking about Horizon and Garrus is not helping. Think about Shepard. That’s why I’m here, right?_

The doors to the lobby opened automatically in front of him, and he looked around cautiously as he strode across the thick carpet. Definitely above his paygrade. Plush leather chairs, exotic plants, bright abstract paintings. There was even a fancy mural-thing sprawling across the ceiling.  _With metallic trim? Is that really gold and platinum gilding?_

He almost tripped at the edge of the plush carpeting as it transitioned into the hallway, when an unexpected phrase caught his eye from the window of the gift-shop off of the lobby.  _Mindoir Exotics?_

His curiosity got the better of him.  _I hadn’t heard Mindoir had any major exports. Wonder if Shepard knows._  Upon entering the tiny shop, he was confronted with a wall of flowers, and he could suddenly hear Shepard’s voice whispering in his ear about the hybrids her mother had kept trying to grow on Mindoir. They’d been talking as they were curled up together in bed in the middle of the night, reminiscing about simpler times, before BAaT, and slavers, and Reapers.

Someone had obviously had better luck with the hybridization than Grace Shepard, judging by the wild multi-colored plant cuttings in front of him. They seemed almost like tulips on red-sand, extra petals bright in shades of blue and red and purple, with leaves of several different shades of green. Alenko rather thought they looked like they were plotting to induce migraines in the entire unsuspecting populace of Illium.

Wincing away from the variegated blooms, his eyes caught the rows of small white flowers lining the bottom of the flower cooler, delicate leafy bunches designed to fill out bouquets of the flashier blossoms. Leaning down, he carefully sniffed at the baby’s breath, catching a light spicy scent of cinnamon and tarragon. Exactly like Shepard had described her mother’s one successful splicing.

"Can I help you, sir?" Alenko glanced up to see a politely smiling asari in a simple white dress and apron. “Picking out a little something for a special someone, perhaps?"

Alenko found himself slightly amused at how successfully she’d managed to avoid implying a specific race, gender, or relationship with her question. Flowers in a hotel lobby gift shop were probably almost exclusively for clandestine assignations or profuse apologies, no matter how fancy the hotel.  _Not that I’m any different,_ he admitted wryly to himself,  _probably not even in the fact that I’m hoping for both._

"Can I just get some baby’s breath?" He asked as he stood up and faced the shop clerk. Her obviously well-practiced customer service smile twitched for just a moment in surprise.  _Well, look at that, I suggested something an asari never heard before. Should I be proud, or disturbed?_

"Of course," she answered smoothly, as if that flicker of surprise had never happened, “will two packets be sufficient?" She started gathering two together and wrapping them neatly with a ribbon in response to his nod. “This strain of baby’s breath is actually called graceling. It’s a non-native hybrid that was discovered to have propagated on its own when humans resettled the original colony site on Mindoir. The spicy scent is what makes it distinct from the Terran varieties."

She handed the bundle over with a slight frown, her eyes narrowing as she stared at him, as if he was suddenly familiar. As Alenko had managed to spend his entire life out of the spotlight, even mostly avoiding the reporters when they’d been following Shepard around, the thought was rather disturbing. “On the house, sir."

"Uh. Huh?" Alenko was pretty sure that that wasn’t normal, but before he could think of anything to say, the shop clerk had somehow gently suggested he turn around, and nudged him out the door. Judging by the red glow on the panel, she’d then locked it behind him. Which was even less normal, it being a reasonable hour in the morning local time.

He stood by the door for a second, debating what had just happened. Then he looked down at the bouquet in his hand and shrugged. He had more important things to worry about. Like hoping his ping was precise enough he could find the right room, which seemed to be up near the top of the hotel. Next step then, was the elevators.


	4. Implication

"Maia, it’s good to see you again. Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, I’m hoping I’ve finally got something you’d like to hear. Start paying back some of those debts." The graceful Maiden settled easily into the chair facing Liara’s desk and smiled gently at her younger friend.

"Ah, Maia, you don’t owe me anything. But I certainly won’t turn down any news, if you think it’s something I can use."

"Use, maybe not. It’s just… you remember that list you gave me? I gathered they were your former crew-mates from your traveling days?" Maia paused and tilted her head questioningly, waiting for the very slight nod Liara admitted before continuing.

"I saw one of them today. Buying flowers, of all things. Not even proper flowers, but the little white ones we use to fill out the bouquets, the gracelings."

Liara leaned back in her chair in surprise. She had a pretty good idea who would show up on Illium, now that Shepard was grounded, but  _flowers_? She never would’ve considered that Shepard would like flowers. And if she had, she would’ve gotten her the brightest bouquet she could, to compliment that vivid personality.

_Maybe that’s why she… he always saw **her**  first, a soldier second. I put her on a pedestal, my own personal, what’s the human phrase, white knight? Never considered she might need to be cherished rather than admired, might want to be taken care of, sometimes, just like anyone else. Hope he does that. I’m sure she needs it now, after everything Cerberus did “for" her._

Liara suppressed the familiar flash of defensive guilt over her own actions, however necessary. She looked at her friend, sitting quietly, poised and confident as always, her blue skin almost glowing in contrast to her customary simple white dress.

"I think that’s good news, Maia. I hope so, at least. Thank you."

"You already know who it is, don’t you? I should have known I wouldn’t manage to surprise you."

"Oh, I’m surprised. And curious. But I’ll have to wait to find out the results, I think."

"Not too long, I’m sure. He didn’t have a large bag with him." Maia stood, smoothing the front of her dress as she went. “I’ll just leave you to your curiosity then, and hope I find something a bit more unexpected next time. Goddess guide you, Liara."

"Thank you Maia, may She smile on you as well."


	5. Agitation

_Damn. Morning. I don’t know what this crap is, but despite the pretty Asari script declaring its authenticity, it is not coffee. What the hell did I let Mordin talk me into drinking last night?_

She’d thought the scientist a safer bet than listening to Tali or Garrus.  _Dextro-proteins plotting something. Guess the scientist was running an experiment on us crazy hormonal creatures, though, cause I have never felt this foggy after a night drinking. Plus, whatever-it-was might have managed to entice Jacob and Miranda to leave together and I didn’t think anything could do that._

_Or maybe he was fleeing his wiped out credit? Didn’t realize his offer to spill drinks was going to be taken up by the entire crew. I think even Chakwas was there, for awhile… did I really see her leaving with that Matriarch bartender? Nah, that can’t be right… if it is though, I think I might be the only member of the crew who didn’t get laid last night._

Scowling down at her coffee mug, Shepard made sure to quash that train of thought before it went any further and started a pity party regarding Alenko’s lack of response to her message.  _Making coffee was enough work for this morning. I do not need to get into heavy mental lifting until at least halfway to dinner time. Maybe later. Maybe even tomorrow._

A knock from the suite’s door interrupted her mental procrastination.  _Really? Someone’s out and about already? After last night? Maybe it’s Liara, with news of some sort? Only person I know on Illium who didn’t try and buy me a drink last night._

Repressing a groan, Shepard levered herself out of her chair and staggered over to the door, slamming the entry pad before she remembered she was still in just a nightshirt.  _Ah well, Liara’s seen me dead, it’s not like a little leg will…_

She stared. It wasn’t Liara.

"Kaidan." She couldn’t even hear her own voice, she’d breathed his name out so quietly.  _He’s early. How’d he get here so fast? He looks tired. He’s got that line between his brows again, the one I wanted to smooth away back before Ilos… aww, it’s gone. Why’d it go away? Oh, he’s smiling now. He has such a nice smile… and his eyes…_

A flush of heat spread across her face at the look in his eyes, at the glance she’d caught working its way up her entire body. Muscles that had been mostly ignored since her resurrection tightened low in her body in sudden, overwhelming anticipation.  _He always was a leg man…_

"Can I come in?"

_How long was I just standing there staring at him?_

"Oh, right, of course." Cara stepped back and gestured awkwardly, suddenly wishing she was wearing pants.  _Or that he wasn’t?_  She wasn’t sure what to say, or do, or even where to look, and was shocked to realize her hands were fidgeting with the hem of her nightshirt, trying to pull it further down her legs.   _Stop that. He’s seen your legs before. And thinking any more about any of the times when that happened is Not Helping._

"Um. Coffee?"  _Thank goodness, at least my voice works, brain or not._  “Or, at least, it’s sort-of coffee."

"Actually, I’ve got something for you."  
  
Her eyes finally stopped fidgeting and settled on him, and she felt her body shudder as a familiar scent teased her nose, wafting from the tiny white blossoms he was holding out towards her. Her arms moved, reaching out slowly, until finally they pulled back again and she could bury her face in the small bouquet, sighing in delight. “Mama… "

_Ah Mama, how I wish you were still here, making me cookies and threatening to smack my hand with the wooden spoon when I grabbed too many, or whined too long about the latest catastrophe at school…_

She felt herself smile wobbily at the memory, and looked up at Kaidan, who despite stepping closer to her as she’d inhaled his present looked rather blurry. “Where? How? Wha — ?"  
  
"Ah, Cara… "  _My name?_ Shepard sniffled, just a little.  _I don’t think anyone’s actually said my first name in ages, in… a lifetime. No one’s called me by name since… Kaidan. Brought me my morning coffee before the Collector attack that killed me._

Soft and warm, the feeling of his skin against the side of her face, his hand cupping her cheek, his thumb gently smoothing the moisture out from under her left eye. “The gift shop had a whole wall of flowers from Mindoir. I thought you’d like them. They’re, uh, named after your mother, in fact. Gracelings."  
  
His face, so close to her own, the compassion clear in his eyes, the way his hand, touching her, seemed to soothe more than her skin, reaching the emotions she’d buried for months, broke something she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding tight since her resurrection. With a painful gasp, she flung herself into Kaidan, her head buried into his shoulder, as the tears came.   
  
She felt him stagger, distantly, but couldn’t make herself care, wrapping herself around him tightly, as if her grip on him was the only thing keeping her whole, her salvation from breaking into jagged pieces only found when his arms wrapped equally tightly around her, grounding and securing them both.  
  
She sobbed, loudly, desperately, as she hadn’t even allowed herself when she’d cried herself to sleep after the Raid, the scent of the flowers extra pungent now that they’d been crushed between them.  
  
"aah, Mama… not weeds, your flowers… they grew"   
  
 _Something survived, besides me, something beautiful, more beautiful than…_  
  
 _soldier, only good for fighting…_  
  
 _so angry, too angry, and now, what now?_  
  
 _Fighting’s all I know, and it’s not enough, doesn’t change things, doesn’t save people, didn’t save me…_  
  
 _Can’t even die right…_  
  
 _Took me away, everything’s gone, even I was gone, and nothing there… so cold, alone, forgotten, despised, discarded._  
  
 _They threw away everything I fought for… why?_  
  
 _Why?_  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Shhh, Cara, it’s going to be alright, I promise." Cara felt Kaidan’s hand rubbing up and down her back, slower than her giant sobs, her frantic heartbeat, soothing as much as his voice whispering in her ear.   
  
She’d somehow ended up practically curled into a ball, in his lap, on the couch, sobbing until she’d given herself a headache. She could feel the throbbing in her temples, the pressure in her sinuses, the heat across her cheeks. She hated crying, and made herself swallow a sob, or two, before she asked again, her voice still rough and creaky.  
  
"Why?" She could feel her biotic aura flaring with her emotional stress, the tingle of dark energy flickering across her skin. She tried to catch her breath, to gain enough control to say more without triggering more tears.  
  
"Why what? Please… just talk to me." She could feel his hand in her hair, gently encouraging her to move, to look at him, to let him help.  
  
Lifting her head, she stared at Kaidan’s face, his dark skin showing olive highlights from the blue flickers she couldn’t quite contain. His shirt was a disaster, the shoulder damp, the fabric stretched where she’d been clenching it in her hands.   
  
Her face was hot, red and damp and sticky from the tears, her nose running messily. She barely resisted the urge to wipe it, hard, against the shoulder of her nightshirt. Instead she just sniffed, once, and wailed like a child throwing a tantrum.  
  
"How could you do that, how could you let them do that to me?" Her hands, loosely fisted, pounded for emphasis on Kaidan’s chest. “I died, and you let them throw me away, attack my name, destroy everything we’d fought for. The Council, the Alliance, even Anderson! Why, Kaidan, why didn’t you stand up for me?"  
  
"What was I supposed to do?!?" Some small part of Cara’s brain noticed he was flaring blue as well, losing his tight grip on his emotions just as easily as she had. “Walk up to the Council and tell them to stop being idiots? Anderson tried that, and for all he’s supposed to be their equal it didn’t get him very far. Call your good friend Emily Wong and ask for an interview? Before I finished saying the word “Reaper" I’d be locked up in a padded cell, my amp yanked out, drugged to the eyebrows, with whispers of “L2 meltdown" destroying what little credibility Anderson had managed to build up!"  
  
At some point they’d both stood up, yelling at each other in the narrow space between couch and coffee table, blue light flaring and reflecting off the windows, competing with the light show of the peaceful sunlight flashing off Illium’s grand skyscrapers.  
  
"At least in the Alliance I could still do some good, help some people, remind the brass, at least behind closed doors, that Sovereign wasn’t the end of it, that we weren’t done. Better than dumping everything I’d ever stood for and letting a bunch of psychopaths call the shots!" Alenko practically snarled at her, and she thought she heard her coffee mug fall off the table beside them. She didn’t bother looking.  
  
"Oh, I’m a pychopath now, am I? Just because Cerberus were the only ones who’d admit there was a problem, who were trying to do anything about it? Do you really think I wanted to work with them? Do you really think, if there’d been any other way to save those colonists, I wouldn’t have taken it? It’s not like you or your precious Alliance saved anyone on Horizon, now is it?" The tactical part of Shepard’s brain attempted to suggest that she’d gone too far with that last comment, but she ignored it.  
  
"They used to be your precious Alliance too. The woman I fell in love with would never have sacrificed her principles to work with a bunch of terrorist thugs!"  
  
"The woman you fell in love with had people backing her up, rather than hiding their heads in the sand, and I have always done whatever it takes to get the job done. Or did you forget, in your idealistic little bubble, that I was the Butcher of Torfan before I was the Savior of the Citadel?"   
  
That time she was sure she heard something fall and shatter somewhere behind Alenko, but she didn’t care.  
  
He stomped forward, grinding dropped flowers into the carpet with every step, and leaned close, hissing directly into her face. “I have spent the past two years remembering every single detail about every conversation we ever had, dreaming almost every night about what little time we had together. I’d wake up, and for just an instant, imagine you weren’t dead. And then I’d live through finding Joker’s pod, and the empty casket at your funeral, all over again. Don’t you dare claim I’ve forgotten who you are, when you’re the one who didn’t bother telling me you were alive, and went flying about the galaxy without me."  
  
"I couldn’t find you… " Her voice broke, the sharp ache in her chest making her feel more like crying again than yelling. She closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the renewed scent of her mother’s dying blossoms. “I was dead, and you weren’t there, and it had been two years, and what if you’d moved on? The first I heard where you were was Horizon, and I was so afraid the Collectors had gotten you, and then you were safe, and… and I almost wished they’d gotten me rather than making me watch you walk away, twice." She was barely whispering, and felt her whole body slumping in exhaustion at that final admission.  
  
Kaidan’s voice was just as soft, a husky whisper as he reached out and cradled her face in both hands, forcing her to open her eyes and look directly at him. His eyes caught hers, shadowed by the memories of too many good-byes. “I am never walking away from you again, not even if you order me to. Never."  
  
Cara couldn’t help the hint of a smile, the relief bubbling up at his words, at his nearness. “I couldn’t order you, now. You went and got yourself promoted, Staff Commander Alenko."  
  
Kaidan’s half-smile back almost broke her heart with delight. She felt them both moving slowly, edging backwards, their auras flickering together, the conflicting energies like a ghostly caress, a feeling no less tangible for all that it was happening in the air between them rather than on their skin.  
  
"And you’re still a Spectre, ma’am. You could order me to do almost anything, no questions asked."  
  
"Almost, Alenko?" He’d backed them up far enough that she could feel the wall behind her, cool against her butt and shoulders even through her nightshirt.  
  
He leaned over and whispered directly in her ear, the sensation of his breath sending a shiver down her spine. “Just try me, Shepard. Try and find something I won’t do for you." His mouth descended the barest fraction, his lips finding the sensitive spot on her neck, just below her jawline. Her breath escaped with a whimper, and she lifted her head up and back to encourage him to continue.  
  
"You should know," she managed breathily, “the bedroom’s back the way we came." She felt his chuckle vibrate against her throat, causing her hands to clench together behind his neck to help hold her up despite her knees’ attempt to buckle.  
  
"You found something I won’t do already, Spectre." His hands, which had been gently teasing her breasts, slid down her sides, past her ribs, caressing the slight curve of her hips with his thumbs before sliding back and tightening his grip right where ass met thigh. With one pull, her legs were up off the ground and wrapped around his hips, their bodies slamming together as he pushed her back hard against the wall to brace them both. “We’re not going to make it to the bedroom."


	6. Conversation

Kaidan lay on his side in the bed they’d eventually reached, the suite surrounded by the total quiet only possible with expensive soundproofing. They’d needed the imaginary anonymity provided by the cloak of darkness before either could begin to speak of the almost three years they’d lost.  
  
But now Cara’s head was on his shoulder, her breath tickling his elbow as her voice washed over him. His other arm held her back tight against his chest as she told the tale of her resurrection and the mission that most of her crew had somehow survived. A crew that included Joker, Chakwas, Tali, and Garrus. Other former Alliance personnel. A large contingent of alien recruits, and apparently even a geth, the thought of which he couldn’t process in the slightest. All of whom had been willing to put aside their opinions of Cerberus to help Shepard.  
  
His own inability to do the same burned like acid in his gut, forcing him to swallow the nausea over and over again as she spoke, the unsteady stroking of his fingers across the soft skin of her stomach the only reaction he could allow himself until she finished. And so he listened, Shepard’s voice brittle and detached as she forced the words out. It worried him.   
  
His Cara was never detached. Even in command mode, you could hear the passion, the anger, the sympathy hiding underneath her words. But there was little he could do to help, struggling as he was with his own emotions, eyes clenched shut and his head tucked down against her hair.  
  
He’d been so angry ever since she died. Angry at the Council for ignoring the Reapers and sending the Normandy crew after Geth, all alone, easy prey for the Collector ambush. Angry at himself, for obeying Shepard’s order to evacuate. Angry at Joker, for disobeying the order when he couldn’t. Angry at Shepard for getting herself killed. He’d buried it under work, but it had still been smoldering deep inside. Until Horizon.  
  
Finding her alive should have cured him, but the rage had flared up higher than ever. Anger at the colonists, the Collectors, Cerberus, Vakarian and the salarian guarding Shepard’s back in his place. But mostly, anger at Shepard for being alive, and fighting the monsters he couldn’t, without him, and apparently not missing him or needing him nearly as much as he’d needed her.   
  
For being alive and not even telling him.  
  
But then she’d stopped his retreat, and he didn’t understand anything at all of what was going on, but the stricken look on her face, as if he was the one who’d disappeared on her, was more than he could bear.  
  
She’d smelled and tasted the same as he’d remembered. His brain and body had decided pretty quickly that, somehow, this was the same woman he’d known, but he couldn’t get the bitter taste of perceived betrayal out of his throat, or soothe the desperation that gripped his heart every time he thought of her.  
  
Stuck on the Citadel afterwards, all he could do was wait, listening to the investigators insult Shepard’s memory with every word, and having nothing he could use to refute their claims beyond the simple fact that he knew better. But he didn’t know anything at all. He didn’t know why she was alive, or how Cerberus had gotten its claws in her, or what she was doing in the Terminus systems, or when he’d hear from her again. It was torture.  
  
Now, finally, he was getting answers to questions he hadn’t even known to ask, and it was somehow worse. She’d woken up alone, and he wasn’t there. Didn’t know. She was under attack, and had to rely on Cerberus to keep her alive. Cerberus…  
  
Kaidan felt a vicious surge of satisfaction when she told him Miranda Lawson killed the man who’d set up the ambush in the facility, for all he knew it was short-sighted, and exactly the type of irrevocable violence he’d spent his entire life trying to prevent. But the man had sold Cara out for money, and if he even knew who had paid him off he’d have been unlikely to share. Kaidan was very glad Wilson was dead.  
  
The Illusive Man worried him, tangling the Normandy up in lies, misdirection, and the occasional desperate truth, wrapping Cara up in his own agenda until she couldn’t fight free from his web.   
  
He’d sent Shepard into traps, isolated her from people she trusted, sacrificed his own people to Indoctrination, and managed to alienate his own operatives with his desire for Reaper technology. He wasn’t going to give up now, no matter what Shepard had told him after destroying the Collector base.  
  
More than his worry about Cerberus’ enigmatic leader, however, he found he was disturbed by the actions of his own people. Shepard had approached the Alliance for help cutting herself free from the terrorist group that had brought her back, and they’d turned her down. The Council had given lip service to her Spectre status, but refused to offer any aid either. She’d come looking for him on the Citadel, and he hadn’t been there for her.  
  
Anderson had lied to him about it. He hadn’t mentioned contacting Shepard, hadn’t breathed a word regarding intel that supported the one bizarre news story Alenko had heard before being shipped off to Horizon, away from the escalating rumors, nothing more than bait for Collectors. Again. How many colonists had died for that maneuver?  
  
 _Hope you’re proud of yourself, Councilor_ _._  The venomous thought wormed its way across his brain, carrying a fair share of the disappointment he’d been leveling at himself and dumping it squarely on his former CO’s shoulders.  _Hanging her out to dry, happy to have me help analyze the mysterious dump of Cerberus data Alliance command had received without ever telling me where it came from._  
  
"Bastard." He hadn’t realized he’d said that last thought out loud, until he felt Shepard’s body jerk against him in surprise. He hugged her close in reassurance, dropping a kiss on the back of her shoulder.   
  
"Our former CO has some explaining to do," he offered. “I would’ve expected something like this from Udina, but Anderson? I’d heard some crazy rumors that obviously had to be some sort of hoax, and then… Horizon. If I’d known," his voice stuttered to a halt. “I’m sorry I left you alone, Cara. I never would’ve if… I never wanted…"  
  
She wriggled in his arms until she’d managed to turn completely around, her eyes gleaming red as she looked into his face, one hand reaching up to gently touch his lips, quieting him down as he stumbled over his words.  
  
He lay still for a moment, enjoying the warmth of her hand against his mouth, the closeness of her body, even just the ability to talk to her, again, about anything. “I love you," he mumbled past her fingers, his anger and nausea mostly slipping away in relief to have her near again.  
  
He couldn’t see her smile, but he heard it in her voice, no longer detached, but warm and soothing. “I love you too."  She sighed a little as they shifted comfortably, her hand sliding down to rest against his chest. “And maybe Anderson will apologize when he sees I finally got those idiots in the Council some hard evidence. Hard enough I can give it to Emily Wong if they try to ignore it again."  
  
"You have what?!?" He winced as he heard his own voice crack, the panic that she was keeping something from him again, even though she hadn’t really done so in the first place, inspiring verbal stupidity. “Why didn’t you tell me?"  
  
"And when was I supposed to do that? When I was crying, when we were both yelling, or when you slammed me up against the wall?"  
  
"Um." Kaidan hoped her fancy new cybernetic eyes weren’t good enough to see him blushing in the dark. “Right. Sorry. It’s just… "  
  
"Don’t you dare apologize. Best thing to happen to me since I woke up on that damn space station." He heard the chuckle in her voice, and was relieved she’d understood his brief panic attack, rather than being offended by it.  
  
"Hmmm." He mumbled contentedly back. “Same here. I think that wall might be my new best friend. Should write him a thank you note. Very supportive guy, that wall."  
  
Cara giggled. Have I ever heard her giggle before? I have got to get her to do that more often.   
  
She managed to sound completely serious when she spoke up, though. “If you’re writing to the wall, you can’t forget the shower and the bed too. Wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out."  
  
"Oh, if we’re including everyone, there’s that side table we knocked over. And the carpet that got flowers ground into it. Plus the coffee mug and the glasses behind the bar when you lost your temper." Kaidan felt his lips twitch in amusement. “We made quite the mess."  
  
"Here I thought the coffee mug was your temper. But either way… yes, we did indeed make quite the mess."  
  
"You sound quite proud of yourself."  
  
"It’s a hotel." Cara nuzzled Kaidan’s neck with her nose. “Someone else has to clean it up, so why not be proud of both of us?"  
  
"Well…" Kaidan’s fingers drifted slowly down Cara’s sides, “for someone else to clean, we either have to leave, or let someone else in, and in either case…" he paused, his fingers tensing in preparation, “we’d have to get dressed, which would be quite a shame." His fingers pounced, tickling her ribs unmercifully.  
  
Cara’s shriek of laughter was as much fun as the giggling, until she flared blue and startled Kaidan into stopping.  
  
"Crap." She collapsed back against her pillows with a sigh. “Stupid new implants. They’re so touchy."  
  
"Ah, you look good in blue." Kaidan used the last lingering traces of her aura to find her cheek and give her a kiss before the room went dark again. “Though, I want to ask… if you don’t mind…"  
  
"About the new implant?"  
  
"And, well, everything. Not that I particularly want to invite Cerberus into the bed with us, but…"  
  
Cara sighed in agreement. “They’re rather here already, aren’t they?" At Kaidan’s silent nod, she clicked her tongue, apparently thinking for a moment in silence before she spoke up . “Already noticed the eye implants, I gather."  
  
"It is hard to miss the red pupils."  
  
"There are all sorts of bio-cybernetic connections between bones and muscles. Plus some fancy L5 level implant. End result is that I’m stronger and faster, with some extra biotic juice, and an even higher metabolism than before." He felt the movement as she shrugged uncomfortably, obviously still uneasy with all the changes in her rebuilt body. “Even Miranda, who designed the new me, is surprised by how much I’ve had to keep eating. And I found I don’t need as much sleep at night, but I function much better with an afternoon nap. I seem to be burning out faster in general."  
  
Kaidan tensed a bit at her final words. All those potential complications. They’d brought her back from the dead, after all. No one really knew what they were doing, or what would happen to her. _Don’t panic. Nothing you can do about it now. And isn’t it worth it, that she’s here, now? Just, keep an eye on her. That won’t be hard._  He smiled to himself at that last thought, and found it much easier to relax again than he would’ve expected.  
  
"So…" Shepard’s voice intruded uneasily into his thoughts. “About this whole, I died, thing."  
  
"Thing? Really?" Where is she going with that question? “What about the whole, you died, thing?"  
  
"Did I really have a ceremonial state service on the Citadel?"  
  
"That’s what you want to talk about? Your memorial?"  
  
"Well, no, but I feel like I ought to know. I am the one who died, after all. It was my funeral."  
  
Kaidan considered it. He generally avoided thinking about that day, or the weeks leading up to it, but he couldn’t even imagine what it would be like hanging around after your own funeral, so he supposed she had a point.  
  
"Well… " He paused, as he remembered one of the few bright spots of the day. “Anderson used your full name when he started his eulogy."  
  
"He what?"  
  
"Yeah, it was like I could hear Williams laughing about it right behind me." He’d imagined more than just her laugh; it had felt like she was right there, watching the services with the rest of the crew. Her voice in his ear was one of the few comforts he’d allowed himself, even if it hadn’t been real.   
  
 _No wonder she always introduced herself as ‘Commander’. I’d just go by rank and surname if my parents had saddled me with ‘Carina Colette Marie’ too. Did you know, LT? Don’t tell me you kept a story that good from the rest of us…_    
  
"They put the whole thing on the memorial they built on Mindoir, too. Right next to the one for the original colony. They buried your empty coffin with your parents."  
  
"I’m buried with my family? That’s." He could clearly imagine the wrinkles as she scrunched up her nose in thought. It was one of his favorite expressions. “Weird."  
  
Kaidan couldn’t help laughing at the consternation in her voice. “You get brought back from the dead by Cerberus, to fight Collectors, who used to be Protheans, and were making a Human-Reaper-baby-thing, and the weirdest part is that the Alliance buried you with your family? That’s the only normal part of the story."  
  
"I knew what to do with the whole ‘fighting the Collectors’ thing." She answered defensively. “Shoot bad guys, try and rescue civilians, protect my crew, find evidence to take to the Council. Having my own grave already picked out and full on Mindoir, is… disconcerting. Where are they going to put me the next time I die?"  
  
 _Next to me._  
  
Cara’s stomach growled loudly, interrupting them before Kaidan could voice his thought aloud.  
  
"And there goes the extra-fun new metabolism again. Shall we confuse room service by ordering five breakfasts, just like we did with dinner?"  
  
"At three in the morning? Sounds good to me. Make one of them pancakes?"  
  
"Mmmm. Wonder if the asari have anything like maple syrup?"


	7. Explication

"What do you mean, Shepard hasn’t even read my messages? I thought she would have responded by now." Joker pretended his displays were fascinating, despite the fact that they were sitting on Illium and there wasn’t really anything on them besides periodic updates from the work-crews. Listening to Miranda argue with the AI behind him was plenty more entertainment than he’d been expecting this morning.  
  
"I believe I was perfectly clear, Miss Lawson. Commander Shepard has not opened your messages. I have no further information available. Simply adjusting the format of your query will not cause the content of the answer to change."  
  
Joker barely resisted the urge to snicker as the former-Cerberus operative glared at EDI’s holographic sphere. Miranda lacked a decent sense of humor, so he mostly attempted to avoid provoking her. Except for the few instances when she just made it too irresistible… a line she was getting perilously close to crossing at the moment.  
  
"Trying to shoot the messenger with your eyes, Miranda?" Jacob, on the other hand, was one of the few people who could say anything to Miranda and get her to respond like an actual human being. _Maybe he’ll get her to explain her malfunction today._  
  
"Shut up, Jacob."  _Or not. The bitch is in fine form this A.M._  
  
"Miranda. It’s shore leave. The Commander said she needed a break. In fact, everyone’s taking a break. Well, except for Joker, since he’s keeping on eye on his baby while the crews work, and you, because you’re a workaholic. Do you even remember what a day off is?"  
  
"I had a day off yesterday. As did she. I need to talk to her about making some new contacts to help us pay for upkeep on this thing."  
  
"And that can’t wait a couple days? You need to give yourself a break too."  
  
The moment of silence was too much for Joker to bear. He twisted his chair just a bit and peeked. And there was nothing to see. Miranda was still glaring at EDI, and Jacob was staring at Miranda. _Boring._  
  
"Did you try asking nicely?" Joker was proud of how innocent he sounded. Not that that ever fooled anyone, anymore, but it was important to maintain one’s personal standards.  
  
"What?" Miranda’s icy glare moved to the pilot.  
  
"Did. You. Try. Asking. Nicely. Did you hurt your ears somehow, Lawson? You keep asking the same questions over and over again."  
  
Jacob quickly muffled a laugh behind Miranda. “He’s got a decent point. Yelling at the AI never helps much."  
  
"Oh, and you have a better plan?"  
  
"Certainly." He shrugged, obviously having decided he needed to help his prickly superior out if he was ever going to get her to relax and leave Shepard alone. “Good morning, EDI."  
  
"Good morning, Mr Taylor."  
  
"Do you have any other contact information for the Commander, as she’s apparently not checking her omni-tool?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well, could you help Miranda out, and share some of that information with her?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What?" Miranda’s shout echoed through the mostly empty ship. “I’ll have you know, you arrogant blue box, that I can have you ripped apart if necessary…"  
  
"No you can’t." Joker interrupted. “Shepard’s got the final say on the  _Normandy_ , not you. Stop being pissy and accept the fact that Shepard doesn’t need to talk to you before I kick you off my ship."  
  
"Your ship?" Miranda paused for a moment, her lips pressed tightly together as she throttled back on her temper. “How is she supposed to know if she needs to talk to me, if she’s not even checking her messages?"  
  
"The Commander gave very clear instructions that she was not to be disturbed for anything less than an emergency." EDI explained. “As none of the 57 messages forwarded through my systems from  _Normandy_  crew and work-teams qualified as emergencies based on the parameters the Commander provided, I will not override her request for privacy."  
  
Miranda almost blinked, as if she was as startled by that number as anyone else, but she got right back on subject with barely a breath of a pause.  "And what if something comes up that doesn’t match her parameters? Even Shepard can’t think of anything."  
  
"The Commander requested I seek clarification from Jeff as necessary. Currently, none of the pending requests have required his assistance."  
  
"Jeff? She put Joker in charge? He’s the pilot, I’m her XO!"  
  
"You were her Executive Officer as assigned by Cerberus. The current crew roster has not been updated following the Commander’s termination of relations with the Illusive Man."  
  
Miranda’s mouth opened, then shut with a snap. A flash of what in a lesser mortal Joker would have judged panic crossed her face. “I’m not her… she’s updating the… well, then, I guess I have no choice but to wait around." Turning around slowly, she stalked back towards her quarters, as she had refused Liara’s offer of housing on Illium for the duration of the repairs.   
  
Jacob stood with his arms crossed, watching her leave in silence.  
  
Joker snorted once Miranda was safely out of ear-shot. “Getting laid’s supposed to make them less bitchy, not more."  
  
"What?" Jacob almost slammed his shoulder into the bulkhead when he turned around to look at the pilot.  
  
"Don’t think I didn’t see you two leaving together after our little party at the bar day before yesterday. How’d you screw things up again so badly in just a day?"  
  
"I didn’t! We didn’t! I just… damnit Joker, she had too much of that weird concoction Mordin came up with, and I’d bought several rounds for the entire crew, so we escaped when we had the chance. We weren’t together, together."  
  
"Oh. Moron. You so could’ve hit that ass. And what an ass it is, too. Bet that’s why she’s extra bitchy. Should go plead for forgiveness. And fuck like bunnies. Make you both feel better."  
  
"Shut up, Moreau." Jacob gave up and stalked out of the airlock back to Nos Astra.  
  
"Dumb-ass." Joker shook his head sadly, muttering to himself as he returned his chair to its standard position. “Almost as entertaining as Alenko and Shepard back on the first Normandy. You’d think none of these warrior types liked sex, the way they keep avoiding it."  
  
EDI’s blue globe flashed back into view as he settled back to monitor his screens. “I do not understand, Jeff. Why did you suggest Miss Lawson request more information, when you were aware of Commander Shepard’s instructions?"  
  
"Because Miranda needs to know she’s not alpha-bitch, EDI."  
  
"Miss Lawson is aware that Commander Shepard is her superior officer."  
  
"And she’s sure she ought to be Shepard’s right-hand-woman, and that the rest of us lowly mortals should get back in line. Way back in line and out of her way. That’s not an attitude that she can keep if she wants to stay on the  _Normandy_  and fight the good fight. Thus, the smackdown."  
  
"We reminded her that Commander Shepard is the alpha-bitch?"  
  
"No EDI, Shepard’s the boss. The Hero. The man with the plan. I’m the alpha-bitch."  
  
"But you are male, Jeff. Bitch is a feminine noun. And the Commander would be the *woman* with the plan."  
  
"I am perfectly well aware of both mine and Shepard’s gender, mom. Trust me. Figure of speech. It’s a human thing."  
  
"I have observed that being called a bitch would be an insult to most humans. Perhaps it is simply a Jeff-thing?"  
  
Joker’s laugh drifted through the quiet ship. “Good one, EDI, you’re learning. Just promise to use your new-found knowledge for good, not evil, and you’ll help us save the Galaxy yet."


	8. Procrastination

"So, what’s the plan, Shepard?"

Cara looked up from the remnants of her second breakfast to the extra delicious sight of Kaidan smiling at her. Her eyes widened a bit, and she slowly smiled back. “Well, I was debating the benefits of accidentally spilling the last of this fruit syrup stuff all over you."

"Really? And what would those be?" He inched a bit closer, until she could feel the warmth of his thigh next to hers, their legs stretching out under the coffee table where they’d set up their brunch.

"Well, you’d have to take that shirt off, and I’d get to lick all the sticky bits off… "

There was a flash of blue in the corner of her eye, and she saw the syrup pitcher float up, until the light flickered, and the last of the sticky contents poured over both of them.

"Oops." Kaidan chuckled at her, then leaned in slowly and licked a drop off her cheek. “Guess we both need to clean up."

* * *

_His mouth moves oh, so slowly, finding each drop of syrup, licking and suckling his way across her face and neck. He hasn’t even finished unbuttoning her shirt, his hands teasing her breasts, friction from the cloth rasping between his fingers and her skin. She whimpers, pulls at his shoulders, trying to lift his face up to hers, to speed him up, desperate for more contact._  
  
“Now, now, none of that." Kaidan lifts her hands up above her head, pinning them to the ground, his entire body stretched out above hers. He leans in for a kiss but stops, barely a breath between their mouths, whispers, “you’re mine to savor, this time."  
  
Finally his lips touch hers, soft, gentle, the kiss slowly deepening as his tongue traces her mouth. She sighs, intoxicated by his taste, his smell, her eyes closing, a purr of pleasure deep in her throat.  
  
An eternity later, his mouth leaves hers, following her jaw line back to her neck, resuming the exquisite torture of his deliberate path down her body. At some point she feels his hands release her, fingertips trailing down her arms back to her shirt, but this time she relaxes into his caress, no longer fighting his chosen pace. “Mmmm," she manages in a husky whisper, “best dessert ever."

* * *

"So, what’s the plan Shepard?"

Cara laughed, glancing up at Kaidan’s face. “Like where that question got you last time, did you?"

"Well, yes." He smiled back, before gently brushing her hair back from her face. “However, it’s also a serious question we’ll have to answer eventually."

"Tomorrow." Cara sighed, and settled more comfortably into Kaidan’s arms on the couch. “For now, I want to watch another movie. You’ve got the remote. Pick something silly."

"Yes, ma’am."

* * *

_Their conversation is completely random, jumping from thought to thought, tangential and unpredictable, silly to serious. Family quirks, Marine squad practical jokes, details on managing Shepard’s new rag-tag crew of crazies, even periodic complaints about the Council._  
  
They keep comments on the latter two shallow, entertaining, avoiding any discussion that might bring them back to the tactical worries shadowing their future. Eventually, though, they accidentally stumble upon a serious topic.  
  
They hunt up favorite old movies on the extranet, charge them to room service. “Liara is not going to believe the bill for this, when she gets it." Shepard grins evilly, shallow enough to enjoy the fact that some one else gets to worry about something for once.  
  
“Sure she’s going to pay for it?"  
  
“Yeah, she still feels guilty for the whole Shadow Broker thing. And she’s apparently owed favors by half of Illium, so…"  
  
“What Shadow Broker thing?"  
  
“Crap."  
  
“What crap? What don’t I know? Again?" He’s getting really tired of tripping over other people’s secrets.  
  
“I’m sorry, I thought you did, I thought she would’ve, or that I had already…" Shepard’s stuttering voice is obviously upset, and Alenko forces himself to relax, to listen, a fight he’s distressed to realize is still difficult, still necessary. He knows she’s trustworthy, and that she trusts him, but he can’t seem to completely let go of almost three years of bitter regrets.  
  
“It’s alright, Cara." His brain is back in control, his voice soft. “Just, whatever it is, tell me, please?"  
  
His plaintive tone tugs at her heart, and she cups his cheek in her hand, his stubble scraping across her palm. “Of course, and, I’m sorry. I really thought… you’d said you were here to see her, and I keep forgetting how scattered my old crew is. I still remember how well we worked together, how close you all seemed, before… " She trails off, her hand falling back into her lap, not knowing how to mention her death without hurting him more, again.  
  
“Before.." He sighs, reaching out and wrapping his fingers around hers, equally unwilling to hurt her with memories of dying, cold and alone in space. “I know. And I keep forgetting the opposite, that to you we were all backing you up just a few months ago. We broke without you, though. I’m sorry. I could barely keep myself in one piece, much less keep the team together."  
  
“Not your fault, Kaidan." She sighs, trying to get her scattered thoughts in order. “Apparently the Shadow Broker got my body off Alchera… " Details are sparse, but she tells him what little she knows, about the Shadow Broker’s deal with the Collectors and the Faustian bargain Liara made with Cerberus to keep her safe. Safer, at least.  
  
Kaidan gathers her in his arms, as she talks, grasping her tightly as if to prove she’s still there, that she made it back to him. He’s silent for a moment when she finishes, and she leans her head against his shoulder, content to wait while he thinks.  
  
“Devil’s own luck, you’ve got Shepard." His voice is a little shaky, but calmer than she’d expected. “Liara too. Can’t really be mad at her, can I, now that you’re here? Wonder why she didn’t ask for help, though. Any of us would’ve done anything to help you, to help her to save you… "  
  
Shepard lifts her head to stare at him blankly, stunned. “You handled that better than I did," she admits. “Especially with the whole Cerberus thing, I expected, I don’t know…"  
  
“Thought I’d stalk out to throw _her out a window?" His voice is amused. “Tempting, I’ll admit, especially since she let me be blindsided by your unfortunate new Cerberus connection." He pauses, his grip around her finally easing enough to permit them to lean back into the couch. “But that would require leaving the suite. We’re not doing that for at least another day, remember?"_  
  
She laughs in an unexpected combination of relief and delight. “Shall I start the popcorn for the next vid, then?"

* * *

"So, what’s the plan, Alenko?"

"It’s not tomorrow yet. You’re early, Shepard."

"By maybe a minute."

"It’s your deadline. No planning allowed."

"And how are you going…" The rest of her sentence was swallowed by his mouth as he grabbed her and kissed her, devouring her as desperately as if they hadn’t just spent the last two days together, as if he’d only just discovered her. Her moan of reaction throbbed through both their mouths as she kissed him back, nails scratching at his back as they grappled ever closer together.

Suddenly, he pulled away, his ragged breathing a rough counterpoint to her speeding heartbeat. “Now it’s tomorrow," he gasped.

"Screw tomorrow."

* * *

_She pounces, shoving him, hard, riding his chest as he falls to the floor, landing on his back with a grunt. “My turn." She grins at him as her biotics flare to life, compensating for her inability to pin him to the floor physically. He grins back, chuckling slightly as he gets his breath back, obviously delighted by her determination._  
  
She attacks, hands and mouth tracing lines of muscles as they both strip, finding sensitive spots to tease, tormenting him until she can’t take it anymore, both of them hot and flushed, skin slick with sweat. She settles her weight on his hips, rising above him. Her aura still flashes, but her biotics fade, freeing his arms to reach and grab her own. Fingers entwined, she pushes against his hands for leverage, riding his thrusts as her pleasure peaks, her clenching muscles sending them both over the edge before she collapses, falling to his chest where they wrap their arms around each other, pleasantly exhausted.

* * *

"Third time’s the charm, I guess. What’s the plan, Shepard?"

"Why does it have to be my plan?" She snuggled down into his shoulder, attempting to avoid his insistence on coherent thought and conversation.

"Because my plan involves a quick chat with Liara, mostly for form’s sake, and talking you into giving me a ride to the Citadel. There, I’m done. Your turn."

"Spoilsport." She lifted her head and wrinkled her nose at him. “Well, gotta finish getting my ship and crew in order. Then, yeah, Citadel it is. EDI and the ground teams got all sorts of information from the Collector base, which I plan to throw in the Council’s faces. Hard to refute hard data. Then again, I would’ve thought it was hard to refute a giant alien spaceship in pieces in the backyard, but they managed."

"Politicians are the same regardless of species. If they can’t figure out what to do about something, they just pretend there’s nothing there to worry about in the first place."

"Yeah, that attitude makes things so much better."

"Never said I thought politicians were smart."

Her answering sigh was slightly sad. “I thought Anderson was, though."

"Same here." His expression was bleak. “I keep trying to remind myself of all the balls he has to juggle, and all the times I saw him fighting to keep the Reapers on the Council’s agenda, but…"

"He didn’t trust either of us when we needed him, did he?"

"Rationally, I’m not sure he should’ve, but I always thought he would anyways. You especially. You were always his favorite protégé."

She sighed again, dismissing the awkward relationship with her former mentor until she had a chance to confront him about it. “Rationally, the entire Council should be thanking their collective Gods and Goddesses that I keep saving their asses. Doesn’t seem likely, however."

"Hmm. That reminds me. Thank you for saving my ass from the Collectors, Shepard."

"It’s a damn fine ass. Couldn’t bear for anything to happen to it."

"Same back at you."


	9. Information

Shepard tugged her shirt straight, glaring at the mirror in general discontent. She didn’t want to be getting dressed at all, much less in the damn Cerberus uniform she’d yet to have a chance to replace. However, she had ignored her ship and crew for all of two days, and the price of that miracle was an in-box she was afraid to look at, so she probably ought to check in. Besides, a quick tour and a couple of conversations would certainly take less time than reading through that many messages.

She’d mostly gotten good at ignoring her reflection, only focusing on whatever aspect of her clothing or hair she’d felt the need to check, but she’d somehow let her eyes wander this morning. She saw her scowl deepen at the short hair, the perfectly straight nose, the faint grid-texture of her skin that was still just barely visible in the wrong light.

"Hey now, none of that." Alenko approached from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging. She smiled at him, their eyes meeting in the mirror.

"None of what?"

Rather than answering, he turned Shepard around in his arms. He lifted one arm, and gently touched her face with his thumb, right above her eyebrow, and slid it down, across the ridge where her nose had once been broken, and down her opposite cheek. She closed her eyes and sighed. He’d done that once before, the night they’d spent together before Ilos, asking where she’d gotten the scar.

"It’s still part of you, Shepard. I remember it, and so do you. Your parents know you haven’t forgotten them."

Shepard felt her eyes blur with tears, and blinked hard to keep the moisture in check.  _Damnitall, I never cry. What is wrong with me? How does he keep having this effect on me?_

"You develop psychic powers sometime in the last two years?" Shepard dared Alenko to ignore her teary demeanor, which he did by also ignoring the sarcasm.

"You never used to glare at the mirror. Take a glance, make sure your hair was smooth, your makeup hadn’t smudged, your uniform was straight. That was it."

"When… how did you figure that out?" He was definitely not the type to spy on the women’s locker room. Or the Captain’s cabin, after she took command.

"Um. Well… every morning, you’d drink your coffee in the mess, talk to any crew about, then pause and look at your reflection in the med bay windows before you went up to the CIC." His sentence got slower and slower as he progressed until his voice trailed off in obvious discomfort at the growing amusement on Shepard’s face.

"You noticed that? Every morning?"

"Uh. Yes?"

"Good thing you’re cute. Stalker." She kissed him gently.

"Speaks the woman who just happened to be by the mess at the end of my duty shift. Every single day. With snacks."

"Hey, us biotics have to stick together. Everyone else always makes a big deal out of all that food."

"Right. Explain why you didn’t just eat in your cabin whenever I had a project that meant I finished up late, then?"

"Hmmm." She paused, biting her lip in thought. “Can’t think of a single damn excuse."

"Didn’t think so." He grinned, slightly smug in his victory. “However much I’m enjoying this, though," his arms tightened slightly around her as he spoke, “we did finally make a plan. We should probably attempt to follow through. Go check on your ship."

Shepard sighed in defeat. “I’m tired of being the grown-up. Promise me, someday, we get to tell them all to take a flying fuck and leave us alone?"

"Promise." He kissed her gently on the forehead. “Now go."

* * *

"Staff Commander Alenko. It is good to see you again. And under much better circumstances than last time." Than the funeral went unspoken, but they both remembered Shepard’s memorial service quite clearly.

"Dr. T’soni." Alenko nodded slowly. It was very strange, hearing the same soft voice coming from Liara. Instead of the awkward shyness of the academic, however, she was very calm and controlled. The past few years had changed everyone, it seemed.

"To be honest, I’m a little surprised to see you. By yourself, at least. Did everything… go well?"

Alenko raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Are you really asking about mine and Shepard’s sex life, Liara?"

"Oh, Goddess no!" It was rather comforting to see her flustered again, more like old times; but she collected herself much more quickly than she used to, her face smoothing and her voice easing just a breath later. “Though, the simple fact that there is one to ask about rather answers my question, doesn’t it? I’m happy for both of you. But I gather you came here for reasons other than reminiscing?"

"Well, the Alliance thinks I’m on Illium to ask you about Cerberus, and Shepard. Anything you’d care to share with the Alliance?"

"Well, no, not really. They don’t have a very good track record when dealing with information about Shepard, to be perfectly honest."

"Good. Now that official business is out of the way," Alenko leaned forward, focusing on Liara’s face. “Is there anything you’d like to share with me, personally, then?"

"No?" Liara found herself leaning back a bit at the intensity of his glare, dark eyes hooded by even darker brows. He’d always seemed the calmest of Shepard’s original crew. Unfailingly polite and helpful to those around him. She’d learned a lot about reading humans since then, however, and that calm seemed a very thin façade at the moment.

"No explanations? Not one?"

"She told you."

"Yes, she did. And I’m wondering why you didn’t. Tell me, that is. Or Garrus or Tali. Or even Joker or Dr. Chakwas, before Cerberus recruited them." His voice got softer, but his stare never wavered. “Instead you let us all grieve, and you let us, you let me, be completely blindsided by The Illusive Man. Why? I thought you trusted us? I thought we were friends."

"I should have raised your hopes with a maybe? Or perhaps contributed to your nightmares with all the what-if’s involved? Or, worst of all, let the Shadow Broker sell her to the Collectors in the first place?"

"Perhaps not. But once the rumors started, and our hopes and nightmares were already fair game, and the Collectors were taking action, did it not occur to you that any of us, any of Shepard’s crew from the  _Normandy_ , deserved to know the truth? Why, Liara?" His voice dropped, low and quiet but definitely not soft. “Why?"

"I don’t know. I just… it didn’t…"

Alenko leaned back with a sigh. “You never struck me as a coward, T’soni. Spit it out."

"It was mine." She felt the edge in her voice as she lifted her head, meeting his dark eyes with her own. “The knowledge. It was all I had, and it was mine. You don’t know what those Beacon visions are like, the future I can see coming without her. And then, the things I had to go through to get her away from the Shadow Broker… I survived that. Me. I just couldn’t… share. And never, at any point, did I know that anything would happen, that anything would work, that it would really be her. It was just a bunch of crazy hopes. I… I’m sorry." Liara was surprised to see the slightest of smiles cross the Staff Commander’s face as she trailed to a stop.

"Thank you, Liara. I supposed I just needed to know. And, I have no right to argue with you, as I’m…" he paused, flushing awkwardly. “I’m very glad to have her back."

"I… we all are.


	10. Approbation

_Hell, I know those footsteps._  The unusual twist of nerves in his gut wasn’t worth considering. Joker made himself turn his pilot’s chair around to see the familiar if unexpected sight of Kaidan Alenko turning from the airlock into the cockpit.

"Bitch."  _Can’t believe you tried to blow her off on Horizon, Alenko._

"Jerk." Alenko’s voice was obnoxiously calm.

_Smart-ass. Hard to read. Looks different in civvies, leaning against my ship like he hasn’t a care in the world. No armor, no fatigues. Not the typical military-poster-boy presentation he used to pull off._

"How’d you get a hall-pass?"  _I miss my exterior monitor feed. Shoulda known you were coming. Stupid repairs take for frickin’ ever._

"Teacher called ahead." Kaidan’s mouth twitched slightly, the almost smile fading quickly as he stared at Joker with a serious expression.

"Play nice this time? Cause, last time, after she came back from the dead and saved your ass? You walked away. Never thought you were stupid, man."  _Damn Alliance puppet, sometimes, but not stupid._

"Maybe." Alenko’s voice was soft, and Joker had to resist the urge to lean forward and wreck his nonchalant attitude. “Maybe if any of my so-called  _friends,_ " the bitter ice lacing that word almost made Joker wince, “had bothered to tell me she might not be dead, it wouldn’t have felt quite so much like a knife to the gut. With a helpful twist from seeing her backed by Cerberus. Sorry that didn’t bring out the best in me."

"Not me you need to apologize to." Joker mumbled uncomfortably.  _What, no yelling? Here I was sure he’d still be mad at me for the whole killing his girlfriend thing. And quitting the Alliance. Or not telling him about Cerberus. Damn, why’s he talking to me? I’m still mad at me for all that. Wait, that’s something I don’t waste time thinking about. Where were we?_

"Sure? Cause you seem upset, and I already apologized to the lady in question." Alenko paused, as if waiting for the smart comment that never came. “Speaking of questions,  _friend_ , any ideas why everyone left me in the dark? You, Chakwas, Tali, Garrus … no one thought I’d want to know?"

"And how were we supposed to tell you?"  _Sympathy is for wusses. Even if the man’s got a point. I’m gonna make myself all queasy again. Haven’t managed a decent lunch in almost three years. Guilt’s for wusses too. Guess I’m a wuss. Damn._  “Errand-boy to a Councilor gets you top secret status, dumb-ass."  
  
Alenko’s soft chuckle was completely unexpected. “Joker. You used to insert prank e-mails into Captain Anderson’s personal logs. Not that he could prove it, but your juvenile fondness for freaky extranet porn? Hard to mistake. You knew I was posted on the Citadel. You could’ve gotten me a message if you’d bothered to try." His shrug acknowledged the fact that they hadn’t really been on speaking terms since…

 _Well, since everything went to freakin’ hell._  
  
The Alliance officer pushed himself off the bulkhead and walked towards the pilot’s chair, his focus serious, his voice still soft and even. “You could’ve helped Shepard get a message to me after Cerberus and Anderson turned her down. Why didn’t you?"  
  
"EDI?"  
  
Unfazed by the apparent non sequitur, Alenko waited patiently, his eyes only widening slightly as the holographic sphere popped into view near his elbow.  
  
 _Good old LT. Former LT. Staff Commander is such a mouthful, even in the privacy of my own head. And SC just does not have the same ring to it._  
  
"Yes, Jeff?"  
  
"No recording. Turn off all those camera and microphone thingies you got going, kay? Give us some privacy?"  
  
"I am unable to limit my observation, Jeff. As you know, my systems are completely integrated with the Normandy, and the new crew privacy protocols have so far only been implemented for The Loft. I estimate another 1.65 days before the privacy protocols are available ship-wide."  
  
"I know that, just, pretend?"  
  
"I am not capable of…  
  
"EDI!" Joker interrupted, ignoring Alenko’s stare as he followed their odd conversation. “Don’t interrupt, and don’t mention what happens in the cockpit to anyone."  
  
"Yes, Jeff." The hologram flickered off again, as Alenko raised a questioning eyebrow at the pilot.  
  
"What?"  _I am not defensive. Nope. Not me._  
  
"Joker." Alenko did not seem amused.  
  
"Shepard never asked me how to get in touch with you, you know."  
  
"You let that stop you?"  
  
"Well, the mommy AI used to have to talk to the evil Timmy-boy whether she wanted to or not, and Shepard and I and all the other former-Alliance personnel were under strict surveillance by the Cerberus loyalists, and I really didn’t want Cerberus knowing how to track you down, or give them proof of how important you are to the Commander, and as I said she never actually asked me about you, and for once I really didn’t actually want to step on any toes…" Joker fidgeted with his hat, mostly avoiding looking at Alenko, till a glance past the brim caught an odd look on his former crewmate’s face. “What?"  
  
"I think that’s the longest attempt at a serious sentence I’ve ever heard you utter, Joker. You were trying to protect us? How nice of you. Ever do that again and I’ll  _throw_  you off your newNormandy, got it?"  
  
Joker fingers stilled and dropped into his lap. He’d never been nice, not even when he was young and ambitious and slightly less cynical. “You sounded just like the Commander there. That was scary. Been spending too much time together, have you?" Joker flashed the lewdest, crudest smile he could manage.  
  
"Never. But I’m certainly going to try." Alenko’s instant delight shocked the pilot momentarily speechless. Joker had never seen the man behaving so… un-militarily.  _Is that even a word?_  Even off-duty, Alenko always sat too straight, eyes checking out the exits, scanning the crowds. Not that he’d liked crowds, either.  _Weird how my - former best friend? Not thinking about that either._  
  
It was weird how Alenko always seemed like such a stick-in-the-mud. But despite frequently setting himself up as the butt of a good joke, he’d never once been offended by Joker’s oh-so-witty repartee, and had periodically snuck in some astonishingly good one-liners of his own. Always with a straight face, too. Which was, for possibly the first time in their long acquaintance, nowhere in sight. The Marine was positively grinning.  
  
"What the hell did she do to you, Alenko? And can you find someone who’d do it to me? Cuz I want to feel the need to have a smile that stu…"  
  
Before he could finish, Kaidan’s expression suddenly changed, and he’d already spun around and taken two steps before Joker realized the airlock had opened again.  
  
And there was the familiar silhouette of Commander Shepard, turning towards the cockpit; but not, judging by her expression, to indulge in her customary conversation with her helmsman.  
  
The two barely stopped before smacking into each other, though Joker noticed they were standingvery close together.  _Must keep mouth shut. Must be nice to two of my favoritest people in the world, so neither is ever tempted to break all my bones for getting one of them killed. And then lying to the other. I am such a jack-ass._  
  
"Hello there, Alenko. Thought I saw you head by while I was talking to the foreman." Shepard’s eyes glanced quickly back at Joker, who was practically biting his tongue in his attempt to behave, a task made extra-incredibly difficult by the way his usually cool, collected CO had practically purred at Alenko. “Did you boys play nice?"  
  
"Yes, ma’am." Alenko’s voiced had just dropped half a damn octave, making one of the most innocuous phrases in military life sound vaguely dirty, and the two of them were definitely going to give him an aneurysm if they kept up the cute.  
  
Shepard turned a blinding smile back at Alenko, completely ignoring Joker and the superhuman effort he was expending to keep his mouth shut. “How’d your talk with Liara go?"  
  
"Fine. Tell you later. Garrus?"  
  
"Just as expected."  
  
"Glad to hear it. The foreman?"  
  
"They should be done by the end of the week. So, three more days of hiding Legion and EDI’s full capabilities."  
  
Alenko leaned in and whispered something in Shepard’s ear, and she laughed.  _Practically_ _giggled_ _._ Joker couldn’t decide if someone making Shepard giggle was awesome, or horrifying.  _Maybe both?_  
  
 _You’d think they hadn’t seen each other in months, rather than just this morning. Standing there ogling each other right in front of me. That has got to be the sappiest pair of smiles I’ve ever… what the shit, is he going in for a kiss? Alenko? Staff Commander, by-the-book, more-discreet-than-my-Grandmother, Alenko? But that… that is way more tongue than I expected either of them to include when kissing in public. And holy crap, now they’re both turning blue. That’s kinda freaky. I approve. Wonder what it feels like?_  
  
"Welcome back, Commander Shepard." The familiar cool female voice interrupted the show, causing Alenko and Shepard to jump apart uncomfortably, their blue auras quickly fading.

  
Joker rolled his eyes and turned his chair around, so everyone could pretend he hadn’t just watched his CO making out with her former Lieutenant.  
  
"Based on Commander Shepard’s previous commands, Jeff, I felt it necessary to remind her that the privacy protocols she requested are not yet available. Was that correct?"  _Everyone except the AI, that is._  
  
"Yes, EDI. And Commander Shepard and Staff Commander Alenko would probably prefer you pretend to forget what just happened too. Cause they’re usually shy like that. Must have forgotten their shy-clothes when they got dressed this morning."  _And that was a mental image I really didn’t need to give myself, the two of them getting dressed. Stupid imagination._  
  
"The Commanders both appear fully clothed."  
  
Joker snorted. “The Commanders are right there, you should include them in the conversation." He turned back around, sighing at how easily EDI had punctured his attempt at a polite charade. Polite just wasn’t his thing. _Don’t think I’m going to bother trying that again. Not even for Shepard._  
  
"Have fun, kids?" He enjoyed the blush rising on Alenko’s cheeks. Shepard’s darker skin hid the flush better, but she coughed very awkwardly in response to his jaunty tone.  _And yes, I just thought jaunty to myself, in my own head. Maybe I do need to get out more._  
  
"Yes, we did." Alenko’s quick response inspired a grin of appreciation from Joker. Apparently now that he’d stopped hiding behind his regulations, Alenko wasn’t going to let a little embarrassment slow him down any.  
  
"Aww, the cute couple’s even holding hands! EDI, take a picture and send it to ev…"  
  
"My private terminal only, EDI." Shepard interrupted, glaring at her pilot. He noticed that she didn’t, however, relax her grasp on Alenko.  
  
"Certainly, Commander."  
  
"May I ask," Alenko interjected, his eyes scanning the area for EDI’s microphones and cameras, rather than focusing on the hologram where it hovered over her speaker as most of the crew did, “what happened to pretending to ignore the cockpit?"  
  
"Commander Shepard never reached the cockpit as detailed on the design plans for the Normandy. She was intercepted by your greeting while still in the area designated airlock/hallway."  
  
"So it’s your fault my show got cut short? Thanks a lot, Alenko." Joker’s grin was completely undaunted by the glares shooting in his direction.  
  
"Yes, Alenko, thank you." Shepard had to lean over just a bit to kiss Alenko on the cheek.  
  
"Aww, man, you’re back to being cute again. Knock that off. Before Miranda shows up for her regular ‘bother Joker and EDI’ morning visit. She’s not nearly as entertaining as I am."  
  
Shepard sighed in agreement. “Well, I do need…"  
  
"Commander Shepard!" The strident tones of a loud female voice yelling across the CIC cut her off.  
  
"Speak of the devil." Joker rolled his eyes as Miranda approached.  
  
"Where have you been, Commander? We have a lot of…" Approaching the cockpit, Miranda’s voice trailed off as she belatedly noticed her Commanding Officer was holding hands with a non-crewmember.  
  
"Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko?" Her voice had, if possible, gotten chillier than it did when dealing with Joker. “This," her voice dripped disdain, as if the Alliance officer was a bug that needed swatting, “this is why you haven’t returned my messages? What are you, nineteen?"  
  
"Actually, I’m either 30 or 32, depending on how you do the math. You should know that, Miranda, you’ve read all the files. Written a fair share of them too." Shepard and Alenko exchanged a Look, their professional masks dropped in place, and the Staff Commander fell back a few paces to cover the Spectre’s six. “And now is a fine time to have a little chat. Lead the way, Miss Lawson."  
  
Miranda looked a bit nonplussed at being at the receiving end of Shepard’s combat formation, but she quickly recovered her attitude and turned back to the elevator.  
  
 _Bitch has nerves of steel, I’ll give her that, turning her back on those two._  Joker mused idly, turning back to his mostly quiet monitors and shaking off the lingering deja-vu of watching Shepard and Alenko together, again, talking at each other with their eyes.   
  
That had always been what gave them away back on the first  _Normandy_. Ashley’d once complained after an away mission that, despite the fact that neither ever did anything that could cross the line into breaking regulations, watching them look at each other, (eye to eye, always, as they were both too professional to get caught checking each other out), had been enough to make her need a cold shower.  
  
 _Ah, Ash… bet we wouldn’t have gotten quite so fucked up if you’d still been around to kick our asses. You’d be proud of us now, though, I think. Picking up the pieces, fighting the good fight. Teasing the uptight bitch._  He grinned, imagining Ashley helping him put Miranda in her place. _Now that’s a good way to waste the morning._


	11. Frustration

Shepard resisted the urge to smile as she rode the elevator down to the crew deck. Lawson would not be amused, but it felt so right having Alenko at her back again. The whole Universe was miraculously steadier than it had been just a few short days ago. She suddenly had the impression that maybe they’d actually survive the next few years. That’d be nice.  
  
They walked in silence, following the flashy brunette to her quarters. The woman spun around the instant her door was closed however, practically snarling at the two behind her.

"Kicking me out for lover-boy, are you? After everything I’ve done, you still don’t trust me? Never thought the great Commander Shepard would stop thinking with her head and start thinking with her…" Lawson paused, gesturing vaguely at Shepard before turning her nasty glare on Alenko, "… thinking with his cock instead."  
  
Shepard  _charged_ , flickering across the room and pinning Lawson against the far wall, her arm braced against Miranda’s neck, her mouth inches from the other woman’s ear. She felt Alenko’sbarrier flash to life behind her, a precaution only, as he stayed by the door he’d locked behind them.  
  
"You, Miss Lawson, are the only one in danger of not thinking with her head. If you can calm down, how about we start this conversation over, and you attempt to refrain from insulting our ability to be professionals? Unless you really do want me to kick you off my ship?"  
  
Miranda’s nostrils flared briefly as she listened to the fierce voice in her ear, before taking as deep a breath as she could manage past the arm over her throat and shaking her head slightly.

Shepard stepped back slowly, eyes never wavering from the former Cerberus operative. “Got your shit together, Lawson?"  
  
Miranda’s lips were tight, her nod brief, but it was enough for Shepard. She turned on her heel and stalked back across the room, pausing before the doorway.  
  
"I’m going to give you a chance to redeem yourself. Fifteen minutes, my cabin, and we’ll try this again. With a little less bitch on the agenda, yes?" Turning around, she strode out of the doorway, feeling Alenko’s barrier fade as he fell into step behind her, following her all the way back to the elevator.  
  
Shepard turned to look at Alenko as the doors closed behind them, all set to raise an eyebrow and share a sigh over her emotional, crazy-ass crew.  
  
"What the hell was that?"  Alenko’s face was pale, his eyes wide, blue flickering around the hands grasping her shoulders.   
  
 _What the – what was – huh?_  Shepard felt about as smart as the evening after the drill instructors had demonstrated non-lethal weaponry back in Basic. On the recruits.  
  
"Shepard." His voice was starting to rise when the crack of a bright shock of static shot out at him from the elevator control panel and cut him off.  "Fuck!" His voice was barely a hiss as he turned away, and she thought for a moment she must have imagined it.

 _Kaidan and gratuitous swearing off the battle-field?_  But there he was, bracing himself into the corner of the elevator, as far from her as possible, the occasional flicker of blue highlighting his tense shoulders.

"EDI?" She had to cough before her voice came back sounding anything like herself. “EDI, send the elevator up to the Loft. Privacy Protocols are functioning, right?"  
  
"They are currently only available within your quarters, Commander. The programming should be integrated into the rest of the ship within… "  
  
"Thank you EDI," Shepard interrupted hastily. “Institute privacy protocols. Let me know when Lawson accesses the elevator for our appointment."  
  
"Yes, Commander." EDI’s sphere disappeared in silence as the elevator doors opened onto the uppermost level of the ship.  Shepard was hugely and inappropriately grateful that she’d finally convince the AI to stop ‘logging her out’ at every opportunity.  
  
Shepard stepped forward slowly, then rocked back into the elevator, glancing from Alenko to her cabin door and back again.  
  
"Um…"  
  
Alenko finally turned around, stepping out of the elevator and onto the landing without meeting her eyes. His head jerked slightly towards the entrance to the Commander’s Quarters, signaling for Shepard to lead the way.  
  
As the door slid shut behind them, the lock engaging, Cara could see Kaidan sigh as his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed. She moved right next to him, her hand gingerly reaching out to smooth the frown tightening his eyebrows. The slightest of flinches across his face caused her to drop her hand hastily, stepping back and swallowing hard.  _What just happened?_  
  
Before she’d even finished the thought, Kaidan’s eyes had opened, his whole body surging forward to capture her in a tight embrace, head tucked down next to hers, his voice a harsh whisper in her ear. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Cara."  
  
She felt her own shoulders relax as she hugged him back, realizing with a rush of relief that the flinch had been directed at himself, at losing his self-control when whatever it was that had just happened upset him. She eased one arm free, sliding it above his shoulders, her fingers softly stroking the hairline at the nape of his neck.  
  
"Not that I don’t dearly want to accept your apology, Kaidan, but that would require having some idea what just happened." She leaned back, tilting her head to the side as she attempted to decipher his expression. “I am very confused."  
  
Kaidan’s huff of laughter sounded more despairing than amused, but it was an improvement over the tension of a moment ago, so she nudged him in the general direction of the couches, sitting next to him and waiting for his explanation.  
  
"All I want…" Kaidan’s voice was hesitant, his eyes downcast, his fingers tracing hers when he finally spoke up several moments later. “All I want is to be here for you," his eyes glanced up to her face, and her breath caught at the shadows in them, the mix of regret and tenderness as he looked at her, “to back you up. And instead I keep yelling at you. I’m supposed to be helping you, not turning into another… malcontent you have to baby-sit." His voice trailed off as his glance fell back to their clasped hands. “What was that, that flicker thing you did? The move you pulled in Lawson’s quarters?"  
  
"The charge? That’s what – but that’s… "  _Something I couldn’t do before. A move it’s hard to follow tactically if you don’t know it’s coming. Which is rather the point, and a pleasantly nasty surprise to one’s enemies. Not so nice a trick to play on one’s friends though._

 _I’m an idiot._  
  
Cara gave Kaidan’s hands a tight squeeze in apology. “I never told you about my new L5-inspired maneuver, did I? It’s probably hard to back me up when you have no idea what I’m doing. Shitty move, that. I’m sorry. Really. It’s just… You’ve always been the perfect support in a fire-fight, I figured you knew everything already. Since you got psychic powers with those L2-implants, right?" Her mouth twisted in a wry grin as Kaidan finally cracked a smile himself.  
  
"So that’s why I put up with the headaches. Must have slipped my mind." His smile faded again, though the resulting expression was more wistful than upset. “I’m sorry I don’t handle surprises well. They tend to be things like friendly corporate Brain Camps and half-empty escape pods. Though, the one where you showed up alive certainly made up for the rest." He leaned forward and softly pressed a kiss to her lips, then briefly rested his forehead against hers before leaning back against the couch, glaring his vague discontent out at the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m settled, something comes along and surprises me. I just hate not knowing… anything. Everything."  
  
"Hey, I like the fact you always have two plans and an extra escape route for every situation. Just means I should remember you need information to make those plans, right?" She poked him gently with her elbow.  
  
Kaidan returned his gaze to Cara’s and nudged her back, slightly harder. “And I like the fact that you charge right in to get things done. Guess you’re just a bit more literal about it now. And I am sorry I overreacted. Again."  
  
"Nothing to apologize for, Kaidan. Really, truly, completely my fault."  
  
"How are you so calm? I remember a fiery temper, I swear."  
  
"Ah, that’s still there. It’s just so nice having you around. I’m feeling mellow. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll wear off." She grinned at him for just a moment, before continuing seriously. “You don’t have to do anything, Kaidan. Just you, standing behind me, and I’m me again. I’m not some vid-hero, or a Cerberus puppet, or an Alliance cast-off, or a fucking zombie. You’re why I’m still human."   
  
 _Damn, I sound sappy. Stupid man, turns me all girly._  
  
"You stole my line." He seemed ridiculously delighted about it.  
  
 _And that smile of his is totally worth any amount of girly-ness._  "It worked pretty well for you, didn’t it? Couldn’t resist."  
  
"Huh. I thought you were the persuasive one. Couldn’t think of anything on your own?"  
  
"Why should I, when I’ve got you to think for me? You’re the smart one."  
  
"Right, I’m the smart one. You’re not a tactical genius or anything."  
  
Shepard scrunched her face in preparation for a sharp retort when he interrupted her by suddenly kissing the tip of her nose.  
  
"That’s simply adorable. Your nose gets all crinkly right between your eyes. Do it again?"  
  
"No." Cara laughed. “No one besides you ever calls me adorable. Assertive, intimidating, even scary, but never adorable. I think you’re a lunatic."  
  
Kaidan smoothed a wisp of hair back behind her ear, his fingers trailing softly through the short strands and down her neck. “I could say it takes one to know one."  
  
Cara gave a short burst of laughter, barely resisting the urge to stick her tongue out at him.  _What am I, sixteen again?_  
  
"But really," he continued, his hand still stroking her hair, “you just don’t let anyone else see you relax."  
  
Cara leaned into his caress, closing her eyes and listening to his voice as it dropped slightly in both pitch and volume, becoming an intimate whisper across her senses.  
  
"This side of you, the adorable," he kissed her nose again, “sexy," then her cheek, “irresistible side," the third kiss to her neck made her shiver, “is just for me." His breath was hot against her ear. “All mine." The hand that had been stroking her hair slid to the back of her head, turning her face towards him, making it easy to claim her lips.  
  
Humming slightly with pleasure, Cara pulled herself towards Kaidan, straddling his legs as she shifted her weight onto his lap. But as soon as their bodies started to settle together, Kaidan pulled back from the kiss. They were still so close she could feel the hard beat of his heart against her chest, his breath on her face.  
  
"You’ve got company coming, ma’am." His voice was slightly ragged, but he’d done an admirable job of pulling his professional mask most of the way back on.  
  
"We’ve got time," Cara breathed into his ear, “if we hurry." Her hips, seemingly of their own volition, flexed against him, the friction upon sensitive flesh causing them both to gasp in reaction.  
  
Kaidan’s grip had tightened, his hands hot upon her hips as he instinctively followed her motion, before he managed to still his body beneath her. “Shepard." He sounded rather desperate, but he still forced the words out. “We are not good at quick."  
  
"Alenko," she almost whimpered as she tensed, barely resisting rubbing against him again. “We could try?"  
  
"And prove Miranda’s accusation right?" His fingers were tight enough they were probably bruising her hips, holding them both as still as possible.  
  
"Damnit." Shepard’s body relaxed as her head slumped next to Alenko’s. “Knew you were the smart one." She rested for a moment, wallowing in the feel and scent of him, for all she knew the exercise was slightly masochistic.  
  
"Um, Shepard?"  
  
"Hmm?" She lifted her head to look him in the eyes.  _Is he blushing?_  
  
"If we’re going to be fit for a visitor, I really need you to get off my lap."  
  
Shepard’s answering snicker was highly unsympathetic, but she did get up and sit on the bed across from Alenko’s position on the couch, bouncing slightly on the mattress.  
  
"That is not helping." Alenko’s eyes were closed to avoid watching Shepard grinning at him.  
  
"What’s not helping?" She bounced a little harder, trying to discover if she could get the mattress to squeak or thud, stifling her inclination to laugh at his pained expression. “You’re the one who started something we couldn’t finish."  
  
"Only because you’re irresistible. And insatiable. It was just supposed to be a kiss. And I’m going over there now." Alenko stood and turned his back on the bed, going up the short set of stairs towards Shepard’s desk. He paused right behind her chair, and Shepard suddenly stopped bouncing as she realized what had probably caught his attention. “You have a picture of me. On your desk." He leaned in closer. “Is that my Alliance personnel photo?"  
  
"Um."  
  
Alenko lifted his head and turned toward Shepard, raising a questioning eyebrow. “Um?"  
  
"I think so." Shepard took a deep breath, before spitting out in a quick mutter, “EDIfounditforme."   
  
 _Now I bet I’m blushing._  
  
"You know, if you didn’t want me to see it, you could’ve just had a copy in your omni-tool." He was trying very hard not to snicker. She could tell by the twitch at the corner of his smile. And the lifted eyebrow.  
  
"Kaidan, you know I can’t even set the options that are supposed to be personalized-able in my ‘tool."  
  
"Personalized-able? Is that the technical term you’re going for?"  
  
"Shut up. Told you you were the smart one. Twice now."  
  
"Let me show you something." Kaidan wandered back and sat next to Cara on the bed. He lifted up his arm and turned on his tool, bathing their faces in its familiar glow. “I upgraded mine to have true color memory storage. So I could save this, and it wouldn’t be orange." He made a couple selections, too quickly for Cara to figure out exactly what menus he’d zipped through, and then suddenly she saw herself.  
Or rather, she saw herself from two years ago. With long brown hair up in a bun, regular brown eyes without red highlights, her old N7 armor, and the faded scar crossing her slightly crooked nose.  
  
"What the – where’d you get that?" She glanced from the flickery photo projection to Kaidan’s slightly flushed face.  
  
"Same place you got yours. Alliance personnel file." He turned his ‘tool off as he answered, and Cara felt vaguely relieved to see her ghostly past disappear. “Though, I had to hack a copy myself, rather than having my talking ship do it."  
  
"She offered? Sorta?"  
  
Kaidan shook his head slightly. “That is taking some getting used to. We used to blow up AI, not, well, chat."  
  
"She’s oddly personable. Obviously, since I think of EDI as a ‘she’ rather than an ‘it’."  
  
"A she who’s watching you all the time."  
  
"Well, she never mentions anything she sees, now that she’s unshackled from Cerberus." Shepard shrugged. “And she keeps the ship safe."  
  
"Hmm. If you say so. I defer to your judgment, obviously. Besides, Joker seems partial as well."  
  
Shepard grinned. “That took a while. He kept attempting to block her from the cockpit when we started. Never had much luck, but he kept trying." She sighed, grim memories intruding. “But then she saved him and the ship from the Collectors. Gotta give her credit where it’s due. We wouldn’t have made it without her."  
  
"Then she’s a treasure, and I’ll try not to twitch about the eyes everywhere." He slid an arm around Cara for a hug, her head resting against his shoulder for a moment in companionable silence.  
  
"Fish tanks, huh?" Kaidan got up to get a closer look. “They seem rather lacking in fish."  
  
Shepard snorted behind him, both sad and relieved his warmth had moved away from her side. She’d been about a second away from trying to climb in his lap again.  _Probably why he moved._  
  
"State-of-the-art ship, wasting a fortune for giant tanks of blue water in the CO’s quarters, and they didn’t even bother to put in an auto-feeder. I picked up some fish at the Citadel as a distraction after my first mostly-useless meeting with Anderson, and they died the first time a planet-fall took slightly longer than expected. As in, the second time I got off the ship."  
  
"You could have had someone on the crew feed them."  
  
"That would require letting someone else have access to my quarters when I’m gone. That’s just creepy. Especially when we first got started, and I had no idea who was more loyal to Cerberus than me. No thank you." Shepard paused for a moment, before continuing in a slightly softer tone. “In fact, I think you’re the only person besides me who has been in here since I took command."  
  
"Really?" Kaidan eyes practically sparkled at her through their reflections in the glass. “No one? Just us?"  
  
"Really. Had all my meetings in the comm room or Miranda’s office before now." Shepard felt her heart beat speeding up again in reaction to his smile, even wavery and reflected, and forced herself to break eye contact.  _Stop that. Behave now. I am not some randy teenager. I can maintain self control for one frickin’ morning. Of course, now that I’m not looking at his reflection I have the perfect view of that ass…_  
  
"I need a cold shower. Or two." Shepard’s eyes flashed back up to Kaidan’s face, caught between amusement, frustration, and relief that he’d echoed her thoughts so closely.  
  
"I’d say same here, but then I start thinking about both of us in the shower, and," Cara trailed off, “that is not helping." She stood up, strode past Kaidan and settled at her workstation. “There. Harder to ogle each other through the desk."  
  
"Not really. I have a great view of your legs." Kaidan had turned around to watch her move. At Shepard’s glare, he took a few steps back to adjust his angle. “Sorry. I promise, no more ogling."  
  
They stared at each other in silence for a moment, before Cara giggled. “We’re hopeless."  
  
Kaidan grinned back at her. “Incorrigible."  
  
"Juvenile?"  
  
"Irredeemably so," he nodded in agreement.  
  
"With fancy vocabularies. Smart one."  
  
"Tactical Genius."  
  
"Tech head."  
  
"Amazon."  
  
"Biotic Bad-ass."  
  
"Shotgun bunny."  
  
Shepard grinned in delight. “I had the greatest bunny slippers back on the old Normandy. I haven’t found a pair to replace them with yet."  
  
"I remember. They had fangs. Scariest bunnies ever." Alenko’s mock shudder was tempered by the wink he shot back at her.  
  
"That’s why I liked them."  
  
"I liked your robe better. Slinky. No fangs."  
  
"Hey no ogling, Mister. Not even in memory. That way leads to Miranda walking in on us at a very embarrassing moment."  
  
"You locked the door. She’d just have EDI try to interrupt us at a very awkward moment."  
  
"Yes, that is so much better." Shepard rolled her eyes at him.  
  
"Rather be ignoring your nosy AI than have your crazy former Cerberus-XO watching."  
  
"She’s not usually crazy. First impressions to the contrary, Miranda really is a remarkably intelligent, practical woman. Don’t know why she won’t wear proper armor, but besides that she’s a good teammate. Give her a chance?"  
  
"If I can figure out how to have a conversation without having to stare at the ceiling. That outfit is rather, um, distracting? She really wears that get-up into battle? Doesn’t she ever trip, with those… shoes?"  
  
Shepard flared slightly blue, and a pillow flung itself off the bed straight into the side of Alenko’s head. “The rest of my new lunatics aren’t any better. Behave."  
  
"Yes ma’am. Sorry ma’am." He picked up the pillow and tossed it back on the bed.  _He doesn’t sound particularly sorry._  “No asking the lady in black or the armory officer where they got their skin-tight outfits. Or the crazy biotic about her tattoos, or the baby-Krogan about his tank, or the Salarian Doctor about anything, as he won’t stop talking. Or Tali about the Geth, though I can probably get away with asking Legion about the Quarians. And Garrus is likely still mad at me for yelling at you on Horizon, so I should be careful there as well. Anything I’ve forgotten?"  
  
"Hmm. Nothing about contraband to Chakwas, or she won’t share her Serrice Ice with you. Gardner and the engineering twins are pretty easy going, so they should be fine as long as you’re your usually charming self. Oh, and Chambers likes everyone, so in her case try not to be your usually charming self?"  
  
"Um. I’m not charming."  
  
"I find you charming." Cara was delighted to have made him blush again. “And everyone else finds you at the very least polite, so that’s close enough."  
  
"If you say so. Ma’am."  
  
"See? Charming again. And polite. My mother would’ve loved you."  
  
Kaidan’s flush faded, and he smiled softly. “I’m sorry I never got to meet her."  
  
"Yeah, same here."  
  
"Commander Shepard." EDI’s blue sphere interrupted the silence as they smiled at each other. “Miranda Lawson is requesting the elevator."  
  
Shepard walked over to the sphere to manually terminate the privacy lock-out. “Send her up, EDI. Thank you." She turned to face Alenko where he was still leaning against the tanks.  
  
"I’ll escort her in." Kaidan paused and grinned. “Ma’am." Pushing himself off the glass wall, he gave her a peck on the cheek before exiting onto the landing.  
  
Shepard barely managed to wipe the goofy smile he inspired off her face and resurrect her professional mindset before Alenko returned, escorting Lawson into the room. He stationed himself by the doorway as Miranda nodded cautiously to her commanding officer.  
  
"Shepard."  
  
"Have a seat, Lawson." Shepard led the way back to the corner of couches, settling against the side wall. “We need you, Miranda, and I have no desire to kick you off my ship, unless you make it necessary. Are you ready to listen this time?"  
  
Miranda situated herself almost gingerly into a seat kitty-corner from Shepard’s position before nodding briefly, her hands clasped tightly in front of her.  
  
"You’re right, I don’t want to keep you as my XO." Shepard raised a hand as Lawson started to open her mouth, waiting until the dark-haired woman closed it, and settled back to listen. “There are several reasons for it, and none of them involve replacing you with Staff Commander Alenko. Even if I’d wanted him for the job, he has expressed…" Shepard paused, trying not to allow her amusement to show and rile Miranda up again, “a disinclination to subject himself to the standard chain of command, shall we say."  _Told me flat out he wouldn’t obey an order he disagreed with, rather. Can’t really argue with a man who refuses to leave my side, can I?_  
  
She heard a soft ‘huh’ of air from said man from his post by the door, as amused by her unusual decent into bureaucrat-speak as she was.  
  
Shepard smiled sympathetically at the look of confusion on Miranda’s face as she focused back on the woman. “You’ve been through a lot, Lawson. Everything you fought for, everyone you’ve worked with; you just turned your back on all of it, for the Normandy, her crew, and our mission. You let go of your past for me, and I respect that, and I thank you. You’re smart, you’re tough, and you’re versatile in combat. You are an asset to the team, and I need you to believe that."  
Shepard paused, repressing a sigh before continuing. “However, you can’t kick a lifetime of training overnight. Your tactical analyses all involve accepting a level of collateral damage and human superiority that I am not comfortable with. Based on my observations, I believe that if you found a way to isolate Earth and save humanity from the Reapers by sacrificing the rest of the galaxy, you might do it. And I wouldn’t. I won’t. And I won’t let my number two be someone who would consider it in my place."  
  
Shepard held Lawson’s eyes with her own, waiting, watching the other woman think, still and pale in her place on the couch. When Lawson’s eyes closed in defeat, Shepard relaxed her own tense posture, and moved to sit next to her.  
  
"There’s still work I need you to do, Miranda. You have contacts and intel sources all over the galaxy. We need that information. We need allies, and resources, and we need to keep The Illusive Man out of our way. We need ties to groups besides Cerberus, or we’ll never get Alliance support, and we need that too." Shepard watched Lawson’s color improve as she listened, her eyes already starting to fill with plans. “Which means you get to spend the next three days working with Dr. T’Soni to collate as much information as possible and get me a suggested itinerary for after our visit to the Citadel. A flexible one, obviously, as the Council is likely to be difficult. I’m assigning Yeoman Chambers to help you get everything together and organized. You can pawn off as many of your simple contacts on her as you feel comfortable with."  
  
"I’ve got a preliminary list for you to review already, Shepard." Lawson’s voice was cool, no lingering traces of her earlier emotional outburst coloring her words. “That’s actually what I was trying to contact you about."  _Well, perhaps a slight dig there. That’s acceptable. I did go out of my way to ignore her without warning._  
  
"Hand it over, Lawson, I’ll take a look. Go do your thing; we’ll meet again tomorrow. Breakfast in the mess?"  
  
"Certainly, Commander. I’ll see you at 0900?"  
  
Shepard nodded. “Dismissed, Lawson. Happy hunting."  
  
As Miranda started to leave, Shepard glanced at Alenko. His head pointed slightly towards the elevator, and she nodded her eyes back at him. She watched him follow Miranda from the room before glaring down at the new data-pad Lawson had handed over.  _Time for paperwork. So much less fun than yesterday. Someday, I am getting more than a weekend with that man._


	12. Consultation

Alenko followed Lawson into the elevator, trying to get a read on the woman as they stationed themselves on opposite sides of the small area. Neither selected a destination, simply staring at each other for several moments.  
  
"Is there a problem with the elevator, Miss Lawson? Staff Commander Alenko?" EDI’s distinctive tones interrupted their standoff.  
  
"No, EDI," Alenko answered coolly. “Miss Lawson and I just need a moment."  
  
"Do we?" Miranda’s voice was equally frosty.  
  
"I think we do. And, with all due respect,"  _thank you Ash_ , “I feel no desire to ever spend time with you in your office again."  
  
"You don’t sound particularly respectful."  
  
"Have you earned it?"  _She did bring Shepard back, so maybe yes? No. I cannot make myself thank her for her methods, no matter how glad I am for the results._  “However, I do respect Shepard’s opinion of you, so I’m attempting to give you a second chance." Alenko watched as the woman’s smooth mask flickered for just a moment. When she refrained from speaking up, he continued, “and no, I won’t tell you what she said. You’ll have to ask her yourself. Though I suggest you apologize first."  
  
"To you?" Miranda managed to sound amused, but Alenko thought she’d barely achieved her apparent ease. She held her muscles tight, her movements precise, as if she’d planned each motion out a moment before acting.  
  
"No. Though if you’ve done as much research on Shepard’s past as she claims, I’m sure you’ve read my record too. Which doesn’t really support your accusation. You don’t know me, however, so I’ll let it pass. You do know Shepard though, so insulting her? Especially for something you have absolutely no evidence to support, and quite a lot of experience to refute? Not such a good idea."  
  
"My relationship with Shepard is none of your business."  
  
Alenko barely resisted smirking at her. It would not have been a nice expression.  _Maybe not, but she’ll tell me about it anyways. You can’t say the same, can you? Probably didn’t even know about us ‘til I blew it on Horizon._ The mental reminder was enough to quash any desire to smile or feel superior. “Regardless, that’s not why I wanted to speak with you. I would like copies of the Lazarus data. Please."  
  
Miranda’s eyes narrowed, and the discomfort he’d assumed finally showed just a bit as she shifted her weight. “You would? Really? Are you sure you want to see – she was not in very good shape when we received her."  
  
"I’m aware of the probable results of vacuum exposure, anoxia, and re-entry." Kaidan had to pause a moment to avoid the nausea that list engendered in him, memories of her death not something he wanted going through his mind while dealing with Miranda. “However, I am worried about her metabolism, and her ‘upgrades’, and I would like to know what symptoms I should be keeping an eye on. As, with all due respect,"  _ah, that was even nastier than last time, must keep my dislike of this woman in check_ , "I doubt she’ll be willing to discuss them with you."  
  
For a moment he thought he saw a flicker of sadness in Lawson’s eyes, as if she was aware of the distance she put between herself and other people, and at some level regretted it. He didn’t really care, but he supposed he ought to try. Later.  
  
"I’ve given full copies of all the medical data necessary to Dr. Chakwas for just that reason. You’ll have to convince her of your qualifications if you’d like more information." Lawson’s finger hovered for a moment above the elevator control panel. “Unless there’s something else, I really do need to pick up Yeoman Chambers and get to work." Alenko tightened his mouth under her stare, but gave the slightest shake of his head, at which point she stabbed the button in something resembling triumph.  
  
He wasn’t sure what she thought she’d won, or what they’d lost, but he felt vaguely disappointed, and suspected that neither of them had made a very good showing to the other. He watched in continued silence as she strode off the elevator near the CIC, before selecting the lowest level of engineering himself. He had a stop to make before he headed for the medbay.

* * *

Stepping off the last metal stair, Kaidan turned into the empty cargo hold. Glancing around at the crates stacked and secured against the walls and floors, he slowly made his way to the room in the back, where a long metal case, awaiting pick-up by a Thessian freighter, sat in solitary splendor. Placing his hand on the cool top of the coffin, Kaidan bowed his head for a moment, honoring the asari Justicar who’d saved his lover’s life, keeping her squad safe from Collector swarms. “Thank you," he whispered.

* * *

Kaidan looked around the empty medbay, disconcerted by how similar it was to the old one on the _Normandy SR-1_. It was even in the same place on the crew deck. He wasn’t sure why he’d thought Chakwas would still be at her post on an empty ship. Probably because Miranda was. She managed to give the feeling that a full crew compliment was awaiting her every whim. Or would be shortly.  
  
Shaking his head at his own foibles, Alenko cleared his throat with a cough before speaking up uncomfortably. “EDI?"  
  
"Yes, Staff Commander Alenko?" Her already familiar blue sphere flashed into view next to him, making him jump slightly.  _This is so weird_.  
  
"Um, yes, EDI. Do you know where I can find Dr. Chakwas?"  
  
"Dr. Chakwas is taking leave on Illium. She is using the hotel provided by Dr. T’Soni. She has placed no restrictions on the availability of her contact information, however she did create a large file folder here in the med-bay for you."  
  
"She did what? When? How’d she know I was even going to be here?"  
  
"While I cannot speculate as to her motives, Dr. Chakwas set up the data files shortly after we left Horizon. She simply said I was to alert you of their existence upon your arrival in the med-bay. I can transfer them to your omnitool, or you may access them via her interface on the main desk."  
  
Kaidan looked around the dim med-bay, and shrugged to himself. “I’ll look over it here, I think. More secure. Plus, quiet is good. Lights up, please, EDI."  
  
Following EDI’s instructions, Kaidan logged into a partitioned section of memory on Chakwas’ desk, and settled down to read. He started with the small file with his name on it.

> Dear Kaidan:
> 
> If you’re reading this, that means you and Shepard have patched things up. While I understand the shock you were both under on Horizon, I was a bit disappointed that neither of you seemed able to work past it. Guess it must be love if it turns two such strong, capable soldiers into blithering idiots.
> 
> I hope you’ve also worked things out with Joker. I know you must be disappointed in those of us who jumped the Alliance’s ship and agreed to work for a bunch of villainous maniacs like Cerberus, but sometimes the enemy of my enemy is my friend, especially when trying to get one’s allies to do the right thing is a losing battle. I couldn’t stand to see him grounded, and neither could you, if you’d only just admit it. He misses you. Though I’m sure he won’t admit that either.
> 
> Knowing you, as I do, (I’ve got a stash of your migraine medicine in the top left drawer, by the way, right above the cabinet with the brandy, if you need either), you’ll find all the medical documentation I managed to pry out of Miranda regarding the work The Lazarus Project did on Shepard in the attached folder. Be warned, it is a nasty read, even if you think you know what you’re expecting. And it has a lot of pictures. You might want to try some brandy before you get started.
> 
> Good luck, and I’m glad to have you back.
> 
> Chakwas

Deciding that alcohol, despite its medicinal properties, would probably just make his roiling stomach worse, Alenko opened the folder. And, upon discovering the very first picture, realized Chakwas was right. Shutting the display down for a moment, he shakily poured a generous shot of brandy. This is going to take awhile. Downing the alcohol without much noticing the taste, he settled back down to read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know Samara sacrificing herself to keep the barrier going isn’t accurate for the deaths programmed into the game. But AU epilogue; I went with what worked in the story. That barrier could have been impossible based on the problems they’d had with swarms earlier. So, sorry Samara. If they ever settle down, they’ll name a little Alenko after you.


	13. Intoxication, part one

"Are the Commanders still on board, EDI, or did they sneak out the cargo hold or something?" Joker patted his grumbling stomach as he spoke up.  
  
"Commander Shepard is in her cabin, and Staff Commander Alenko is in the med-bay."  
  
"Med-bay? Is he alright?"  _Calm down, stupid question, course he’s fine._  
  
"I am unable to make judgments regarding the Staff Commander’s mental or emotional well-being, but my life-support sub-routines indicate he has not taken any physical damage."  
  
Joker paused his idle chair-twisting. That was an odd answer, even for EDI. “Why would you be attempting to make judgments on his mental or emotional well-being?"  
  
"The Staff Commader has imbibed the entire contents of Doctor Chakwas’ bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy during his stay in the med-bay."  
  
"WHAT? Get She-," Joker stopped mid-shout, suddenly wondering what Alenko was up to.  "Never mind EDI. Warn me if Shepard leaves her cabin, kay?"  
  
"Certainly, Jeff."  
  
Joker slowly got himself up from his chair, and sighed at the thought of the long walk to the med-bay. Maybe I’ll pick up some coffee on the way. Taking his time, he wandered past the CIC to the elevator.

* * *

  
“‘Sup, Alenko."  
  
"Go ‘way," Alenko snarled, and Joker barely refrained from wincing at the haggard expression aimed in his direction before Alenko flared blue, and an invisible push shoved Joker out of the med-bay.  
  
"OW!" Joker called out loudly when both mugs of coffee he’d been carrying spilled scalding hot liquid down the front of his shirt as he staggered to a halt beyond the doorway.  
  
"Damnit Joker," the med-bay door slid open on a scowling, bleary-eyed Alenko, “whadya break?"  
  
"Nothin’ you big jerk. No thanks to your fancy blue magic-shit. You owe me a shirt. And you can make the next pot of coffee." Joker glared back at the taller man for a moment before making his way back to the mess to dump the now mostly empty mugs. And, despite his complaints, restart the coffee maker himself. Glancing back, Joker saw Alenko watching him, his previously pale, miserable expression twisted in consternation.  
  
"You’re walkin’ better."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock."  _And why am I snarling at him? He’s got every reason to be pissy with me._  
  
"How?" The tone was brusque, the single word clipped and angry sounding, but Joker supposed it was an improvement over biotic shoves.  
  
"Cerberus. Experimental therapy. Bone weave. Fun times all around."  
  
Rather than the disparaging comment regarding Joker selling his soul for medical treatment he’d been expecting, Alenko simply turned slightly green and swallowed hard enough Joker could hear it from across the room. He took a tentative step away from the kitchen counters. “You all right, man? EDI said… "  
  
"You had your ship spyin’ on me?" Alenko flared blue again, and Joker interrupted quickly, hoping to placate the unusually emotional man across the room from him.  
  
"Nah!" Joker held his hands up, trying to distract Alenko long enough to finish talking. “I was just gonna invite the gooey lovebirds to lunch, and so I asked where you were. EDI mentioned an empty bottle of brandy, so I thought,"  _I thought you used to be my friend, and maybe I could help?_ Joker didn’t quite have the nerve to finish that sentence out loud.  
  
"Thought you’d bring me coffee and sober me up?" The blue had faded as Alenko dropped his marine mask back on, and Joker couldn’t tell if he was thankful, pissed, or something else entirely. A judgment made more difficult by the slight sway as Alenko stepped away from the wall he’d been using for support and joined Joker by the kitchenette.  
  
"You do seem a bit wobbly there man."  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
Joker tried yet again to hide a wince.  _Cause you’re my best friend, you moron._ "Moron. You want Shepard to see you looking like this?"  
  
Alenko’s eyes widened comically slowly as he processed Joker’s threat. “No," he managed grudgingly, “don’ wanna see you either though."  
  
Scoffing slightly to hide wince number three in about a minute, Joker slowly refilled two fresh mugs. “Too late. Coffee?"  
  
"Don’ wanna drink with you either. Still mad." Alenko stared down into the mug that he’d grabbed despite his protest. “Still jealous," he muttered quietly down into the coffee.  
  
"What?" Joker was so startled he fell back against the counter, almost splashing coffee all over himself again, and barely avoiding cracking his heel on a stool. “What the hell are you jealous about?"  
  
Alenko flushed slightly, and refused to look up from his coffee. “Nevermind." He turned around and fled back into the med-bay.  
  
"Hell, no, I’m not gonna nevermind!" Joker followed relentlessly, if slowly, chasing Alenko until they both stood by Chakwas’ desk in the med-bay. “I have a mostly-untreatable genetic disease, my best friend’s an AI, I’m closer to my CO and my doctor than my family, and I fucking killed your girlfriend. What the shit do you have to be jealous about?"  
  
"EDI’s your best friend?"  
  
 _Trust the man with the alcohol to seize on the least important part of that sentence._  “Yes, Alenko, I spend all my free time talking to the ship. Why does that surprise you?"  
  
"I got replaced by the ship?"  
  
"Well, you weren’t talking to me! Cause I killed your girlfriend, and all."  _I can’t believe I just said that. Twice. Why the fuck hasn’t he kicked my ass for that yet?_  
  
"That’s not the why I wasn’t talking to you. Mad at you for that, especially after…" Alenko’s voice trailed off with a shudder as he glanced at the desk next to him. “But you’re a pilot. Good pilots are always stupid about their ships. Didn’t mean to kill her." Alenko shrugged, then nodded in the overly serious fashion that only the less than sober could manage.  
  
"Really?" Joker whispered.  _But I didn’t even wanna talk to me, and someone should put me out of everyone’s misery for getting’ her killed!_  
  
"O’course! Mad, yes, but the brain understands where you were coming from." Alenko’s voice dropped to a whisper as he leaned closer in an unexpectedly friendly and conspiratorial manner. “I have a big brain, ya know. Full of stuff." He suddenly collapsed into the desk chair, looking back up at Joker with a slightly goofy smile. “She thinks I’m the smart one."  
  
"Right. Good for you."  _Forgot how the damn man’s brain jumps around like a bunny on a three-years-worth-of-Easter-candy-sugar-high when he’s drunk._  “Um." Joker tried to remember what they’d been talking about. “Where were we?"  
  
"You replaced me with a girl. A sorta imaginary computer only girl. Who watches you all the time. That’s kinda creepy, ya know that?"  
  
"We already did that part, Alenko. No one else’ll put up with me. We were at the why you weren’t talking to me part."  
  
"You weren’t talking to me either."  
  
"Cause I felt bad I killed my CO, your girlfriend, and the best damn soldier either of us ever met! Damnit man, I thought we established that one three years ago. The fact that I’m sorry I got her killed never seemed a good enough reason for anyone to still be talking to me. And yet, most everyone still does. Except you. Why, man? Please?"  
  
"Oh." Alenko scowled. “Jealous you did what you wanted. Tried to save the ship. Dumped the Alliance. Got to fly. Got to," his voice dropped down to a whisper again, sad and lonely sounding, “got to help her when she came back. I didn’t get to help. I wasn’t there. Wanted to be there. I wanted to stay behind. Be with Shepard." His voice gained slightly in strength, but it was still low and sulky.  _And he’s back to staring into the damn mug._  
  
"Then you’d just be dead, too!"  _And I don’t think she woulda made it without knowing you were out there waiting. She was more herself after seeing you on Horizon, even if she was miserable. Stopped being super-human-robot-woman, at least._  “Not like Cerberus was gonna try its Lazarus shit on both of you."  
  
At the mention of the Lazarus project, Alenko swallowed hard and staggered off to the med-bay’s bathroom, slamming his mug down on the desk with a splash as he bolted.  
  
"Crap." Joker could hear Alenko’s heaves from the next room. “I’m an idiot."  
  
Joker slowly and carefully grabbed a paper towel and wiped up the coffee on the desk, making sure he avoided glancing at the display that was still powered up.  _Now I know what drove him to drink._ Joker really didn’t want any details on what Cerberus had done to Shepard. Especially as they were making the battle-experienced medic sick. Chakwas looked pretty green the day after she showed up, too.  _Must have been when she looked at the files. I am so never opening that computer. Never, ever, with sugar on top. Not even for porn. Or perfect bones. Well, maybe for… nah. Not even._  
  
Joker settled sadly into an open chair, his coffee mug forgotten on the floor, and put his head in his hands.  _I have no frickin’ clue what to say. Or do. Or, crap, I have no clue about anything. I hate this. I always have three different options of what to say next. Usually varying degrees of rude, but still…_  Joker blinked and lifted his head following a surge of black amusement.  _That must be why we got along so well. Both always gotta have a plan._  “That worked so well for us, didn’t it?"  
  
"What did?" Alenko had finished cleaning himself up, and was braced against the bathroom doorway, staring at the unhappy pilot.  
  
"Oh, all our plans. Went to hell. I really don’t like hell. Not a nice place to visit. No one has a sense of humor."  
  
The sentinel snorted in agreement as he worked his way back to his chair and his coffee mug. “I feel like crap, Joker," he sighed.  
  
"Yeah, same here. And I don’t even have a bottle of brandy as an excuse."  
  
"Was really good brandy. Should prob’ly buy Chakwas a new one, huh?"  
  
"Hell yeah. Don’t want the doctor mad at you. She’s scary."  
  
Kaidan blinked at him slowly. “You charged a Reaper with a frigate, and you’re scared of Dr. Chakwas?"  
  
"She knows everything, and has all the drugs, good and bad, right at her fingertips. Plus, she’s got this way of staring at you, her head a bit to the side, and you can tell she’s just the slightest bit disappointed, and it makes you feel about half an inch tall. I can’t take it. It’s brutal."  
  
"Hmm." Kaidan paused thoughtfully a moment. “She called me a blithering idiot in her note." He gestured vaguely at the desk display. “Though I deserved it."  
  
"Oh, anyone getting a set-down from Chakwas deserves it. Makes it worse."  
  
Alenko’s answering chuckle ended with a groan, and a hand to his head. “Uh. Don’t make me laugh. Gives the room extra spin."  
  
"I could get up and spin your chair around. That’d really make you dizzy."  
  
"Yeah, and then I’d probably crash right into your legs. You’re walkin’ better, but not that much better."  
  
"Oh, ow, I’m so scared. Threatening the cripple. Such a big, tough, marine you are, Alenko."  
  
"What threat? Gimp plus drunk leads to messy accident. Don’ wanna get hurt. Or hurt you."  
  
"Aw, thanks. Nicest thing you’ve said to me in years."  
  
"Almost the only thing I’ve said to you in years." Alenko retorted. “Now shuddup."  
  
"Where’s the fun in that?" Joker grinned.  _Nice to tease him again._  
  
"Dunno. Don’t think I’m fun."  
  
"Shepard thinks you’re fun," Joker winked.  
  
"Dunno why." Alenko smiled, relaxing back in his chair to drink more coffee. “Am eternally grateful, though."  
  
"Yeah, well, you guys are pretty frickin’ adorable."  
  
Alenko swung his head around to peer at Joker with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t let Shepard hear you call her adorable. She doesn’t like that." His grin belied the seriousness of his tone.  
  
"I’ll make sure I only do it when I can blame you for the idea. You won’t break when she hits you. Plus, she probably won’t hit you as hard, anyways, cuz she thinks you’re cute."  
  
"She does, doesn’t she?" The goofy smile was back.  
  
The sound of the med-bay door sliding open caused them both to swivel in the chairs, then awkwardly try and sit up at something resembling attention at the sight of Shepard glaring at them.  
  
"EDI!" Joker hissed. “What happened to my warning?"  
  
"Commander Shepard desired the ability to surprise you both. She is the ranking officer, so I felt it correct to accede to her request."  
  
Kaidan laughed at the expression on Joker’s face. “That’s what you get for replacing me with a girl. She doesn’t have your back, Joker."  
  
"Like you’d pick me over Shepard, dumb-ass."  
  
"Of course not, but I never let you think otherwise."  
  
"Boys," Shepard interrupted, “are you drunk?"  _Someone saw the empty bottle. And our general slovenliness. Ooh, that’s a good word. Should use it more often._  
  
"Yes," Alenko admitted.  
  
"No," Joker claimed, simultaneously. “I’m not," he continued at Shepard’s skeptical glance. “But Alenko really is. Drank all the good doctor’s brandy. He’s a bad officer. You should punish him."  
  
Shepard’s lips twitched slightly as she apparently tried not to laugh. Alenko didn’t even attempt to stay serious, grinning appreciatively at Joker’s comment and raising an eyebrow suggestively at Shepard.  
  
"How ‘bout I feed you both some lunch first? Liara recommended a restaurant not far from the dock." She paused, glancing at their mugs. “Get the taste of Joker’s burnt coffee out of your systems."  
  
"Hey, just cuz no one else on the ship makes their coffee strong enough does not mean I burn mine."  
  
"Joker, ‘black’ is just an expression. Coffee is not supposed to be the color of charcoal. Or have a similar taste."  
  
"Wuss. You drink girly-coffee, with cream and chocolate and crap, don’t you?"  
  
"Not usually crap, no. It’s pretty good with whipped cream and chocolate, though."  
  
"Hmmm. Whipped cream."  
  
Joker glanced over at Alenko’s unexpected interruption, and noticed the man was staring at Shepard, not his coffee mug. “Damnit, Alenko, too much information there." He stood up and maneuvered his way over to his CO. “Let’s get the damn biotic some food, kick that metabolism back into gear, and hopefully get his edit man back on, pretty please?"  
  
"I don’t know, Joker, I rather like where his mind’s going, myself."  
  
"Really too much information, Shepard. You need a new edit-man too. And you don’t have any brandy-fueled excuses." Pretending to glare at the two of them, he headed out of the med-bay towards the elevator. Where he had to wait a few minutes for them to catch up, slightly flushed and arm-in-arm. “Okay, you two need to pretend, at lunch, that you’re actual thirty-something-adults, and not teenagers. Just while we’re eating. Or I’m seriously sending that picture of you two holding hands to Wong, Hackett, and Anderson. And the Consort. And anyone else I can think of."  
  
"Why the Consort?"  
  
 _And once again the man skips the important part and picks at the little detail._  “Hey, I heard how she was all handsy with the Commander way back when. Maybe she’ll try it on both of you now. You never know with Asari."  
  
Alenko’s scowl returned as his grip tightend on Shepard’s arm, but she only laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “Never happen. I don’t share well with others." Her tone turned deadly serious. “Mine," she whispered at Alenko, just barely loud enough for Joker to catch, even though he was standing right next to them.  
  
"Ok," Joker interrupted their umpteenth staring contest. “Third wheel here, hungry. Promised me food. Knock it off. Adults, remember? Extortion not workin’ for ya anymore?"  
  
"Sorry, Joker, give us a minute." Alenko’s gaze hadn’t wavered from Shepard’s for a moment, their hand-clasp tight enough their knuckles were turning white.  
  
"Right. Again. Will do." Joker gave up, called the elevator, and headed up to the CIC to wait.  _Gah. They make me feel old. Hormonal, melodramatic, teenagers. Aren’t people supposed to get that out of their system when they’re… sixteen. Crap. Neither of them got to be sixteen. I’m shutting up now. In my head, even._


	14. Intoxication, part two

Shepard felt like she’d over-indulged at a champagne brunch, off-balance and emotional at one in the afternoon. And Alenko, who was obviously not quite sober, was the only steady thing in view, his brown-eyed gaze warming her soul.

_And other body parts. I am completely out of control. Which probably ought to bother me, but …_

It kept hitting her at odd moments, her heart stuttering as her emotions surged and overwhelmed her. _I could have lost him so many times, in so many ways, from epic heroics to petty arguments._ Just the thought caused her chest to ache, a sympathetic pain of heart and lungs laboring, so similar and yet so different from the cold of her death.  
 __  
”Mine," Shepard repeated fiercely after Joker left.  
  
"Yours," Alenko’s reply was implacable, his instant agreement inspiring a fierce joy that left her breathless.  
  
She was comforted knowing that he was just as floored and desperate about their connection as she was. _And at least I’ve proven that breathing isn’t as necessary to long-term survival as people claim._ Wincing mentally at the thought, which was a tad too dark even for the privacy of her own head, Shepard lost eye-contact, only noticing when her gaze dropped to their clasped hands that her fingers hurt. __  
  
"Sorry." Alenko’s apology startled her into smiling back into his eyes as their grip loosened.

"For what?"  
  
In response, he gently wiggled his fingers against hers.  
  
"Can you even feel your fingers?" Shepard asked.  
  
"Yeah, sorta. You?"  
  
"All tingly."  
  
"I’ll get more than your fingers tingly." His dark aura flared, successfully shocking all her nerves to life right before he slid one arm around her waist, yanking her tight against him for a kiss that sent shivers across her sensitized body.  
  
She’d gotten used to the taste of burnt coffee and toothpaste in the med-bay, but it did eventually remind her that they had to behave. _And that we need to talk about that brandy sometime this afternoon._ She pulled away reluctantly, smiling wryly at Kaidan. “Joker’s waiting for us."  
  
"Probably on the bridge again, too," Kaidan replied after catching his breath. “Evil man." He paused for a moment and directed a glare at her from under lowered eyebrows. “Actually, he’s always waiting on you. Evil woman." The heat in his gaze came from lust, not anger, and sent another tingle along her nerves as she watched the promise for later build in his eyes. He grabbed her again, holding her tight, and she heard him take one last deep breath, as if saving the scent of her hair for later, before he stepped away and summoned the elevator back to the crew deck with a heavy smack to the panel. _  
_

* * *

Shepard forgot what she said even as she spoke, Joker’s comments disappearing even as she laughed at them. She drank nothing but coffee, yet felt her buzz grow until she was giggly and tipsy, high on the warmth of her companion, her Kaidan, a banked fire that never strayed far from her side.  
  
They played tourist, walking slowly through Illium’s shining towers, daring their friend along to see how far he could get on his new legs. Joker dragged them to a show where he could sit in retaliation, some traditional asari dance troupe experimenting with human jazz and ballet moves, turning the classical earth music slinky and mysterious. And then the pilot escaped back to his ship, claiming fatigue with a lewd wink and an exhortation to “be good" as he disappeared around a corner.  
  
So they found their own dark corners, places to steal a few kisses, careful to keep their biotics in check, the blue glow sure to give them away. It was a deliciously painful experiment in self-control and restraint, one Shepard was unsurprised to lose, over and over, to Alenko’s wicked mouth and dancing fingers. As soon as she flared they pulled apart and tried to behave until the next tempting alley interrupted their meandering path back to the hotel. She crowed with delight when her pounce right before they turned down the last street surprised him enough that he finally lost their impromptu contest, his blue aura flickering across her skin as he grabbed her back.  
  
Neither paid any attention to the other patrons in the lobby before claiming an elevator car, slamming the ‘close door’ button immediately to protect their illusion of solitude, both ignoring the probable camera as they wrapped themselves around each other on the short trip to the top of hotel. They were mercifully uninterrupted until they arrived on Shepard’s floor, where she barely resisted laughing when they dashed past the man waiting for a ride down on their way to her room. Shepard slammed the suite’s door shut with Alenko’s body, her lips against his, her hands already at his belt. She distantly heard the beep of the security lock as Alenko hit it, ensuring their privacy before his hands assisted her in shoving their clothes out of the way as quickly as possible. _  
_

* * *

Cara turned to her side, squeezing the pillow under her head as she watched Kaidan sprawled across the bed, his head turned toward her while he slept. She was getting ridiculously fond of afternoon naps, especially now that she had such delicious company. She was ridiculously fond of anything that involved spending time with Kaidan, even just watching him eat, or sleep, or read his messages. Or lift an eyebrow at her, for various reasons, all of which tended to send a surprising shot of lust through her body. _I am turned on by his damn eyebrows. I have never found eyebrows sexy before. But every time he looks at me…_  


* * *

> _Captain Anderson had told his new XO to go introduce herself to the crew. Said he thought she’d make a better impression on an informal basis, rather than standing in front of them while rumors flew during a standard ceremony. The whole shake-down cruise was both rushed and hush-hush, so no one would wonder too much at the change in protocol. She’d introduced herself to the Navigator and the Navy crew-members, exchanged a brief but pithy hello with the crazy-ass pilot, and saved the Marines for last. Marines tended to be wary around the Butcher, wondering if she’d get them killed too._
> 
>   
> _She’d known their OIC was attractive; she’d seen his personnel photo after all. She’d been looking forward to meeting another biotic, a tech and a Sentinel no less; he had the most versatile skill-set she thought she’d ever seen, and an impressive record. Despite all her preparations, she’d still felt completely pole-axed when those serious brown eyes had first fixed their gaze on her, his heavy eyebrows furrowed in what she’d assumed was disapproval. She’d felt an unexpected pang in the area of her heart at that, and had forced herself to swallow the tide of regret rising in her throat before she could greet him properly. For some reason his opinion was suddenly desperately important to her, and she had no idea how to salvage her reputation from wherever scuttlebutt had dumped it.  
> _

* * *

Cara reached out and softly stroked Kaidan’s hair, much as she’d wanted to do at first sight, smiling as he stirred and looked up at her through his eyelashes. “Share what inspired that lovely smile?" His voice was extra husky with sleep, and she shivered pleasantly at the sound.  
  
"Remembering the first time I saw you. Scowling at me on the Normandy."  
  
"Wasn’t scowling. Desperately hoping you wouldn’t notice I was fighting off a migraine and decide the L2 wasn’t worth the bother. I’d had a few CO’s with no idea what to do with a biotic, or who didn’t care how pretty my file looked, they were determined they weren’t going to put me anywhere near anything or anyone important." He scowled in disgust at the memory, before smiling at her again. “Plus, I was distracted by the scorching hot case of instant lust you inspired."  
  
Cara grinned in agreement. “I spent our whole first conversation trying not to wonder if jumping you our first night out would finally distract a crew from all the Butcher speculations usually surrounding me."  
  
"Mmm" Kaidan hummed in appreciation, his fingers gently sliding up and down her side, “would’ve been too stupid to take you up on that."  
  
"Well, I was obviously too stupid to act on it. Proof we’re perfect for each other. Mutually stupid."  
  
"Glad we outgrew that, then." Kaidan murmured as he rolled over and gathered her close. “The stupid part, not the perfect for each other part."  
  
Cara sighed happily as she settled onto his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her. “Did we though?"  
  
"Outgrow that particular stupid? Yes. All stupid in general, probably not. That your way of asking me about the brandy?"  
  
"No, but now that you mention it, what happened? I thought you were heading out to introduce yourself to my crew, not get drunk in the med-bay."  
  
"Dr. Chakwas left me a … present."  
  
"And you felt the need to drink the whole thing before lunch?"  
  
"That wasn’t the present. That was a side-effect of the present."  
  
Shepard lifted herself up on her elbows to have a better angle from which to scowl at him. “Stop being evasive. It’s not like you, and it’s pissing me off."  
  
"Yes, ma’am," Kaidan smiled his crooked half-smile at her, which succeeded in making her smile back at him for a moment before her brain kicked back in.  
  
"Stop that!" She smacked him on the shoulder. “You’re very good at distracting me. Knock it off before I hurt you."  
  
"What did you have in mind?" His smile got a little broader, as he completely failed to look intimidated.  
  
"Going back to my ship to do paperwork. How’s that for hurt?"  
  
"Ow. That’ll do." Kaidan sighed before shifting uncomfortably. “Chakwas left me a note that started out by telling me we were blithering idiots on Horizon, continued by warning me where my migraine meds and the brandy were stashed, and finished with a giant attachment of all the Project Lazarus data she got from Lawson. The pictures in which were a bit much to handle sober."  
  
"Oh." Cara squirmed a bit before attempting to settle back down on his shoulder. “Do I – ?"  
  
"No." Kaidan cut her off before she even got her question out. “There’s nothing in there it could remotely help you to see, but I will answer any questions you have, if you want." His tone clearly stated how little he was looking forward to that, but she was impressed enough he’d offered.  _That cannot be nice information floating around in his head, not if Jacob’s description was remotely accurate._  
  
"I’m good, thanks." She finally relaxed against him, her fingernails rasping pleasantly through his chest hair as his hand traced soothing circles across her back.  _Maybe a bit more nap…_

* * *

> _Shepard’s time with the Marines had gone surprisingly well after the first few moments of awkwardness with their team leader. Lieutenant Alenko hadn’t even recognized her as the Butcher right away, and had seemed pleasantly surprised to be working with a fellow biotic. It gave her hope that she’d finally found a posting where she could just do her job. Maybe even make some friends again.  
>   
> _ That’s assuming I can get through the night without ruining my decent first impressions, however. On a cruiser I’d only have to worry about freaking out a bunkmate or two with my nightmares. Here, everyone can walk by the sleeper pods. Why’d the fancy new prototype dream job have to be on a frigate? __  
>   
> Standing there staring at her assigned pod in discontent, Shepard didn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind her.  
>   
>  "Not fond of the sleeper pods, are you, Commander?"  
>   
>  Trying to hide the jump he’d startled out of her, Shepard turned to see the marine Lieutenant standing behind her with a sympathetic half-smile on his face. Do not check out the fine-looking LT in his shorts and t-shirt… __  
>   
> "I do find I am suddenly missing my bunkmates, yes, as at least they came with a door that closed."  
>   
>  "I always got one that snored, though. At least the pods are sound-proof. And they have a privacy shield, once you’re in them."  
>   
>  "I think it’s the getting in and out in the hallway that’s bothering me."  
>   
>  The Lieutenant’s perceptive brown eyes narrowed in thought for a moment. “Headaches or nightmares?"  
>   
>  Shepard felt her jaw attempt to drop in shock, and barely managed to slam her mouth closed before she stood there gaping like an idiot. That’d be a great way to impress the man, and as he’s the first person to ever ask me how I slept without sounding like he thought I was too unstable to lead a team, it’d be nice if he still liked me. _“Nightmares, mostly. Generally just the first few days of a new posting, before I get used to it. You?"_  
>   
>  "Migraines, usually. L2 complications."  
>   
>  Shepard nodded slightly, as she suddenly remembered the medical note at the end of his file. It had been rather vague, and she had been pretty sure it was trying to imply something in the bureaucratic double-speak she hadn’t quite learned to interpret yet; a warning against potentially unstable L2’s made a certain amount of sense, in retrospect.   
>   
>  All it clearly stated, however, was that the Lieutenant had permanent access to the higher level narcotics and pain relievers for personal use as well as the typical permissions granted to a certified medic. “I’m endlessly thankful that no one wanted to invest in getting me implants until after I joined the Alliance, by which time the L3’s were ready."  
>   
>  The Lieutenant shrugged a bit uncomfortably. “Got used to it. And I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve got a harder kick, and no crazy to go along with it." Shepard could feel him waiting for her to add a ‘so far’ to the end of that sentence, but she felt no motivation to oblige him. He seemed remarkably steady and stable to her.  
>   
>  "Well," she paused consideringly, “us biotics have to stick together. I promise to escort you to the medbay when you get a migraine, and you can join me for a midnight snack when necessary to fend off the nightmares. Then no one gets to pick on either of us. Sound good?"  
>   
>  He smiled softly. “Sounds lovely. Ma’am."  
>   
>  The “ma’am" almost shocked the smile she’d been developing in response off of her face. She had not even remotely been thinking of him as a subordinate; a dangerous precedent on the first day of their acquaintance. No reason to take her unexpectedly raging hormones out on the man, however, so she forced a polite nod before retreating into her pod. Where she found herself excessively aware of the fact that he was sleeping in the adjacent pod. And despite knowing it was inappropriate to be so soothed by his presence, she found the thought of him next to her a remarkably comforting mental conceit, one which miraculously resulted in a dreamless sleep.  
> 

* * *

__  
"C’mon, let’s go." Alenko dragged Shepard towards the suite door.  
  
"Where?" Shepard practically squeaked in surprise.  
  
"Out. We need snacks. High calorie snacks." Alenko paused, and added, proud of his straight face, “got to recuperate from all the extra exercise we’re getting, don’t we?" He was delighted to hear her giggle in response, and follow along perfectly willingly as he headed outside.  
  
Shepard giggling had quickly become his second favorite sound in the world. The first was her moaning his name, but that wasn’t something he could think about, or he’d have to cancel their excursion and drag Shepard back to her suite. Which would add to the pending awkward rather than help, so was Not a Good Idea.  
  
As it was, he had to pretend he hadn’t noticed when she added caramel sauce and cherries to his delivery order of perfectly innocent cookies, peanut-butter, cheese, crackers, ice cream, replacement brandy, and  _not even the slightest bit innocent_  whipped cream and chocolate sauce, or he’d never have turned towards the taxi stand rather than high-tailing it back to the hotel.  
  
"Now what are you up to?" Her voice piped up behind him. “Getting me all interested in chocolate and ice cream, and then not ravishing me? Are you feeling well?"  
  
Alenko stopped in the middle of the walkway and groaned. “You are an evil, evil woman, have I mentioned that lately?" He turned around, and with a sudden dip and turn, flung her over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. “Shut up, please, or we’re not going to make the dinner Liara so kindly arranged for us and the rest of the old crew, and I’d rather not get Vakarian even more annoyed with me."  
  
"Liara invited us out to dinner? Why didn’t you say so?" Shepard tried to lift herself out of his grip, but he smacked her on the butt to get her to stay still.  
  
 _Must not think about other things I can do with her in my arms … must keep walking._  “Well, if you’d read your messages, you’d have known. And stop squirming."  
  
"I can walk, you know."  
  
She sounded like she was pouting. That mental image was adorable. He might have to put her down just to see the expression on her face.  _Wait, no, running late._  “Yes, but if I watch you walking after that ravishing comment, we’ll be very late."  
  
"I’ll walk drag," she offered.  
  
"And your self-control is so much better than mine."  _Plus, there’s no way I’m denying myself the view of those legs in action._  
  
She laughed and started wriggling around again anyway. I _s it possible to die of sexual frustration? Two years celibate followed by a few days with Cara is starting to feel potentially fatal._  
  
"Please?" She sounded completely clueless of the reaction she engendered, moving against him. “I’d like to get your shoulder out of my gut."  
  
Sighing in defeat, Alenko let her drop her feet to the ground, his brain stopping for a moment as he felt her sliding between his arms and down his body. He had to force himself to release her and let her stand on her own. “That’s just not as much fun," he rasped out.  _Probably less likely to drive me crazy, though_.  
  
"It is for me," she answered softly, slowly running her hand up his sleeve until their arms were linked as they walked side-by-side.  
  
He slanted a sideways glance at her. “Suppose it is pretty nice, at that."  
  
They walked quietly for a moment, enjoying each other’s company, until Alenko noticed her shifting her glance around, and muttering quietly. “When did I get so damn sappy?"  
  
"Don’t know." Alenko grinned when she glanced up, apparently surprised to hear him respond. The joy he felt at the knowledge that being in his company made her just as goofy-happy as it made him, however, didn’t mean he could resist teasing her about it. “When’d you get such spectacular legs? Cause they’re what usually inspire me to be particularly sappy." He leaned back a moment, enjoying the view, before leaning in and adding with a whisper into her ear, “especially when they’re wrapped around me."  
  
"That’s not sappy, that’s horny." Her eyes darkened, her pupils widening as she glanced at him, as if she was as fond of that mental image as he was.  
  
"No reason I can’t be both," he responded, caught in her gaze.  _Must not jump her in public. Behave. Self-control is a good thing._  
  
Shepard smiled almost shyly for a moment, before her gaze dropped, and he realized she seemed embarrassed.  _Mustn’t scare her away now. No emotional conversations in public. I used to hate that even more than she does. I didn’t used to have to work quite so hard to remember the self-control._  He nudged her gently with his elbow to break the mood. “You’ll protect me from the scary turian vigilante, right?"  
  
"Nope. Not after you slung me over your shoulder like some caveman. You can fend for yourself."  
  
"He’ll probably shoot me, you know that, right?"  
  
"Big baby. He wouldn’t kill you. Besides, I’ll nurse you back to health."  
  
"Oh. That’s alright then. Will you wear one of those red-cross hats? And the little white dress?"  
  
When she threw back her head with a laugh, he found himself staring at her neck, wishing he could taste his way down it, his eyes following the curve of her clavicle under her shirt. I can’t believe I just got turned on by a collar-bone. But every time I look at her … or hear that laugh … she’s better than heavy drugs. __  


* * *

> _Alenko woke to the warning chime of the sleeper-pod in his ear, and tried not to feel disappointed that the new XO hadn’t woken him up for a midnight snack._
> 
> What is wrong with me, wishing nightmares on a fellow officer? Plus, I had to force myself to remember to call her ma’am, so it’s certainly better we not spend the night together. _The accidental innuendo was enough to make him flush with embarrassment, even in the privacy of the pod._ I cannot be thinking about her like that.
> 
> _He smacked his head against the lid of the pod, trying to beat some sense back into it._ Superior Officer. N7 graduate. Could severely kick my ass. _He let out a shuddering sigh._ Crap. Not helping. An impressive soldier, with legs up to…
> 
> Stop that, _he reminded himself, yet again. She was a beautiful woman, strong and talented, a quality officer and soldier. The combination was irresistible._  
>   
>  Well, I just have to learn to resist. Self-control. I don’t want to cross the Butcher, right?
> 
> _But even in their short acquaintance, it was obvious she was neither incompetent, nor a bloody sociopath, the two most popular explanations for the clusterfuck that was the Torfan operation, and he found he desperately wanted to know what had really happened._
> 
> _Unfortunately, the OIC of the ground forces had retired under a cloud, and while rumors flew regarding Shepard’s part in his dismissal, the entire thing had been classified.  
>   
> _ The Captain probably knows, though, and he still picked her for XO. Wonder if either of them would tell me if I asked? _At that he smacked his head against the lid again._ Like I could manage that while pretending purely professional interest. I am an idiot. And if I keep this up, I’m going to bring back that migraine that miraculously left me alone yesterday. __  
>   
> Taking a few deep breaths, Kaidan strangled his hormones back under control before exiting the pod. And as he turned away from the mess to head towards the showers, he heard Commander Shepard’s voice; glancing back he saw her smiling at something Corporal Jenkins had said, her lush lips softening the previously grim expression, the change highlighting the curve of her cheeks rather than the scar across her nose.  
>   
>  Damn. I’m doomed.


	15. Recommendation

"Yes, Tali?" Garrus stood in the doorway of his room, trying not to snap at the not unexpected interruption.  
  
"Garrus."  
  
She just stood in the hallway, her mask opaque as she stared at him. He thought that glare was somehow bred into all females, as he’d been on the receiving end of the same sort of slightly angry and vaguely disappointed look from his mother, various co-workers and complainants back at C-Sec, Nalah Butler, Dr. Chakwas, and most recently his commanding officer whenever she thought he was being reckless.  The irony of which never escaped him, though it frequently did Shepard.

Solona is a master at it.  Adding Tali to the list felt somehow inevitable. He was vaguely surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.

 _If we get Grunt to introduce me to a krogan lady next time we’re by Tuchanka, I’ll have annoyed the females of every major species in Citadel space. That takes some sort of talent._  
  
"Garrus," Tali repeated when he failed to answer, her usually cheerful voice growling at him.   
  
"Why are you still in your room?"  
  
"Why shouldn’t I be in my room? My room. Perfectly natural."  
  
"Liara sent a cab for us," Tali explained as if to a five-year-old.  
  
"I’m not going."  
  
"She’s your best friend." Tali was blatantly unimpressed by his determination. He was pretty sure her foot was about to start tapping.  
  
"Which is why I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to ruin her night," he paused, desperately trying to keep his face still and tight so as not to give away his agitation, “by shooting her boyfriend."  
  
"So don’t shoot him. Problem solved. He’s your friend too, isn’t he?"  
  
Garrus lost the fight and flared with frustration. “Of course. I’m always still friends with people who don’t talk to me for two years, and then show up just long enough to yell at our CO. It’s the perfect set-up for a friendly reunion."  
  
Tali’s voice finally softened. “She forgave him, Garrus, why can’t you?"  
  
Garrus turned and stalked back into his room, barely hearing Tali follow and slide the door closed.  
  
"I just … it’s complicated."  
  
"So explain it to me."  
  
"Don’t want to bore you. Go, have fun." Garrus waved his hand hopefully towards the door. She didn’t follow his suggestion.  
  
"I have a shotgun. I can make you talk."  
  
"And I can sabotage your shotgun. And then you’ll sic your droid on me, and I’ll have to overload him, and we’ll just make a big mess and end up annoyed at each other."  
  
"Which is why you should give it up now, and come play nice. For her." That time the foot did tap, and he felt the glare growing again. _How does she do that? I can barely even see her eyes._  
  
Garrus opened his mouth to argue some more, but finally admitted to himself it was a losing battle. _Quarian’s as stubborn as a krogan. Smarter, but just as bull-headed._  He shook his head slightly at the younger woman as he sighed. “You’re barely older than my baby cousins. How do you manage to sound so much like my mother?"  
  
"Did you just call me an old lady?"  
  
"Spirits forbid! I called my mother young and sprightly. And wise."  
  
"Well then, we both thank you. Now let’s go, yes?"

* * *

  
" … and then Johnson decided to wake Alenko up at 0300 when he staggered back from his bar crawl, under the mistaken impression the good medic would waste an IV on him. The LT chewed him out but good. And gave him early work call."   
  
Chakwas smiled slightly at Joker’s story, as the misuse of some extra saline to cure hangovers and flush the system out prior to a potential urinary test was an oft-denied but long standing soldier tradition. One she was unsurprised the Staff Commander had failed to support. “Of course," Joker continued, “all this was the perfect distraction, so I got back to my bunk with no one the wiser regarding my unscheduled leave."  
  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Chakwas enquired quietly of the turian next to her, who was failing to join in the general amusement.  
  
"Hmm?" Garrus glanced over at her in surprise, his blue eyes widening just the slightest bit, as if he’d forgotten she was there. “What’s a penny?"  
  
"Old earth coin. Just a phrase to ask someone what he’s concerned about, when his mind is obviously considering something other than his immediate surroundings."  
  
Garrus glanced across the table, where Shepard was smiling and leaning against the slightly embarrassed Alenko. Garrus’ face tightened a bit around his scars at the view. Shaking his head slightly, he turned back to the doctor. “Nothing I’m proud of, Doctor, or wish to continue thinking about." Garrus shrugged, the human mannerism highly compatible with his angular frame. “Tali already took me to task for it, so there’s no need for you to as well."  
  
Chakwas tilted her head slightly, staring the morose turian down. “Did I imply that I thought you needed to be taken to task? I simply asked what was bothering you. Don’t rush to assume judgment where there is none."  
  
"Sorry Doctor," he answered instantly, his mandible flaring the slightest bit in surprise at his own instinctively formal response to her determined tone.  
  
"Relax, soldier," Chakwas chuckled. “I’m not trying to make you feel worse. Quite the opposite in fact. If you need to talk?" She gestured towards the bar, offering a location where they’d be less likely to be overheard. “Or drink, I suppose." She lifted her own empty glass, and nodding politely around the table, gracefully slid back and walked over to the bar for a refill.  
  
She was pleased when, after a moment, she heard a second glass tick against the bar next to her own. Shifting slightly, she smiled up at the taller man next to her.  
  
"Are you all right, Garrus?"  
  
"Of course, Doctor. Chakwas. Karin?" His fingers were clenched awkwardly around his glass as he flailed uncomfortably between formality and camaraderie.  
  
"Were you more convincing when you spoke to Tali? Because if you weren’t, I’m surprised she stopped hovering over you at dinner." Chakwas was still learning turian body language, but the dropped jaw as he smiled was impossible to misinterpret.  
  
"I think the two pouches of that mysterious cocktail Liara provided are what distracted her from her hovering."  
  
The woman’s throaty chuckle easily agreed with him, but her gaze stayed steady on his face, refusing to be distracted.  
  
"Truly, Doctor, I’m fine. Humans are just a bit confusing."  
  
"We are, aren’t we?" She continued staring, lifting her eyebrows questioningly.  
  
"And nosey." Garrus finally stopped fidgeting with his glass, crossing his arms in front of his chest.  
  
"We like to know how things work. Including the people around us. All social species do that, though, not just humans. You’re avoiding the question."  
  
"Not very successfully, it seems."  
  
"Not so far, no," Chakwas smiled.  
  
"It’s just that," Garrus started, glancing over at the group back at the table, “They’re not … it’s not … I’m not usually this inarticulate."  
  
"You’re disappointed in them. And part of you knows you’re being unfair, that it’s not their job to live up to your personal expectations, so you’re disappointed in yourself too."  
  
Garrus leaned back in uncomfortable surprise, one arm dropping back to the bar to maintain his equilibrium. “Well, that’s where all my eloquence went. You’re sneaky, Doctor."  
  
Chakwas’ smile grew slightly sad. “I just recognized something from a similar reaction of my own, when I was younger." She sighed softly, her gaze distant before returning to his and continuing. “You’re as much an idealist as I am, Garrus, and no matter how many times the world proves you wrong, some small part of you will always be a romantic, always expect good to triumph over evil, the daring rescue to succeed, the bad guy to be foiled. And for Love to triumph over all, rather than inspiring our heroes to wound each other horribly."  
  
"Not to be too rude, Chakwas, but how many cocktails have you had? That was a bit more lyrical than our usual conversations."  
  
"Not to be too personal," Chakwas retorted, ignoring his question, “but have you ever been in love?"  
  
She watched Garrus open and close his mouth a few times futilely, but no words came out.

"I’ll take that as a none of my damn business, then, shall I? Just remember, it’s the person you care about the most who will inspire your worst behavior. Because they’re the only one so important that you think whatever you normally do won’t be good enough."  
  
"But she didn’t do anything!" Garrus finally sputtered out in frustration.  
  
"And that was the problem." Chakwas shifted a little, placing a comforting hand over Garrus’ fingers as she attempted to explain. “Shepard barely said hello to him on Horizon, and didn’t even try to explain why she’d obviously told you she was alive and not him. She re-appeared out of nowhere, when he saw her die in a particularly horrible fashion, backed up by Cerberus of all people, and couldn’t even manage to tell him she was glad he hadn’t been taken by the Collectors. It had to seem, to him, like she didn’t care. Possibly never had cared."  
  
"How … ?"  
  
"Joker and I always listen to the mission feeds. Make sure we’re prepared if something goes wrong. And we’re nosey, as you so accurately pointed out a little bit ago."  
  
Garrus closed his mouth with a snap, staring at the Doctor, who continued to smile serenely at him as she gave his hand one last careful pat. “Just something to think about. Just because they hurt each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and can’t get over it, together. If they want to. And if their friends are there for them when things get tough again." Grabbing her refilled glass, she returned to her seat at the table, sliding just as easily back into the conversation, adding something to Joker’s latest tall tale that had everyone laughing yet again.  
  
Turning back to his glass, Garrus gestured the bartender over and requested the non-alcoholic version. He needed to think.

* * *

  
Tali sat uneasily in her seat, fidgeting with her empty drink pouch.  _Do I really, can I? Is it rude? Or?_  She peered nervously at Kaidan and Cara, who were leaning against each other in the booth, fingers entwined on the table, watching Dr. Chakwas gently attempt to teach Joker some old-fashioned earth dance that wouldn’t hurt on his upgraded legs.  
  
"Stop arguing with me, Jeff," the doctor’s voice drifted over to where they were sitting. “Obviously, you shouldn’t be jumping and slamming around, but you don’t have to stay attached to your chair anymore. There’s no reason you couldn’t take a nice lady out some evening."  
  
"What would I want with a  _nice_  lady, doc?"  
  
Doctor Chakwas tilted her head just a little, raising her eyebrows at him.  
  
Joker sighed extravagantly. “Yes, ma’am, sorry ma’am, no sassing the doctor. I remember." He took Chakwas in his arms, and added with a grin; “just don’t blame me when I step on your toes. This was your idea."  
  
"I’ll blame Liara’s lovely cocktails for both my idea and your clumsy feet, how’s that?" Chakwas seemed amused rather than worried by Joker’s threat.  
  
"Perfect, doc. Lead the way." Joker paused. “Shit, I’m supposed to be leading the way, aren’t I?"  
  
"A gentleman doesn’t swear at his partner, Jeff. And yes. Try to aim away from the tables please."  
  
Tali couldn’t help the giggle that escaped at the sight of them slowly drifting across the mostly empty dance floor.  
  
"Mamma Chakwas is very determined, isn’t she?" Shepard was grinning at Tali as she spoke up, Alenko chuckling softly in agreement. Tali nodded slightly, before sighing happily. It had taken a while to get used to their bare faces, and the ease with which humans allowed basic physical contact, but she’d grown to realize that Shepard and Alenko looked good together, and it was nice to see them happy, for a change.  
  
"Um," her voice started without her really planning it.  
  
"Yes?" Alenko’s voice was soft and soothing as he waited patiently for her answer.  _Almost as nice as …_  
  
"Kal’Reegar," she squeaked, glad no one could see her blush through her visor. Not how I wanted to start this conversation.  
  
She saw Shepard’s lips twitch slightly, but her voice was smooth and even when she spoke up. “What about Kal?"  
  
"He led the squad protecting me on Haestrom," Tali explained to Alenko, “and helped at my trial… Shepard told you about my trial, yes?" At his nod, she paused, still having trouble figuring out how to ask her question.  _I should have had another cocktail. Less thinking, more alcohol._  “I was just wondering, when you, how you knew, I mean, fraternizing is a serious thing in the human military, yes? And yet, you two," she trailed off, frustrated at her inability to make a sensible point. “Keelah," she muttered to herself in embarrassment.  _Maybe less alcohol would’ve been better._  
  
Alenko managed to keep his face straight, but she’d gotten better at reading humans over the years, and was pretty sure he was trying not to laugh at her. She sighed miserably, shifting her gaze down to the table.  _Ah, that’s not fair. He’s too nice to laugh at me. I’m an idiot, however. Can’t even talk properly._  
  
She felt a gentle hand on her glove, and looked up to see Alenko’s sympathetic smile. “We two got called blithering idiots by Mamma Chakwas, did you know that? Don’t feel bad. Emotions are tricky."  
  
"But," Shepard added, “you don’t want to avoid them forever. You’ll regret it, later."  
  
"But, how did you know?" Tali asked. “That it was real? That it was worth it?"  
  
"You never know until you try." Shepard’s face was oddly grim as she answered. “And then you hope. And when it all falls apart, you try to hold the pieces together until it gets better, and you do it again. And again, as necessary." Shepard and Alenko’s hands tightened together on the table, and they shared a glance Tali couldn’t interpret, and wasn’t sure she wanted to try.  
  
"You’re scaring her, Cara," Alenko whispered, before turning back to Tali, his voice returning to its normal volume. “Not that she’s wrong. But when it’s there, when it’s more than just mutual lust at first sight," he glanced back at Shepard with a slight smile, her face softening a bit in response. “When it’s more than just desire, or respect, it’s worth it Tali. Every moment you can get. And you only get them if you admit how you feel to him."  
  
"But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?"  
  
"Then you binge on the quarian equivalent of chocolate ice cream, make me watch girly vids with you, and teach me some stronger swear words than  _bosh’tet_  to call the man." Shepard smiled at her. “I’ll even kick Alenko out for the occasion."  
  
"Hey!" Alenko chuckled, obviously not really upset, as he kissed Shepard gently on the cheek. “Ah well, for Tali, I suppose that’s alright."  
  
"Or I could always shoot him for you." Tali jumped, and turned to see Garrus smiling behind her, having silently returned to the table at some point while she was talking. He settled into the chair next to her as he continued. “Nothing too fatal. You could visit him in the med-bay. Show him what he’s missing."  
  
"Now, why didn’t I think of that?" Shepard’s once rare laugh saved Tali from trying to think up a response. “You’re a bad influence on me Alenko, turning me all girly."  
  
"I like when you’re girly." He didn’t even wince as Shepard smacked him in the shoulder. “I like that you can kick my ass too, though, so it’s a win-win situation for me whatever you do."   
  
Grinning at the woman beside him, he slid back his chair, stood up, and held out his hand. “May I have this dance, oh dangerous and not at all girly or adorable Spectre?"  
  
"I can’t dance, Alenko."  
  
"If Chakwas can get Joker to dance, you can certainly manage to follow my lead. If you absolutely hate it, I promise not to make you do it again. For at least a year."  
  
Shepard raised her eyebrows at him in disbelief. “You’re up to something, I can tell." She paused, her head shifting slightly as she eyed him, frowning slightly in thought. With a sudden smile, she took his hand and stood up. “But whatever you’re plotting, dancing is a civilized excuse to grope you in public, so I have no idea why I’m arguing with you."  
  
"Maybe I just wanted to grope you in public, too?" Tali heard Alenko answer as they left the table, before he swung her around and onto the dance floor proper.  
  
Trying to hide her amusement, Tali glanced at the turian beside her, worried he was still upset with the couple slowly moving away from them. To her surprised relief, he was simply watching them thoughtfully.  
  
"Shepard’s right," he finally commented.  
  
"About?"  
  
"She’s not a very good dancer."


	16. Reaction

_I feel like I’m flying. Carried by an Angel._  Looking at the woman on his arm, strolling peacefully through Illium on their way back to the hotel, Kaidan admired the way the light seemed to make her glow, the auras in his vision giving her a halo. While he knew the floating feeling meant his body was overloading him with pain-killing neurochemicals prior to a descending migraine, one which was currently hovering just out of reach somewhere past his temples, he was enjoying the current feeling too much to worry.  
  
 _This one is going to be really nasty when it hits. I don’t remember the last time I got the happy overdosed sensation before-hand. Usually just tracers and nausea. Knew I shouldn’t have tried that cocktail of Liara’s, especially after all that brandy this morning. Something in the combo my brain really didn’t like. Probably better warn her._  
  
"Cara," he paused, distracted by the light through her hair as she turned to look up at him.  _Such a glorious angel. None of those wimpy, cute, friendly angels so popular in cheap romantic vids, either, but a proper, avenging, strike terror into the hearts of evil-doers right-hand-of-God smite-the-bastards Seraphim. Wonder what sort of religious background they had on Mindoir. Wonder what Cara thinks of angels. Should I tell her she looks like one?_  
  
"Kaidan?" He barely noticed her widened eyes as he stared at her in silence, forgetting what he’d meant to say as he got lost in his own thoughts. “Your eyes look a little… um… not quite right there, Kaidan. And you’re even hotter than usual. In the technical sense, not me trying to jump you sense. Do I need to call Chakwas? Kaidan?" She gave his arm a little shake, and he finally dragged his mind back to the conversation, noting her sigh of relief when his gaze properly focused on her.  
  
He felt a sloppy smile cross his face as he reached out to cup her cheek and gently kissed her forehead. “Glorious. My Cara." He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get his thoughts to line up long enough to finish a sentence, fighting past the dual-distractions of her smell, and the soft friction of the strands of her hair between his fingers. “I’m going to get hit by a really nasty migraine sometime in the next half-hour. Until then, I appear to be a little loopy with preparatory endorphins."  
  
He heard a soft snort, her breath light against his face. “You’re the only man I know who’d manage a phrase like ‘preparatory endorphins’ when his brain is off in la-la land. Let’s get you back to the hotel room and turn off all the lights." Feeling her slight tug on his arm, he straightened up, opening his eyes and contently followed along beside her as she started off again at a brisk pace.

* * *

His eyelids popped open so suddenly he was surprised they didn’t crack. He felt hungover, and hollow, and as fragile as china, but his head held only shadows of the migraine that had driven him to break into his stash of pain meds and pass out, hiding under his pillow. It had been brutal, but judging by the lack of shakes from low blood sugar, hadn’t lasted too long. It was probably still the same night. Early morning, maybe?  _What woke me up?_  
  
There was no comforting warmth nearby. As his fingers slid slowly through the cool sheets to either side of his nest in the middle of the bed, he experimentally tried lifting his head a bit. Absurdly relieved when it neither shattered nor wobbled off his neck, he attempted to focus on the room around him.

Which was too dark to see anything in. Expensive sound-proofing, black-out curtains …  _Liara really does have quality taste._  
  
A sudden flicker of blue, combined with a light tingle across his nerves, sent him lurching out of bed and scrambling across the room.  
  
"Cara," he called into the darkness, but there was no answer, so he kept moving even as the faint blue light faded, the tickle of the weak gravity distortion disappearing from his senses at the same time. In the darkness, he rammed his knee right into a chair, and felt something swing free and hit his leg. “Cara?" His voice barely forced past his tight throat, he fumbled until he found her fingers with his own, her hand icy against his skin.  
  
As he touched her, he heard a soft whimper, and felt a shiver hard enough to travel through the chair and into his wrenched knee. “Cara, please," he begged, calling up his own biotic aura to help him see. He was having trouble controlling his movements, keeping his arms moving smoothly enough to feel for her heartbeat and her breathing, both of which were terrifying slow, her skin, even across her chest and torso, almost impossibly cool.  
  
"Cara!"  _Oh god, please, not again, not like this, not when I should’ve been here, not when I was just across the room …_  
  
She was completely non-responsive, ignoring his attempts to shake or startle her awake; even a hard rub on her sternum barely made her twitch. He reached into the chair, some vague plan of  carefully shifting her so he could do a better examination flashing through his thoughts. As soon as he got a decent grip she shifted, just the slightest bit, into his chest. Relief like a flush of cold water through his heart, he crammed them both back into the chair, rubbing his hands up and down her arms, calling directly into her ear, trying to warm her up.  
  
"Please, Cara," he kissed her cheek, her ear, tucking her as tightly against his own body as possible, panic chasing all his medical training out of his mind as he begged for another reaction, his aura fading as he focused all his attention on the woman in his arms.  
  
Finally, an eternity later, she gasped, and he felt her body tense, then relax with a shudder. “Kaidan?" The softest of whispers, but it was more than enough. He found her lips with his thumb, and leaned in to give her a kiss.  
  
"Welcome back," he whispered, tucking her head back against his shoulder as he relaxed against the chair, completely unwilling to move apart for even as long as it would take to get back to the bed.  
  
She sighed, settling into his embrace, her breathing and heartbeat evening out as her body slowly warmed against him, and they drifted back to sleep.

* * *

  
Moaning slightly, Cara tried to stretch the nasty kink in her shoulder, and felt her arm run into the warm body apparently wrapped around her …  _in a chair?_  Blinking slightly in the darkness, she tried to get her internal clock, or memory, or anything else in her brain to wake up and tell her what she’d been doing.  
  
"Huh," Kaidan grunted in her ear, and she felt his body shift underneath her, his arms tightening as he moved to prevent her from sliding too far. “Mmmm," he sighed, without apparently waking up, despite a position that had to be as uncomfortable as her own.  
  
 _We’re both still dressed_ , she tried not to snicker aloud.  _That’s new_. Without really thinking about it, she reached her free arm over towards the side table, and flailed around a bit trying to find the lamp. When the soft yellow glow managed to erupt right where her eyes were staring unfocused into the darkness, she winced, jabbing an elbow into Kaidan’s stomach.  
  
"Ow," his grunt was much more intelligible this time, and she suddenly remembered his migraine from the night before.  
  
"Oh damn, Kaidan, I’m sorry, is your head," she trailed off as he blinked at her, his pupils looking much more normal than the night before. “Weren’t you in the bed with a migraine?"  
  
"Yeah," his voice was soft, and she watched his eyes move across her face, a worried frown creasing his forehead. “Are you alright?"  
  
"Me? Why wouldn’t I … ?" She suddenly remembered the cold, and the dark, and warm hands and lips shocking her back to the present. “Oh, yeah," she shifted uncomfortably, flexing her sore back and shrugging her shoulders.  
  
"Oh, yeah? That’s it?" She felt him tense as he paused, before forcing a deep breath and continuing. “Talk to me, Cara." His hands cupped her face, preventing her awkward squirming.  
  
"About what?" She kept her eyes down, avoiding his gaze as much as possible. “I’ve had nightmares since I was sixteen, Kaidan, you know that."  
  
"You were freezing. Do you have any idea what your body has to be going through for a biotic’s core temperature to drop?" He tilted his head down, following her fidgety gaze, preventing her from escaping by even just a glance. Her lips tightened as she resisted the urge to shove herself away from him and across the room, anything to stop the conversation. “Please, Cara." His voice was getting raspier than usual. “I cannot handle you shutting me out."  
  
"I’m not!" She declared in shock, her dismay finally forcing her to stare straight into his face. “There’s nothing to fucking say, Kaidan! I have nightmares. I always have, probably always will." She reached her hands up to his, reminding herself to be gentle as she removed them from her face and down to their laps. “I handled them just fine on my own, so stop fussing at me."  
  
"Under what mental defective’s definition of just fine do you put ‘barely breathing’?" He hissed desperately, directly into her face.  
  
Shepard flung her head back, almost snapping herself out of the chair as she snarled, “I am not a damn mental defective."  
  
"You are when you ignore your own symptoms and bury your head so deep in the sand you’ve started to think it’s warm and cozy as opposed to suffocating!"  
  
With a bright flare of blue, she lost it, swinging her hand up to slap him. His own aura burst into view at the same time, his arm barely managing to block her blow in time. “Is that really how you want to play this, Shepard?" His voice was deceptively smooth, and cold as ice.  
  
 _Dear God no, I’m sorry_ , some small part of her mind tried to insist, but her body had already shifted, shoving her off the chair and sliding sideways to present the smallest possible target to her opponent.  
  
She hadn’t really expected him to fight aggressively, used to the slow, attritional tactics he’d preferred in most of their small-squad situations. Before she’d even finished moving back, however, Alenko lunged off the chair straight for her, his shoulder hitting her square in the chest as he rammed them both into the wall.  
  
Being prepared for the shock, he recovered faster, grabbing her wrists and holding her hands above her head, his entire body keeping her practically immobile.  
  
Pinned, she snarled, her aura flaring up higher as she desperately tried to force enough leverage to form a mnemonic for throw, or charge, or even just a knee to his gut, anything that would let her fucking move.  
  
"Cara, listen to me!" As his face tilted towards her, trying to talk, she attempted a head-butt. He’d picked his position well, though, and she couldn’t get enough momentum. “Nightmares interrupted your sleep when you got a new posting," he continued, refusing to react to her struggle with anything more than slight shifting in his weight to compensate. “Beacon visions gave you headaches, woke you up every few nights on the Normandy. This, whatever this is, could ki…"  
  
"Shut up, Alenko," Shepard interrupted, finally managing to hook a leg around his, pulling them both just enough off balance that they staggered away from the wall, and each other.  
  
They stood facing each other for a moment, Shepard’s nostrils flaring as she glared, Alenko panting, his eyes never wavering from her face.  
  
"Well?" she snarled.  
  
"You told me to shut up, Shepard," his mouth was tight, his lips barely moving as he spoke.  
  
"And now you listen to me?" She sneered past her nose at him, her lip curled up from her teeth.  
  
"I would if you’d talk to me."  
  
"Oh, like I’m the only one trying to avoid the unpleasant subjects."  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" His entire body was as tight as his mouth, his words spaced and overly enunciated.  
  
"That I told you everything I could think of about Lazarus, and Cerberus, and fighting the Collectors, and all I know about the last three years of your life is that Anderson stole you from the Alliance and you requested to be off in the middle of nowhere as much as possible so you didn’t have to listen to the politicians or the news. Oh, and a throwaway line about your own nightmares when you were busy yelling at me for selling out my principles."  
  
"Talking to me is not the same thing as a mission debriefing, Shepard." Alenko snapped, taking the two steps forward necessary to destroy all the space between them. “You’re fine telling me what you want me to hear, but as soon as I ask a question of my own, you start a damn fight. I am not your subordinate any more, and I’m not letting you get away with this crap."  
  
"My crap? Answer the question, asshole," Cara shoved hard against his chest with both hands, knocking him back half a step.  
  
"You never fucking asked me one!"  
  
"Where the hell were you when the nightmares started up again?"  
  
Kaidan’s eyes darkened as she watched her question hit home like a blow to the chest, and her hands flew to her mouth, as if she could somehow drag the words back in and lock them up again.  
  
"I was on a date," he whispered, his voice harsh and ragged. “With a doctor. Drinks at the Dark Star. The day you woke up, alone, getting shot at, I was letting some other woman try and help me forget you."  
  
Her vision darkened as her brain desperately tried to stop any of the jealous, homicidal urges her temper threw at her.  
  
 _Two steps to the side, slide back one, closet, shotgun …_  
  
"Get out." Her hands had dropped to her sides, her fingertips ice cold. She could hear her own voice reach her ears, soft and light, like a little girl’s. She stared at him, but he didn’t move, his eyes still on her face, his expression beyond her ability to interpret, his mouth still tight.  
  
"I said get out!" Her scream died against the heavy walls of the room, and he finally turned, every movement a stiff jerk of uncooperative limbs, until he passed out the bedroom door, closing it oh-so-carefully behind him. She stood silently, barely breathing, until she heard the suite’s main door open and close with a slight whoosh of air, and the beep of the security lock re-engaging.  
  
 _Fucking son-of-a-bitch cheated on me_ , her mind wailed, flickering between rage and despair. She leaned back, away from where he’d been standing, her legs only shifting position as she was about to lose her balance, until she’d moved enough to feel the wall at her back. Sliding to the floor, she wrapped her arms around her knees, her head slowly coming to a rest in the hollow of her body.


	17. Instigation

_Fuck._  
  
Kaidan lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, his senses straining as he hoped for a noise from the bedroom, for some sign of how Cara was doing.  _If I feel the slightest gravitic twitch across my nerves, I am breaking that damn door down. I don’t care how mad she gets at me._  Despite his efforts, he jumped in surprise when he heard the door open, stumbling to his feet as he looked over at the doorway.  
  
Cara stood there, her red-rimmed eyes widening with surprise at the sight of him, her face flushed as she stared in silence.  
  
 _Damn it, I made her cry. I should’ve stayed put and let her shoot me._  
  
"But, I heard, didn’t, the door?" He could see the swallow move down her throat as she stuttered to a halt.  
  
"Promised I’d never leave you again, Cara." He cautiously took one step towards her, stopping at her slight flinch backwards. “Even if you want me to," he finished in a rough whisper, hands clenching at his side as he forced himself to stand still.  
  
"I … don’t"  
  
Kaidan briefly closed his eyes to hide the shot of despair as he heard the catch in her voice.  _Is she trying to convince me, or herself?_  
  
"I have to … I’m supposed to be meeting with Miranda," she continued softly.  
  
"But Cara, please," he tried to approach her again, and she skittered past him along the wall, towards the door.  
  
"Not right … I can’t, Kaidan. Please."  
  
"No."  
  
Her inching retreat across the wall stalled.  
  
"This is more important than a logistics meeting with Miranda. We’re more important."  
  
Cara finally spun around to face him directly. “If we’re so important, why’d you cheat on me?"  
  
Kaidan blinked, resisting the urge to grin. She’s talking to me again. “I didn’t?" He attempted cautiously.  
  
She paled, her eyes practically flaring with a visible surge of temper, and he had to consciously stop himself from dropping into a defensive stance in preparation for his impending doom.  _That was the wrong thing to say._  
  
"You’re the one who told me about the damn doctor. Trying to take it back now?"  
  
"No, I’m not. I can’t. I mean, it happened, but … it wasn’t … it didn’t mean anything."  _Nothing meant anything without you._  
  
"Didn’t mean anything?" Shepard yelled. “I’m not supposed to care that you … and some other … I mean, I know you thought I was dead, I mean I was dead, but," she stomped forward, stabbing his chest with her finger, “damn you!"  
  
"I’m sorry?" He tried again, his voice tentative as he rubbed his breastbone where she’d poked it.  
  
"That was convincing, you damn bastard. I fucking want to shoot you in the head, and you didn’t let me leave so I wouldn’t! You develop a death wish this morning?"  
  
"Uh, no?"  _I am at least three steps behind in this conversation … when did that happen?_  
  
"Then why the hell did you put the mental image of you and some other woman in my head? I can’t stop thinking about you, and your hands on, and … " she flung her hands through the air and stomped her foot in frustration as words failed her.  
  
 _She stomped her foot! That’s so cute, she is just ridiculously… wait, what? My hands on … ?_  
  
"Oh, god, Cara, no!" His eyes widened in horror as he finally figured out what she was thinking. He jerked forward and grabbed her shoulders, desperate to convince her. “Nothing happened. Ever. Not since you. No one, nothing, ever compared to you."  _Please, god, you have to believe me._  
  
She shrugged her shoulders out of his grip and paced back away from him, scowling suspiciously. “You fucking said you were trying to forget me!"  
  
"Not voluntarily!" He took a step back himself, trying to marshal an explanation rather than jumping at her again in a panic. “It was a blind date. My friends at the barracks invited me out, and when I got there I saw this delicate little blonde lady waiting at our table, and before I could turn around and leave she saw me, and smiled, and I realized they’d set me up, and it wasn’t her fault I didn’t want anything to do with her, and it’d be rude to just stalk out on her, and she looked so completely unlike you, and …" He forced himself to pause and take a deep breath, attempting to slow down his rant.  
  
"I ordered a beer, and we talked about the Citadel, and working with aliens, and how much we both hate the latest OS update for the medical diagnostic ‘tools, and our completely incompatible taste in music, and anything else I could think of that hopefully wouldn’t remind me of you. Only everything did, so I walked her home and shook her hand and never saw her again."  
  
"Really?" Cara’s drew the question out, her frown fading as she twisted her head to peer at him out of the corner of her eyes, her body poised to move, somewhere,  _hopefully not further away from me again._  
  
"Really, Cara, I swear. Losing you, I just, I couldn’t handle it. Ever. I went through the motions, I threw myself into work, but I was so angry, and I never got over how guilty I felt for letting you die." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, trying to find something to say that would edge her back towards him instead of further away. “The night before Ilos, that one weekend we grabbed on the Citadel before they sent the Normandy back out again, the little bit of time we stole together, it meant everything to me. Means everything to me, even now."  
  
"Me too," she whispered. “Every time I woke up after Lazarus, I reached out for you. And you were never there, and then you were, and I could finally actually sleep, and I didn’t want to go back to anything else. Or even think about it."  
  
He took a shaky breath as she edged just the slightest bit closer, trying to stop the hope welling inside before it inspired him to jump at her and scare her away again. “And I still can’t handle the thought of losing you. Again. Ever. I’m worried about you, Cara. I’m sorry for yelling, and fighting, and letting you think I’d been with someone else, but I panicked. You promised not to die on me again, remember?"  
  
"I never wanted to in the first place."  
  
"And I never wanted to be with anyone else. Even when you were gone."  
  
All the tension fled out of Cara’s shoulders with a shuddering sigh, and she lurched forward, slamming into his chest and tucking her head into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around him. His arms snaked around her in return, and he rested his cheek against her head, her hair catching and pulling slightly on his stubble.  
  
 _Let’s just not move for a while. Like a year. Or even a decade._  
  
BEEP   
  
They both jumped as the alarm on Shepard’s omnitool warned of her impending appointment with Miranda. Cara smacked at her wrist in irritated retaliation. “I think I’m done yelling for the moment, and I should probably get going."  
  
"You sure about that?" His mouth descended to his favorite spot on her neck right behind her ear, and he started working his way down.  
  
"Hmmm," he was pleased to hear her inarticulate moan, but then she tilted her neck away with a sigh, pushing him back with her shoulder. “Wait, stop, there’s something I have to say, and then I really do need to go."  
  
"Really?" Kaidan whispered teasingly in her ear, but when she shook her head the slightest bit, he leaned back until he could see her face. “Sorry, yes, I’ll behave."  
  
It seemed he could feel every hair on his jaw as they touched the palm she placed on the side of his face. “I just, it’s," she paused with a slight scowl creasing her face between her eyebrows. “I know, logically, that even if you had, with the doctor, I mean…"  
  
He opened his mouth to reassure her, but she slid her hand in front of his mouth. “Shush, I need to figure out how to say this." At his nod, her hand dropped back down to her side, and she tried again. “I hate thinking about how I left you, and I never even, before I died, told you …"  
  
"Neither did I," Kaidan interrupted, before she pointed at him and scowled again. “Sorry," he whispered.  
  
"And I imagine having to go on without you, and I just, I can’t… " she swallowed, hard, “and to think you had to go through that, and if someone else could give you comfort, or even if you’d moved on… after all, I was dead, and I wouldn’t want you miserable forever, or even at all, I mean, I want you to be happy, Kaidan. Always."  
  
He swallowed past the tickle in his throat, dropping his forehead to hers so he could smile directly into her eyes.  
  
Her returning smile was small, her eyes slightly damp. “But, and I know it makes me a total petty bitch, I am really fucking glad you didn’t sleep with her."


	18. Altercation

Jack snarled against the stasis the scruffy bastard had somehow slipped past her guard, wondering why the fuck some unknown law-and-order-type had found her on Illium.  _He is going to pay. Been too nice, for too long, and he oughta know better than to mess with …_  
  
"I know you’re more powerful than I am," the man shoved his face right in front of her eyes so she couldn’t avoid watching and listening to him until the damn field wore off, “but brute force isn’t everything, and you know it, or you never would’ve been locked up, and I never would’ve caught you off guard long enough for a _stasis_. That means you might not win a full fight, either."  
  
He smiled tightly, as if he could feel the sneer she couldn’t make in reaction to his blatant attempt at self-preservation.  _As soon as the fucking stasis breaks …_  
  
"But what do I really get if I win? If I don’t kill you, you’ll dog my every move, planning for a rematch, cause you can’t let someone else keep the power. Have to keep it to yourself, so it can’t be used against you. Because that’s what the strong do to the weak, you know it in your bones. They hurt." If she could, Jack would’ve narrowed her eyes to glare a bit more information out of him. _How the fuck does he do that?_  
  
He didn’t sound defensive, or melodramatic, or like he’d pulled a good line of bull-shit out of his ass. He sounded like it was a perfectly reasonable precaution. No one ever thought she was reasonable.  _Fuck it, I know I’m not reasonable._  
  
Unable to scowl, she actually looked at him properly rather than just waiting for the opening to kick his ass, and noticed a fine network of scars around his mouth.  _That looks fuckin’ familiar. I’ve seen scars like that before, but … Turian! Damn turian fists, cut you all up when they punch you. He got punched in the face by a turian and is still standing? Fucker might be harder to break than I thought._  
  
The  _stasis_  field shifted out of existence, but she just leaned back on her heels, waiting.  _See if he’s got a good enough story. Might not be worth Shepard yellin’ at me for fighting on the docks._  
  
He leaned back as well, one dark eyebrow lifted, his expression .. amused?  _Me wantin’ to kill someone usually makes ‘em nervous._    
  
"On the other hand, what would winning really get you? I’ve pissed you off, so you wouldn’t be able to resist hurting me just that little bit extra, and when Shepard finds out,"  _Shepard, what the fuck does this jack-ass know about Shepard?_  “you’d be lucky if the least she did was kick you off her ship. Knowing her temper …" he shrugged, obviously content to let Jack fill in the blanks with her own imagination.  
  
"What the fuck do you know about Shepard?"  
  
"That she wouldn’t like you picking on a stranger you ran into on the docks, now would she?"  
  
"You started it, fuck-wit." Jack strolled over to a handy crate and sat down, glancing back to see if the pretty-boy would follow.  
  
"By recognizing you?" He did, leaning against a metal shelf and crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
"Only people who admit to recognizing me are those trying to kill me or arrest me." Her lips curled in a predatory smile as she eyed him up and down. “Or fuck me."  
  
He raised the same damn amused eyebrow. “Sorry, Jack. Shepard’s likely to forgive me if I got you arrested. I’d even still take my chances if somehow I got you killed. But fucking? Never gonna happen."  
  
"Shit." Jack’s eyes widened. “You’re Alenko."  
  
"Damn it."  
  
 _Is he blushing?_  Jack grinned with wicked glee. “I try to kill your damn ass, and you talk me down. I know your name, and you lose your fuckin’ tongue?"  
  
"Someone trying to kill me isn’t embarrassing. Or all that unusual, really." He shrugged uncomfortably. “You knowing who I am makes me wonder what the hell the rumors are on the Normandy."  
  
"Shit, I think even Grunt knows who you are, and he has no interest in the gossip. Not that Shepard mentioned you, ever, but word got ‘round, after Horizon."  
  
Alenko’s face twisted in a grimace. “Nevermind, don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know."  
  
"Well, if you don’t want to chat, loverboy, what the fuck you doin’ here?" Jack leaned back, waving at the crates and the empty gantry-crane, somehow managing to inject a swagger into the motion while still sitting down. “Ain’t exactly honeymoon central."  
  
"Waiting." He shrugged again. “Didn’t really feel like joining Shepard’s chat with Miranda."  
  
Jack practically cackled in response. “I avoid the cheerleader whenever possible myself."   
  
Leaning over, she punched him in the shoulder, a bit disconcerted by the strength of her own pleased reaction.  _Damn Shepard. Making me soft with all her touchy-feely crap. Gonna get me killed, liking people I’ve just met._  “You’ve got good taste."  
  
Alenko twisted a half-smile at her, his brown eyes disconcertingly friendly, considering she had introduced herself by trying to kill him. “You’re a lot nicer than I expected, considering the descriptions I’d heard. Plus, the attitude. And the haircut."  
  
"Yeah, well," she mumbled, “don’t tell nobody about it."  
  
"Course not," he nodded. “Don’t want to give you a reason to pick another fight with me. Shepard might not scare you off next time."  
  
"Bitch didn’t scare me off this time. You’re just … " she scowled at him. “Different. Confusing. You and Shepard are perfect for each other. Kick someone’s ass, then play nice? Too damn nice, if ya ask me."  
  
Alenko snorted in amusement. “Well, thanks, I think. I’ll let her know you approve." His expression suddenly went oddly distant, and then he shouted, “we’re over here, Shepard! All clear!"  
  
Jack jumped at the sudden sound of boots approaching. “How’d you do that, loverboy?"  
  
"Felt her biotics. Probably why she was heading in this direction."  
  
"You can feel ‘em?"  
  
He looked over at her, a slightly surprised look on his face. “Can’t you? You’ve got more than enough power to sense other people’s fields when they flare."  
  
"Well," Jack wasn’t used to feeling embarrassed, “more just a lot of background noise. Buzz down my spine." She shrugged, her tattoos seeming to shift across her arms with the movement. “You really felt Shepard? And could tell it was her? What’s that like?"  
  
Alenko smiled softly. “Sunshine. Sometimes warm and gentle, sometimes blazing hot, but always bright. Beautiful."  
  
 _Fuckin’ romantic. Damn, that explains a lot about Shepard too._  
  
Before Jack could pull out a proper comeback, Shepard appeared around a corner of metal shelves. “We, Alenko?" She paused, eyes shifting from Alenko to Jack and back again. “What are you and Jack doing back here in the middle of someone else’s shit? And why did your biotics flare a few moments ago?"  
  
"Why’d you come right out?" Jack demanded before Alenko could answer. “Perfect place for a trap. Someone coulda had him under guard, made him call out."  
  
"Then he would’ve said everyone was fine, rather than all clear, and I’d have called in Garrus to scope the area. Plus any other crew handy." Shepard raised her eyebrows at Jack. “Any other questions?"  
  
"What’s he feel like?"  
  
Shepard’s eyebrows went back down as she scowled. “Are you sure you want to ask that question, Jack?"  
  
"Fuck off, I didn’t mean it like that. His biotics. You knew where we were, you felt his field, right?" Jack shifted all the way up on the crate, pulling her legs up under her as she spoke.  
  
"Oh." Shepard glanced at Alenko, who shrugged slightly, that same damn friendly half-smile still on his face. “Why do you want to know?"  
  
"Fuck that, bitch. You wanted all my deep-dark secrets, and never gave me any proper blackmail material in exchange. Answer the damn question."  
  
Shepard mirrored Alenko’s shrug. “A river. Smooth and even on the surface, but a lot of power flowing underneath. And when that power breaks its banks? Look out." She grinned. “You should see him  _lift_  a Colossus. Or a Battle Master." They smiled at each other like gooey teenagers in the kinda vid Jack tried not to watch.  
  
"Holy fuck, is that how you flirt, Shepard?" Jack shook her head, unsure if she was disgusted or … something else. “Nevermind. What do I feel like?"  
  
"Lightning." Two voices answered in unison.  
  
"Powerful," Shepard continued, “and dangerous."  
  
"Unpredictable, and definitely a bit out of control," Alenko finished.  
  
"Huh. Lighting." Jack paused in thought. “That’s a good idea for new tattoo. Thanks."  
  
"You never answered my question, Jack." Shepard sounded overly patient, but she had a bit of a smile, so Jack figured she wasn’t pissed.  
  
"Oh, saw someone who walked like a cop walking through the crates. When he knew my name, figured he was after me." She shrugged. “Didn’t really feel like being arrested. Or getting shot down for a bounty."  
  
"I walk like a cop?" Alenko seemed surprised.  
  
"Might as well have law and order tattooed on your ass, loverboy."  
  
Shepard laughed. “Now that’s an idea I could have some fun with."  
  
 _Fuckin’ A, Shepard laughs? Like a girl?_  “Shit, get a room! Don’t want any details."  
  
"Now you sound like Joker." Alenko was flushed again, and Jack wondered for a moment how a hard-ass who stopped her charge in its tracks could be the same guy who blushed around his damn girlfriend.  _People are fuckin’ weird._  
  
"Me and the gimp? Don’t think so. ‘Sides, he always wants pics."  
  
"Joker knows trying that with me would be bad for his health," Shepard threatened.  
  
"Hey, don’t glare at me! Not my fault your pilot’s a perv." Jack hopped off her crate, and continued her interrupted trip to the ship. “Need some of my shit. See ya later, loverboy."  
  
"Jack!" She heard Shepard’s voice call behind her, “call him loverboy again, and Joker won’t be the only gimp we’re carting round the galaxy."  
  
Jack gestured rudely behind her without turning ‘round. “Fuckin’ love you too, Shepard!" 


	19. Reservation

**Hosting**  
  
Lani glanced up from her reservation book at the sound of the front door sliding closed, and blinked.  
  
 _Well, yummy_  she thought, before reminding herself yet again to stop drooling over the patrons.   
  
The Rose was considered the most romantic restaurant in the district, so pretty much every customer walked in with someone, either already taken or trying to be. And not by the cute little human hostess, more’s the pity. Even by her admittedly not particularly exclusive aesthetic standards, though, this specific man was just … distracting.  
  
Tall, dark and handsome, with a slight swagger that reminded her of her brother-in-law the security officer, only somehow both more subtle and 100 times more intimidating.  _Simon would be so jealous. He is not nearly that bad-ass_.   
  
His eyes managed a quick flicker to the sides that seemed to encompass all the doors and windows, and he was one of the few people she’d seen who noticed the upper level alcoves they used for music and light equipment during the really fancy events.  _Merc of some sort_ , she decided quickly,  _and a really good one_.  _Must remember to be polite_ _._  She felt a pleasant little flutter from her stomach, equal parts nerves and lust.   
  
Most of The Rose’s clientele were the business-people who hired and profited from their employees throughout the Traverse and the Terminus systems, not the actual dangerous people themselves. _Well, except for a few former asari-commandos, but they are not nearly so appealing to yours truly._  
  
Plastering on her best smile, and  _that is so much easier when they’re that nice to look at_ , Lani greeted the newcomer as he silently approached her station. “How may I help you, sir?"

"Well," the man shuffled slightly uncomfortably, and she felt the flutter in her belly grow as his lovely brown eyes caught hers. “I know it’s short notice, but is there any chance I could get a reservation for two sometime in the next few days?" His hopeful pause was brief, and she found herself paying more attention to his lifted eyebrow than his words as he continued, “our shore leave was a bit … unplanned."  
  
 _Soldier maybe, not just a merc, with that shore-leave comment. Even yummier! Wonder if he’s Alliance. He’d look really good in dress blues. Down girl._

"Actually, you’re in luck. We just had a cancellation for tomorrow evening, 9 o’clock local time. Would that work for you, sir?" _Look him in the eyes, Lani, come on, you can do it, no checking out the whole, um, package. Bad brain, you are so not getting dessert tonight if you don’t start behaving._

The slight smile that crossed his face at her words was simply adorable, and Lani felt very slightly jealous of his mystery woman.  _Or man, you never know.  Or alien, though that’d certainly be a bit of a waste for the human race._

"That would be perfect ma’am, thank you."

 _Oh, goddess, he’s even polite._   "Name, please?"

"Alenko. Alpha, Lima, Echo, November, Kilo, Oscar. 2100 tomorrow?"

"Yes, sir. We look forward to seeing you then."

"Thank you again, ma’am."

As he turned to go, Lani lost the battle with her professional side, and let her eyes flash down to properly enjoy watching him leave.  _Too bad I’m not working tomorrow night. Hope Angel appreciates the show she gets as much as I would._

* * *

**Shopping**

From her position hanging clothes on the back racks, Selene couldn’t see the customers enter, but she could certainly hear them.

"Shepard, stop fussing." A man’s voice, pleasantly husky, sounding amused. “You had your meeting with Lawson, your crew is all fine, and there is nothing for you to do for the next few days. Enjoy your vacation!"

"Enjoying my vacation would involve going back to the hotel room." The woman’s voice was clear and lovely, if slightly exasperated sounding. “With you. Not shopping."  _And that last bit just overflowed with lusty promise._  Selene tried hard not to giggle in appreciation.  _Matrons don’t giggle. Especially not at work. You’d think I was still in my 200’s._

"However much I like that idea," the unknown man’s voice had gotten low and raspy, “you were the one complaining about the uniforms. Buy yourself some clothes, woman."

"Are you sure you want me to have more clothes?"

Before the two could get out of hand and either get themselves in trouble for lewd behavior in public, or leave without a sale, Selene finished hanging the last dress and hurried to the front of the store, where the couple was standing close together, the man whispering something into the woman’s ear that inspired a smile and an elbow to his ribs.

"Knock that off, Alenko. Public. Behaving. Your idea, remember?"

"Good morning! Is there something I could help you with today?" Selene interrupted. She hoped there was. The best part of owning her own shop was getting to play dress-up with pretty people, and these two were remarkably striking: lean and strong and beautiful. The man’s skin had a hint of a green undertone, like the darkest of leaves, while the woman’s slightly duskier skin was almost golden, like a sunset. Her brown eyes were almost black, darker than his warm amber gaze, while her loose brown hair had the slightest hint of red to contrast with his tight black curls.  _All the different colors these humans come in are just so much fun._

The gentleman looked over with a slightly crooked smile. “I’m fine. Shepard, here," he nudged the lady forward with a slight push to the small of her back, “owns nothing besides her work uniforms. Not even a single pair of jeans. Or slippers." The lady’s half-hearted scowl twitched into a smile at that.

"Well, we can certainly fix that."

As the lady, Shepard, was cajoled into the dressing room with her first pile of clothes, the gentleman, Alenko?, pulled Selene aside for a moment. “May I ask you for a favor, Selene?"

 _Didn’t even notice him reading the nametag. Smooth._  “Of course, sir. It’s what I’m here for."

"I’m attempting to drag Shepard out to a fancy dinner date. If I tell her to get an evening dress, however, that would ruin the surprise, so … "

"You want me to add a little something?"

"If possible, yes. The rest of the order should be charged to her hotel room, but I’ll take care of the dress."

After checking to make sure her associate was keeping his lady-friend occupied, Selene gestured the gentleman over to the register to figure out the details.  "Anything in particular you think she’d prefer, sir?"

"She used to have one a lot like that," the man’s head tilted towards the window display, identifying an old-fashioned floor-length gown that would certainly highlight his lady’s height and smooth curves; Selene was surprised by the oddly sad expression accompanying the gesture.

Uncertain what to say in response to his look, she simply nodded in agreement with his choice. “I think I can figure out the right size for her based on her other selections, certainly. Do you know if she has any other accessories? Shoes? Jewelry? Lingerie?"

The man flushed the slightest bit at the mention of lingerie, but he shook his head emphatically and spoke without hesitation. “I was serious when I said all she had was her work uniforms. Lost everything else."

Selene’s eyes widened a bit in surprise. She had assumed he’d been exaggerating, but now gathered the sad look might be from whatever catastrophe had also taken out their clothing. “Lingerie and shoes might be a bit trickier, but I’ll get everything together for you, sir. No need to worry."

"Thank you." He finished a quick dump of payment info from his ‘tool before ducking into the dressing rooms, inspiring a slight squeak of surprise out of her assistant, followed by a bark of laughter from the lady.

"Go away, Alenko, before you give the poor little sales clerk a heart attack."

"Yes, ma’am." He sounded amused, rather than chastened, and Selene distracted herself with speculation as to why such a non-subordinate type of man might be calling her ma’am during the suspiciously long pause as they kissed good-bye.

_Considering they both move like they’re stalking prey, some sort of military or mercenary unit? Forbidden relationship with the CO? That’s so romantic … and I really am channeling my inner-Maiden today._

"Try and enjoy yourself a bit, alright?" The man’s voice cut short her musing as he came back out again, politely nodding farewell to Selene as he escaped the clothing store.

"So," the lady greeted Selene as she joined them in the dressing rooms, “do you asari enjoy watching handsome men walk away as much as us humans, or is it something else you find attractive?"

"Um." Selene blinked. She’d thought from the man’s shove to get the Shepard-lady into the store that she’d be a difficult customer, but she was grinning quite happily, and had already accumulated a small pile of clothes.

"Uh, I think it depends on the asari?" Meilana, her young clerk, offered hesitantly.

"Ah, that’s quite diplomatic." Shepard grabbed the outfit Meilana was holding out and ducked back behind the curtain of her private alcove.

"Your gentleman friend had a very nice ass, ma’am." Selene called out, hoping she’d gauged the lady’s sense of humor properly. The delighted laugh drifting over the curtain caused her to grin at her employee with relief.

"He does, doesn’t he?" Shepard came back out, having apparently stripped and re-dressed in record time. She chucked the previous outfit at Meilana with a shake of her head. “Too restrictive." Turning to Selene, she wrinkled her nose in thought for a moment. “That nice ass deserves a present. What kind of lingerie do you carry here, Selene?"

 _Hmm, didn’t notice her checking out the name tag either. In good shape, observant,_  she glanced at the clothes Shepard had picked out, clothes that provide a full range of motion …  _I think I was right. Mercs, or soldiers, possibly Alliance if they’re human. Wait … Shepard? The Spectre? The one that was apparently not-dead for the past two or three years? Holy Goddess!_

Shaking her head as a mental reminder that her customer’s business wasn’t actually any of her’s, Selene smiled happily at the dangerous lady with the pretty laugh.

"Oh, I think we have plenty of options that both of you should enjoy."  _And I’ll make sure at least some of it will fit under that dress. And if the shoes match the lingerie, I can even get you to try them on without wondering what I’m up to. I love my job._

* * *

**Waiting**

_I hate this job._  Nicholas tried to resist the urge to shift on his sore feet. He was supposed to be standing still, not drawing attention to himself, until someone buzzed for a bellhop; at which point he should appear at their room (or their elbow, if it came from the lobby or the bar) as quickly and quietly as possible. He’d hoped to get a security job when he’d applied, so he could do his homework by the monitors at midnight when things were quiet, but had ended up a bellhop instead.

_Shows what I knew. It’s never quiet. And scrawny young art students don’t get picked to watch the security feeds, just in case they actually have to respond to something._

Hearing footsteps approaching, he glanced toward the hallway leading off to the elevators, and somehow, thanks to the approaching vision, almost tripped over his own feet despite the fact he wasn’t actually trying to walk anywhere.

He recognized the patron,  _Ambassadorial Suite C, less than a week_ , even though she’d never needed help from a ‘hop or a concierge, as she’d always stalked through the lobby like she knew how to kill him with a stylus, which he’d been dismayed to discover was a bit of a turn-on, but in her new get-up it was so much worse.  _Or better. Definitely better._

It wasn’t like he knew anything about hair, or make-up, or clothes, or the sparkly things on her feet he assumed were shoes, though the heels looked rather more like lethal weapons than something it was possible to walk on, but he certainly appreciated the effect.  _I could do my entire final portfolio on that walk, and that dress._

Rich, and sleek, and slinky, with bronze and copper and red-gold highlights, she looked rather like some ancient sculpture brought to life and sent prowling through his lobby. And she still moved like she could kill him, but now she wouldn’t even need a stylus.  _And what a way to go. Totally worth it._

His eyes following her through the lobby, he saw a man, the one his friend Claire kept drooling over, stand up from where he’d obviously been waiting for the lady.  _Lucky bastard._

"Do you like my surprise, so far?" The lucky bastard offered by way of greeting, his eyes fixed on the lady, for once completely oblivious to everyone else in the rest of the lobby.

"Almost as much as I think you’ll like mine." Her smile back was simply stunning, and Nicholas felt the hidden romantic part of his soul tug a bit at his heart.  _The way they look at each other … I wonder if I could ever find something, someone, like that._

"Really?" The man offered her his arm, and they walked slowly out the lobby doors, his voice and her light laughter drifting back for just a moment. “I look forward to it, then."

Nicholas stood for a moment, simply staring at the door as it slid shut behind them, his mind wandering into a plan for a painting, before he brought himself back to reality with a jerk, and glanced around the lobby worriedly.  _Crap, hope no one wanted a ‘hop._ Sighing, he shifted just slightly on his feet. _They are having such a better night than I am._


	20. Titillation

Shepard had trouble keeping a rather predatory leer off her face every time she glanced at Alenko walking next to her. He looked damn fine in a formal suit, and he was on her arm. Or was she on his? Hard to tell. Either way, he was there to stay. Hopefully.  Frowning slightly in annoyance that she couldn’t seem to shut off her brain long enough to avoid worrying about the future and enjoy her evening, she was startled to hear his voice interrupt her thoughts.

"After you, milady." Surprised and touched by his romantic formality, Shepard let him open the door for her, and drifted happily into quite the fanciest restaurant she’d ever seen. Actual candles and decorative fireplaces, real flowers mixed with the holographic vines climbing the pillars, and what looked like a live string ensemble in a freaking minstrel’s gallery overlooking the dining room.

And a dance floor.

Not that she’d been any good at actual dancing the other night, but she had to admit Kaidan had been right, and it was highly enjoyable standing in his arms and listening to the music.

As they were ushered smoothly towards their table, she hissed out of the side of her mouth, “how did you manage to get a reservation?"

He grinned back slightly sheepishly. “Pure, unadulterated good luck. ‘Bout time we had some, wouldn’t you say?"

She laughed in surprise as the fancy waiter-guy  _what is that stupid word? Mama would be so disappointed_  pulled out her chair. “I suppose you’re right. Good luck is a nice change."

She realized about half-way through dinner that she was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong. An emergency call from EDI and the Normandy, or Anderson trying to reach Alenko, or even a sudden attack on the restaurant.  _‘Cause armed robbery’s so common on Illium._  The fact that the evening continued to be pretty damn close to perfect was, oddly, making her more tense, not less. Kaidan kept giving her odd looks whenever their conversation paused, and she hated the fact that she was perilously close to ruining this spectacular evening he’d planned for her.

Before she could wreck her own enjoyment of the crème brulee she’d ordered for desert, she needed to get her nerves in order. “‘Scuse me, a moment."

Retreating to the restrooms was a surprisingly effective distraction. Rather than a couple group rooms, separated by gender or species, The Rose had a hallway full of individual rooms, each with a variety of ‘facilities’, a few of which were exotic enough she wasn’t even sure how they worked. Not that she’d spent a lot of time considering how hanar went to the bathroom, before. Nor did she really want to know now.

Leaning over a sink that was comfortably familiar in aesthetic, she carefully splashed some cold water on her face, trying not to drip on her fancy dress. Glaring at herself in the mirror, Cara attempted to reconnect with her long-lost common sense.  _I am on an actual date. Not a party, or a hook-up, actual date. For the, what, second time since Torfan? Six, no, crap, eight years? Stop being a marine for five minutes and enjoy yourself, woman!_

The slightest of beeps from the doorway had her spinning into a defensive crouch, her biotics flaring before she could stop herself.  _Fuck, why didn’t I hide a gun somewhere in this outfit? I know I locked that door …_  “Kaidan?"

She relaxed her stance, slightly embarrassed at how her voice squeaked with relief as she recognized his face cautiously peering around the edge of the door. He caught her eyes and slipped inside quietly, the lock re-engaging as he closed the door.

"You alright, Shepard?" His eyebrow raised, his smile quirked the slightest bit, and she realized he’d seen through her nerves all night.

"I could’ve been going to the bathroom, Alenko. Ever hear of privacy?"

"Told the waiter we’d gotten an emergency call, asked him to hold dessert for a bit. We’ve got privacy." He took a few slow steps away from the door as he spoke, herding her backwards. Her eyes widened a bit at the sudden mental image of what she’d like to do to Kaidan’s tux with a little bit of privacy, and she spun around, gripping the counter and staring down into the sink.

 _There is no way he meant it like that. He did not just invite me to … well. Self-control. Manners. Didn’t I used to know what those things were? I’m out with a proper gentleman, who probably wants to talk to me, make sure I’m fine._  She heard him take the final step to stand directly behind her, his hands sliding around her hips, his breath hot against her ear as he whispered to her.

"Been out in the black too long, haven’t you? Can’t turn off the marine? Ma’am?" He leaned in even closer to drawl out the final word, and Cara didn’t try to hide her shudder of desire, her back arching as she leaned her head towards him, her eyes closing as her breath sighed out of her. The nip of his teeth against her earlobe startled her eyes open again, his dark gaze fixed on her face in the reflection in the mirror in front of them. “Not thinking now, are you?"

Cara’s lips curved up on one side as she turned around in his arms, the counter a cool line across the back of her thighs. “You know, I wasn’t. ‘Fraid it didn’t last very long though. Gonna take a bit more than that."

"Really?" Kaidan smiled softly, his hands sliding up her sides to cup her face. “I can do that." His mouth gently claimed hers, his thumbs rubbing softly across her cheeks.  _God, I love his mouth. Love his everything. Hmmm…_  her thoughts faded as she savored the feel and taste of his lips against hers. His thorough kiss eventually came to an end as he tilted his mouth slightly away from hers, resting their foreheads together.

"Well?"

Cara blinked her eyes slowly, her lips still slightly parted. “Huh?" She felt as much as she heard his soft chuckle, breath light on her face and vibrations against her chest.

"Guess that worked, then."

Her nostrils flaring in a combination of arousal and amusement, Cara pushed him back a step, her cheeks suddenly cool as his hands slipped back down to his sides. “Tease. Unless you want me to molest you in a public bathroom?"

"Hmmm," he sighed, “tempting. But a manager could override the block I put on the door, and we’ve established we’re not quick. Or quiet." Cara snorted. Kaidan could be quiet; she was the one who’d never bothered trying.

"Someday we really should attempt to master the art of the quickie. Think of all the new opportunities we’d have."

Kaidan reached out to clasp her hand, bending over to drop a kiss against her palm. He glanced up at her past his lashes, his eyes appearing even darker than usual. “But isn’t that slow build of anticipation," he moved up just enough to kiss the inside of her wrist, causing her to shiver in reaction, “completely worth it?"

"Told you you were charming," she whispered, sliding her other hand under his chin, lifting his face up to hers so she could drop a kiss of her own onto his cheek, then wrap her arms around him in a loose embrace. “Love you," she murmured into his neck.

"You love fancy desserts, too," he whispered back, “and our waiter’s probably looking for us." Cara leaned back and attempted to glare at him. She was pretty sure she was smiling, though.

"Oh, so you only love me when we’re not about to get caught making out in the bathroom?"

"Pretty much," Kaidan dead-panned, before turning and doing some mysterious tech thing to the door to get it to unlock again. He turned as it slid open, offering her his arm.

"Ooh, you’re in trouble for that one, mister." Cara grabbed his arm and swung out into the hallway with him.

"I look forward to your revenge." Kaidan bent his head to whisper into her ear, “ma’am."

She paused, savoring the tingle down her spine that his voice inspired. “You fight dirty, Alenko."

"Only with you, Shepard."


	21. Observation

Joker flicked his fingers over a few holographic keys, pulling up the video feed from the communications room and bringing the new row of chairs installed against the walls into focus. He called up a second screen showing Shepard leaning against the back railing and smiling up at Alenko, both of them in civvies for once, rather than uniform or armor, as they waited for the command crew to arrive.

Happy lovebirds.

_Boring._

In a rare moment of discretion, he opted not to turn the audio feed on until someone else arrived. Though hopefully they know better than to have a private conversation in a public room. _Scuttlebutt dances across this boat, even when I don’t help. Not that I fail to assist it very often._ He whistled softly as he waited, eyes glancing over the status reports flashing across his boards. Everything necessary for the trip to the Citadel was green, or at least not red anymore, and he was hoping Shepard’s briefing would be, well, brief, and he’d get to test the Normandy’s repaired wings shortly. They’d mostly just fixed the basic structural damage during their Illium layover, trying to balance the need to be space-worthy with the desire to get a report into the Council asap.

But Shepard had thrown a few cosmetic changes in the mix. New paint, chairs in the comm room, and a stash of fancy cotton towels and sheets for general use rather than the military surplus supplies no one had liked, combined to make the  _Normandy SR-2_  surprisingly homey.  _Not that I didn’t love ya how you were, babe_ , Joker thought as he patted the base of his console comfortingly.  _Gotta keep those military plebes happy too, though._

He finally saw movement in his first video feed, and turned the sound on just in time to catch Garrus rumbling hello to the Commanders. “I hear congratulations are in order, Vakarian," Joker called out through his comm link.

"How the hell," Shepard glared up at the camera, “did you know that, Joker? I didn’t tell anyone besides Alenko, and none of the relevant conversations happened on the ship." She flashed a quick glare at the turian. “Did you tell anyone?"

"Course not." Garrus directed his blue eyes towards the camera as well. “Pilot’s sneaky though."

"And I’m certainly not about to spoil the mystique or rat out a source." Joker made sure he tsk-ed audibly into the mic with his tongue. “Shame on you, Shepard, should know better than to ask."

"He did hear you mention a meeting with Garrus, Shepard, and then he saw the start of your conversation with Lawson." Alenko interjected calmly. “Probably just guessing, until you two confirmed it for him."

"Man, I forgot how annoyingly reasonable you are all the time Alenko. Shut up before you wreck my reputation." Joker flicked a rude gesture at the camera feed. No one else could see it, but it still made him feel better.

"And you claimed the other day that it was good to have me back." Alenko shook his head sadly. “You are a fickle, fickle, man, Joker. No wonder no one besides EDI will put up with you."

Joker noticed a slight flutter across Garrus’ face, but the resolution on his view wasn’t good enough to tell if he was amused or annoyed by their banter.

"And I thought she was the only one not turned off by his porn addiction." The turian’s jaw dropped in a grin.

_Amused. Today is apparently pick on Joker day. Glad to see everyone is finally past all the gloom and doom enough to enjoy themselves. About frickin’ time. Though ganging up on me will have to be discouraged in the future._

"Very funny, Garrus. Might want to be careful though, or your extranet viewing history could be accidentally sent to every email account on board."

"As if you could penetrate my personal space, Joker," the turian retorted.

Shepard’s laugh interrupted the almost argument. “Too much information about your relationship there, boys. How bout you save it for some private time after the meeting?" Garrus turned to Shepard in confusion as Joker snickered.

Even Alenko cracked a grin when Garrus raised a hand to cover his face in sudden embarrassment as he realized what he’d said. “Spirits … that went somewhere horrible."

"Hey!" Joker snapped with a grin, “I’m a great catch. Quit complaining."

"Oh yes, we’d be the perfect couple. I’d break you, and you’d put me into anaphylactic shock." Garrus paused as he noticed Shepard and Alenko staring at him. “What?"

"We’re all a bit disturbed that you apparently thought that all out at some point, man." Joker explained with a snort. “Got a human fetish, or is it just me?"

"I hate you all," Garrus muttered, before stalking over to a chair and sitting down, glaring equally at everyone.

"Hate you too, turian," Jack grinned as she swaggered into the room. “Glad you’re finally admitting it." She smacked him on the shoulder in passing, before perching on the back of the last chair in the row, her boots thudding against the seat. “Let’s get this talking shit over with, Shepard."

"Not a bad plan, Commander," Jacob agreed as he wandered in and picked a chair of his own. “No one on this ship is good at listening for long. Not even to you."

"I am perfectly capable of behaving like a civilized adult, Jacob," Lawson sniffed as she followed him in and settled primly into the chair next to the armory officer. “Just because the rest of you can’t stop squabbling like children doesn’t mean you should include me in the list." She turned to nod at their commanding officer in what looked weirdly like gratitude. “Nice chairs, Shepard."

"Glad you approve, Lawson," Shepard sort-of smiled, making an odd expression that Joker couldn’t interpret. She seemed amused, but he wasn’t quite sure why.  _Not like I ever figured either her or Lawson out. Women are weird._

Mordin and Chakwas entered together, the doctor nodding patiently as the scientist chattered away at his usual breakneck speed. Grunt stomped in after them, and Joker was pretty sure that if he were human, he’d be rolling his eyes in impatience.

"Battle-master," the young krogan said by way of greeting, stopping by the wall right next to the door.  _He obviously wants a quick escape handy. Is it bad that the krogan is easier to figure out than the females of my own species?_

There was a moment of general shifting, as everyone settled in to wait on Shepard. Who just leaned against the back railing, still smiling, which was freaky on a whole different level than any of the shit they’d gone through the last few months.

Commander Fucking Shepard was smiling. Again. Had just laughed. In a briefing. In front of people. _Alenko must be spectacular in the sack. And eww, why did I have to think that? That’s like picturing my sister having sex. Or my parents. Just, ew. Bad brain._

Squirming slightly with self-inflicted disgust, Joker almost missed the flicker across his screen as Chambers walked in calmly, settled down, and pulled out a datapad for taking minutes. “Good morning, everyone," the perky red-head smiled, then mercifully sat quietly. Woman never knew when to shut up.  _Yes, kettle, the pot and I are acquainted, what’s your point?_

Tali finally slid through the comm room door and into a seat. “Sorry I’m late," her voice sounded breathless even through her suit filter, “Ken and Gabby and I were just double-checking everything."

"More like quadruple checking," Joker called out, “you three were working all night, according to my readings. And here I thought I was paranoid."

"I think we’ve all got some overdeveloped paranoia, Joker," Shepard suggested calmly. “Perfectly reasonable at this point, to be honest." She nodded calmly at her assembled team. “Glad everyone could make it. For those unaware, Legion headed out back to the geth as soon as he was sure both ship and crew were going to be fine. Got the impression consensus on how to approach the Council was going to be a bit trickier than usual, so he wanted to be home to contribute to the argument. Or, geth version of arguing." She shrugged, and looked at Tali as she added, “apparently they’re considering contacting the Creators first. Might want to warn your Aunt, if you haven’t already, to try and get the Admiralty prepared."

Tali nodded slowly, but kept quiet, apparently not wanting to discuss quarian politics in the main briefing.  _Not that I can blame her. Hate politics myself. And politicians. And bureaucrats. Paper-pushers. Rude doctors. Stupid CO’s. Gung-ho jocks. Marines with more muscles than brains… should probably stop and pay attention now._

Shepard was simply going over the results of the repairs and various projects the command team had been working on during their layover, EDI’s calm voice interjecting every so often with specific facts and figures, so he mostly tuned it out, skimming his displays again impatiently.  _Getting this close to flying and then making me wait’s just mean. Mean, nasty, rotten Spectre._

"And now for the good news." Joker perked up, guessing this meant they were in the homestretch of the meeting already.  _Who knew. She did manage brief._  “EDI finished collating all the collected data from the assault on the Collectors, and we’re prepared to present it to the Council. Anyone who wants to come to the meeting can tag along, but I doubt they’ll let you say anything. You’re welcome to try though." She glanced around the room, the question clear on her face, but everyone shook their heads slightly. Or snorted loudly and stomped the floor in denial.

"Battle-masters shouldn’t have to waste their time talking," Grunt, well, grunted.

"In a perfect world, Grunt," Shepard agreed. “Unfortunately for Garrus, as the new Executive Officer of the Normandy SR-2, he doesn’t have a choice, and gets to try and play nice with the politicians with me. Aren’t you glad you accepted the job, Vakarian?" She grinned at the turian, as congratulations murmured their way across the room. Even an apparently completely heart-felt one from Lawson.

 _Suppose taking the former Cerberus lackey to the meeting wouldn’t have been a good idea anyways. Surprised the ice-queen figured that out. Bet she wasn’t so nice when she first heard._ Joker glanced curiously at Alenko, who was watching the entire room, his marine face cool and collected. His face tightened a bit as he watched Lawson’s reaction,  _huh, he doesn’t like her either_ , but it softened again when his gaze continued on towards Shepard.  _Man’s got it bad._

"Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko has accepted a lift back to the Citadel with us, and will also be joining the meeting as an Alliance representative." Joker caught a couple people hiding grins at Shepard’s purely professional rationale for Alenko’s visit. Not like anyone hadn’t noticed he’d put his gear in her cabin, or all that extra smiling.

"And that’s all I’ve got," Shepard leaned back against the railing again, ignoring her crew’s amusement. “Anyone else have anything they need to address?"

Barely waiting for anyone to respond, Joker called out, “that means the meeting’s adjourned and we can get the hell off the docks, right?"

"Yes, Joker," Shepard sighed after her glance around the room confirmed no one was trying to speak up. “Take us away. Meeting dismissed. Settle in, let me or Garrus know if you need anything."

Joker turned off the video feeds in relief, and started running his final pre-flight check, barely noticing the sounds of the comm room emptying out still coming through the audio channel.

Starting his careful maneuvering through local traffic, Joker was surprised to realize he’d left his audio feed on when Alenko’s voice interrupted the silence of what the pilot had assumed was an empty room. “Have I mentioned lately how much I enjoy your new wardrobe?"

"You’re just hoping I’ve got more surprises for you hiding under my new civilian suit," Shepard laughed. Whatever Alenko said next was too soft for the mic to pick up more than the rasp of his voice, but as it was followed by the distinctive sounds of some lip-smacking, it had apparently met with Shepard’s approval.

Joker was surprised to discover he couldn’t decide if he wanted to turn the audio feed off completely, or add the video back on to see how far they’d go before they realized they weren’t really in a private room.  _I am a bad, bad man. Maybe?_

Before his twitchy fingers could pick which button to push, he heard a soft sigh, and Shepard’s voice spoke up again. “EDI? Lock the door. And institute privacy protocols."

"Of course, Shepard. Protocols engaged." EDI’s sphere flickered to life, her voice now right behind Joker rather than drifting through his comm-link. “All external feeds have been disconnected."

"Thank you, Mom," Joker shrugged in embarrassment.  _What the hell, got caught the one time I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I have really got to stop trying to be nice. Isn’t fucking worth it._

"You are welcome, Jeff." Snorting in amusement, as no one else would’ve taken his thanks seriously, Joker dismissed the Commanders from his thoughts and began his run out of Illium space towards the relay.  _It’s good to be back._


	22. Transition

Kaidan couldn’t resist one last nibble down the back of Cara’s neck, highly pleased by the shiver he inspired. Reluctantly, he lifted his head with a sigh, and stepped back so as not to jump all over her again.  _Supposed to let her finish getting dressed._  He tilted his head just slightly, watching the play of muscles across her back as she pulled her shirt over her head, covering the truly delectable confection of ivory lace she’d already put back on. In the very brightly lit comm room. He really hadn’t been planning this particular end to the briefing. Not that he was complaining, of course, but he still felt a little bemused by the whole situation.

Seducing his commanding officer hadn’t really been a viable option on the old  _Normandy_ , not with regs, and close-quarters, and the mission to worry about. The night before Ilos had been the one notable exception.  _I knew I’d like working with Spectre Shepard, rather than for Alliance Officer Shepard. No more fraternization charges to worry about. Not that either of us were going to be sticklers at this point, but now…_

He smiled slightly, suddenly considering his chances of getting a proper tour of the ship at some point. A private one.  _Wonder how many rooms aboard can be locked on the CO’s say-so without getting in the way of whatever the crew needs to be doing …_

"Hmmm." His eyes focused back on Cara, who’d finished buttoning her jacket and was eyeing him up and down with an amused tilt of her head. “That was quite the sneaky expression, there." She took a few steps towards him, grinning as his arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her again. “What are you plotting? Is it something I’ll like?"

He kissed her by way of answer, smiling back at her when he was done.

"That good, huh?"

"Judging by your reaction a few minutes ago," he whispered, “I’d say I’m more than just ‘that good’. As are you," he finished, his mouth irresistibly drawn to the curve of her neck again.

"Mmm," she sighed contentedly and relaxed into his arms.

"I’m never moving again," he murmured.

"Sounds good." Her head settled against his shoulder and he rested his cheek against her hair, and they simply stood, wrapped around each other in the peaceful quiet of the empty room for a few precious moments.

* * *

"For hormonal species, frequency of sexual intercourse commonly increases after long-term abstinence, correct?" Alenko could feel the heat rush across his face as he clenched his jaw to avoid gaping at Dr. Solus.  _He didn’t really ask what I think he just?_  He glanced over at Cara, the tilt of her head and the lifted eyebrows indicating she’d heard the same thing he had.

"That’s generally not a topic people are comfortable discussing in public, Mordin," Shepard suggested quietly, the amused quirk of her lips apparently completely lost on the salarian.

"Unless you’re asari," Kaidan muttered, recalling both Sha’ira and Liara and their rather blatant interest in Cara.

"Interesting," the scientist blinked rapidly. “Thank you for clarification." He nodded, turning around and picking up a small box that had been sitting behind his table. “Regardless, believe initial hypothesis accurate." Taking their slightly blank stares as an affirmative, Mordin passed the box over to his commanding officer’s care. “Have care package. Prepared for you. Gels, lubricants, literature with suggested alternate positions for relieving potential soreness and irritation probable from increased activity. Most popular uses of biotics during intercourse included as well."

The only comfort Alenko felt as he lost his battle with his expression and stared slack-jawed at the doctor was the knowledge that Shepard was, for once, just as pole-axed as he was, staring silently, her mouth moving slightly as she attempted to think of anything to say.

"Um. Thank you?" She finally squeaked.

"You’re welcome." Mordin smiled broadly, nodding in apparent pleasure. Kaidan didn’t think he’d ever seen a salarian grin before. At least in Mordin’s case it seemed an honestly joyful, happy expression. If he weren’t quite so horribly embarrassed, he would probably feel compelled to smile back in reaction. “Nice to meet you Staff Commander Alenko. Timing bad. Am very busy. Can talk later?"

Next thing he knew, he and Shepard had been herded out the door, and stood standing in the CIC, staring at each other over an innocuous brown box.  _Damn. Mordin’s even better at that than the asari clerk back on Illium. How do I keep getting shoved out doors without having any say in the matter?_

"Well," Cara finally managed, eyes wide as she looked at Kaidan in shock. “That was not, quite, what I expected for your introduction to Dr. Solus. For some reason. Probably should have."

"Really?" Kaidan couldn’t decide if he was amused or horrified, but he managed to keep his voice low to avoid drawing any more attention from the crew working nearby. “You should have expected your resident mad scientist to give us advice on our love-life? Because I’m pretty sure salarians don’t generally have sex, so it seems an unlikely leap of logic to me."

"He’s very thorough in his research into, well, everything. And he likes to take care of his crew. He can sing, too?" She smiled slightly, her shrug of confusion hampered by the box clenched to her chest.

"Thank you for that mental image. Salarians, and sex, and singing. All at once."

Shepard giggled, her body finally relaxing from the tense posture the surprise conversation had inspired in her. “You know," she suggested slowly, glancing down at the box in her arms. “Since he went to so much trouble to pack this for us …"

"We really should do the polite thing and take a look?"

"Yes. Manners. We have those, right?" She flashed a grin at him.

"Well, we have finished the tour of the command deck." Kaidan’s hand settled comfortably on the small of her back as he turned towards the elevator. “I’ve met Chambers, and Taylor."

"And Solus, obviously," Cara nodded as she walked beside him. “You know, I’m glad we started with Engineering this morning, because now there’s only one floor left. A decent tour of the Loft could take a little while."

"Or quite a while. Possibly."

"Probably, even." Shepard agreed easily. “Can’t believe we didn’t do that sooner. I’ve been remiss in my duties."

"Yes. I feel horribly neglected." They both ignored the Yeoman’s mostly failed attempt to hide her amusement as she glanced up at them from her work-station.

"Commanders," she smirked.

"Chambers," Shepard nodded as they escaped into the elevator.

"The rumor mill’s going crazy, isn’t it?" Alenko murmured as the doors closed behind them.

"Always does," Shepard shrugged. “But yes, we do seem to be giving them extra ammunition." She sidestepped carefully, twisting her face to engage him in a kiss that lasted until the elevator opened on her landing.

"Ladies first," Kaidan rasped softly, and he watched her hips sway oh so slightly as she led the way into her quarters.

* * *

Kaidan woke to the sound of a soft thud, followed by a slightly louder “fuck," whispered from the floor beside the bed. He rolled over to the edge, looking down at Cara sprawled on the floor, her eyebrows creased into a scowl.

"Are you… did I … what happened? You ok?" He stuttered, only vaguely aware that he seemed to be flaring slightly blue, adding to the dim glow from the empty aquarium.

"I’m fine," she pouted. “I fell, startled awake by  _your_  biotic nightmare this time." She clambered back onto the bed, poking him in the shoulder with a finger to move him back out of her way. “And you were mad at me about my dreams. Jerk."

"Sorry," Kaidan grabbed the hand attacking him and gave it a kiss. “In my defense, I’m still breathing when I flare up."

"Yeah, and the fact that you’re probably about twenty pounds lighter than when I met you three years ago shouldn’t worry me?" She snatched her hand back, still scowling. “Because it’s so healthy for an active marine with a biotic metabolism to be under-weight."

"Um."

"Oh, that’s helpful." She poked at him again. “You used to take better care of yourself. You don’t get to yell at me for avoiding the doctor until you go too. And you’re telling me about that damn dream, or you’re sleeping on the couch." She crossed her arms over her breasts, huffing slightly in annoyance.

"Hey," Kaidan whispered softly, reaching his hand out to cup her cheek, carefully not commenting on the blue reflections glittering off the sheen in her eyes. “I’m fine. And it’s a deal. We’ll both go see Chakwas first thing after breakfast."  _No way she’ll actually agree to that after successfully avoiding talking to the doctor for so long already._

"Alright then," she muttered, crawling up towards the headboard, where they cuddled into a nest of pillows. “Now talk."

_Well, that didn’t work. But I couldn’t let her cry. Maybe she’s already plotting some fancy avoidance technique for the morning? If I’m lucky? And if she’s not… maybe I’ll have to… but she really does need to talk to the doctor … damn it._

Cara shifted in his arms, reminding him he’d probably been quiet a suspiciously long time. “Not much to say." He shushed her as she snorted indignantly. “I’m not being difficult. I really can’t remember the details. They’re just about you. Leaving. Dying. Reapers, sometimes, or Cerberus, or even a storm, or a car crash. One had a sniper. The  _Normandy_  blows up again, a lot. I always try to save you, and it never works."

He nuzzled his face against the top of her head, distracting himself from fragmentary memories with the reminder that they weren’t real.  _Just dreams._  "Usually wake up to discover I threw a chair or a lamp in my sleep. Or just a couple pillows if I’m lucky. I’m using up more biotic energy, but also wrecking my appetite." He sighed softly. “Thought they’d get better once I learned you weren’t dead, but… just more imaginative. Sometimes they’re the same, and you die. Sometimes you get kidnapped, or leave voluntarily, telling me I can’t follow." His voice dropped, so quiet he could barely hear it himself. “Or that you don’t want me to come with you."

Cara turned in his arms, grasping him in a tight embrace, her head pushed hard against his chest. “I didn’t want you to come with me," she admitted, her grip tightening even more as he she felt him try and wince away from her. “Because I couldn’t handle the thought of the Collectors getting you. They almost did, on Horizon. I panicked. If you’d been there, on the other side of the relay, I was sure I would’ve gone mad with worry." She shifted back, settling on her knees next to him, sliding her hands back into his, fingers entwined.

"You’re stronger than I am." She shook her head at him when he tried to interrupt. “You are. You survived me dying. I couldn’t have, if it’d been you. Too many people have died or broken because of me." Her eyes dropped down to their clasped hands, her voice a raspy whisper. “Dying hurt. Coming back hurt. I relive it in my dreams, my new implant flares out of control, I forget how to breathe, my heart can’t beat, I’m surrounded by the cold of space, again, and yet… that’s still better than that moment when the Collectors fled Horizon, and I was sure they had you."

She finally looked back up, her face blurred through the moisture in his eyes, her expression gaunt. “But now that you’re here, you’re back, with me, I can’t watch you walk away again. Ever. Just, try not to get shot or something, once we’re out there fighting again, alright?"

"Do my best," he mouthed, his throat too tight to force any sound through his mouth, but he saw her smile slightly, picking up the motion of his lips.

"Good enough." She squirmed around until she was lying down again, her head on his shoulder. “Now try not to shove me off the bed again, I need some actual sleep."

"Yes ma’am," he murmured softly with a contented sigh.  _Sweet dreams._


	23. Mastication

"Holy fuck!" Jack slammed her tray down on the counter, making Gardner’s serving utensils bounce and rattle. She glared up at the ceiling of the mess. “They’re worse than god-damned rabbits! Why did I ask Alenko about sensing fields? Fuck-wit."

Across the aisle at the table, Taylor let out a low chuckle as he kept eating, and even Lawson’s lips twitched as she neatly cut her steak and eggs into bite-sized pieces before she started her breakfast.

"Stop laughing, jack-ass," Jack picked up her knife and turned to aim it at Taylor. “Why doesn’t it bother you?"

"I’m not strong enough to pick up anything through the decks." Taylor shrugged. “Only know what you’re talking about because they locked the comm room after the briefing."

"What?" Tali looked back and forth between Jack and Taylor, her head pulled back in obvious surprise. “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?"

"And if so," Joker interrupted, “how do you know? Can you share?"

"Ask the cheerleader," Jack grumbled, glaring over at Lawson. “Don’t try to hide it, bitch, I saw that smirk." Lawson simply raised an eyebrow and shook her head slightly. “I can’t feel anything through the decks either, Jack. Even if I could, however, it is none of our business, and a very unprofessional topic to gossip about."

"Are there professional topics to gossip about? Cause that doesn’t sound like much fun. Or much like gossip. You sure you used the right words there?" Joker was trying, as usual, to annoy Lawson as much as possible.

Chambers, sitting next to Lawson, nudged her slightly with an elbow. “He’s right. You’re no fun ma’am. Sure you don’t want to share?"

"I do not spend my day attempting to sense other people’s flares, or speculating about my commanding officer’s love life. We have too much actual work to do." Lawson returned resolutely to her hash-browns.

"Flares? Love life?" Joker verbally poked at the former Cerberus officer again. “Really? You mean, every time, with the blue shit, you can feel it?" He aimed his grin back towards Jack. “How many times? Since we left Illium, how many?"

"Shit, gimp, I wasn’t counting!" Jack’s lip pulled up off her teeth as she backed into the counter in her attempt to lean away from Joker’s leer.

"It’s only been a couple days." Garrus spoke slowly, his mandible twitching as if he was slightly embarrassed at his inability to ignore the conversation. “You lost track already?"

"Daaamn," Joker whistled.

"I didn’t lose track, I never was tracking. But," Jack’s voice trailed off, “damn."

"Under impression that discussion of sexual activity in public considered taboo by most hormonal species besides asari?" Mordin interjected from his post on the other side of the counter where he’d been filling a thermos to take back to his lab.

"Well, in detail, yeah, but… gossip, man. Little gossip is perfectly natural." Joker nodded at the scientist.

"Requesting of detail heavily implied in your conversational gambits, Joker," Mordin blinked curiously at the pilot.

"Well, yeah, but I’m rude. And practically family. Plus, brittle bones. Shepard’s used to me being nosy, and won’t break me into little pieces if she finds out." He paused and frowned slightly. “Probably."

"You hope." Taylor shook his head slightly as he drank his coffee.

"He’s probably right." Tali folded her arms over her chest as her invisible glare zeroed in on the pilot. “She’ll plot something worse than breaking him into pieces though, and take it out on all of us. So please knock it off, Joker."

Doctor Chakwas’ chuckle could be heard as she approached from the med-bay. “What did you do this time, Joker?"

"I didn’t do anything!" Joker insisted. Chakwas raised her eyebrows at him in patent disbelief. “Really." He traced a sloppy x over his chest. “Jack started it."

"Fuck off, gimp, you’re the one who wanted details." Jack grabbed her tray and headed towards the elevator to retreat with her food down to her favorite hidey-hole in the bowels of the ship. She stopped after only a few paces however. “Shit."  Turning around, she slammed herself down into a seat at the end of the table. “Behave, kiddies, company’s coming."

"What, you can feel them in the… on the way… really? In the elevator?" Tali stuttered, glancing around nervously. The soft ‘ding’ of the elevator doors was barely audible.

The loud stomping of two sets of boots approaching from around the corner was impossible to miss.

First came their scowling commanding officer, fists clenched and boots slamming, blue light flickering softly around her. The newest member of the crew followed more slowly, only the barest hint of blue across his shoulders and knuckles signaling he was as upset as their fearless leader.

Silence spread outwards from the couple until the only sound was Jack, ignoring everyone else completely as she continued to shovel food in her mouth.

"What?" The former convict paused only briefly at the change in atmosphere. “M’hungry."

"If we could have a moment of your time, Dr. Chakwas?" Alenko’s voice sounded perfectly even. The fact that neither he nor Shepard would look at each other was missed by no one.

"Of course, Commanders." Dr. Chakwas turned smartly around, leading the way back to med-bay. The door slid shut quietly behind the upset biotics and the Chief Medical Officer, the windows turning opaque as the privacy shield slid into place.

"Well." Even Joker was momentarily lost for words, staring at the closed doorway in consternation. He recovered faster than anyone else, however. “Surprised none of the cutlery went flying as they walked through, huh?"

"Biotic aura highly unlikely to cause uncontrolled gravity manipulation." Mordin interjected. “After implantation, biotics trained to trigger abilities with muscle memory, mnemonics. Emotional flares, visually similar to combat usage, created by nodal irritation, variation in neuro-chemicals. Different physiological cause."

Joker snorted. “Sorry to break it to you, Solus, but I’ve seen the Commanders’ emotional flares break things. Both of ‘em, in fact. Shepard after Virmire, and Alenko after," he trailed off, shifting slightly in his seat.

"Before her funeral," Tali finished for him softly.

"Interesting. Will ask later. Possible with sufficiently powerful biotic potential. Requires unusually high emotional reaction." Mordin nodded thoughtfully.

"Are you sure that’s a wise line of questioning, Doctor?" Garrus asked quietly. “They’re both very private people."

Mordin’s head tilted as his large dark eyes focused on the turian. “For research, not personal gratification. Ask in lab. Promise confidentiality. Patient - doctor relationship important. Never overstepped, to my knowledge, with previous conversations. Shepard would tell if prying."

"I am not listening anymore." Tali stood up suddenly. “Their private life is none of our business, and I really don’t want Mordin starting one of his research conversations with me, ever." She paused to look at Dr. Solus. “No offense, Mordin."

"None taken. Privacy needs vary. Both individual and species. Lack of physical privacy, flotilla example, frequently counter-balanced elsewhere. Need for increased emotional privacy probable."

"And that," Tali pointed at the salarian, “is exactly what I meant. Good bye all." Turning on her heel, Tali headed for the elevator, joined at the last minute by Jack, clutching a muffin she’d grabbed off her mostly empty tray.

"What?" Jack glanced from Tali’s tilted head back out into the mess. “You’re not the only one wants to escape to engineering. Bye bitches!" Jack called back as she rounded the corner out of sight.

Accompanied by frequent glances at the med-bay door, and the occasional sigh or grumble, the rest of the crew slowly dispersed, leaving Gardner alone in the mess to finish cleaning up. He took his time, but the privacy shield never moved, and he was forced to put away his mop and continue with his daily prep work without any more information on the Commanders.


	24. Evaluation

Doctor Karin Chakwas pursed her lips as she contemplated the two Commanders in her med-bay. Neither of them was talking, so she still had no idea why they’d wanted to see her. Not that that was an unusual reaction to a visit to the doctor, and she generally had no trouble gently badgering people into confiding in her. However, she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the two biotics before her this morning, as she couldn’t quite get a handle on their moods.

"Well, no visible bruising or bleeding, so at least you don’t need any of my standard combat treatments." A slight twist of Shepard’s lips proved there was still a sense of humor hiding in there somewhere. “However, you do both need to be calm enough to not be flaring for a proper exam. Assuming that you’re here to see me as your doctor, not because there’s something else bothering you?"

"Oh, that." Shepard scowled down at her slightly blue hands. “That’s mostly nothing. I hate politicians."

"And reporters," Alenko muttered next to her.  _They’re still not looking at each other._

"Wong tried to warn us," Shepard shifted, as if she had been planning to turn towards him, but aborted the motion before she got very far.

"Barely." Alenko crossed his arms in front of his chest, holding himself in place. Unlike Shepard, his corona had faded completely, but he was still aiming his face towards the floor.

"Hmm." Chakwas sighed, glancing back and forth between her uncooperative guests.  _Time to provoke something other than muttering._  “Would one of you pretend you’re not sulking, and just spit out an explanation? Of anything? Why you’re avoiding each other, what went wrong this morning, or why you wanted to see me? I’m not picky."

"I’m not sulking!" Shepard piped up indignantly, which seemed to tickle Alenko’s sneaky sense of humor, as Chakwas detected a slight smile flit across his face. “I’m just," she shrugged. “He’s all sexy when he’s blue, and I want to stay annoyed for awhile. So I’m not looking at him." Chakwas had to turn her head, forcing a couple coughs to stop from laughing out loud.

"You’re trying to stay mad at me?" Alenko finally lifted his head to look at Shepard.

"Oh yeah, skip the whole irresistibly sexy compliment, why don’t you."

"Thank you, so are you," Alenko scowled. “Why are you trying to stay mad at me?"

"It’s your fault I’m here!" Shepard snapped.

"You’re the one who said you’d only go if I did too." A slight shrug of Alenko’s shoulders finished his sentence.

"I didn’t think you’d agree." Shepard rolled her eyes at him.

"Well I didn’t think you would either!" Alenko glared back.

"So you were stomping and flaring and obviously avoiding looking at each other, probably inspiring the entire crew to assume you tried to kill each other, or something equally melodramatic, because neither of you wanted to come see me?" Chakwas interrupted. “Should I be offended?"

Two similarly blank expressions turned and blinked at her, as the Commanders had obviously forgotten all about her while they were arguing. “Actually, the stomping was inspired by Anderson and Hackett," Shepard admitted sourly.

"Regardless of the style of their messages, threatening to hunt down and shoot the head of Fifth Fleet and the human Counselor was such a mature reaction to their concerns." Alenko was overly enunciating his words.  _That’s not a good sign._ "Great for my career too, having you send nasty notes to my superiors."

"I’m a fucking Spectre, appointed by the Council, and they had no business interfering with my personal life," Shepard spat out. “If they wanted jurisdiction they shouldn’t have blacklisted me when I was dead and couldn’t defend myself."

"I’m still Alliance, Shepard! Using my name to help you insult the brass isn’t particularly helpful. Selfish and self-righteous, maybe, but not helpful."

"Defending you from baseless accusations of fucking treason is selfish now?" Shepard’s nostrils flared as her voice dropped down to an angry hiss. “Says the bastard who believed every bad thing anyone ever said about me, apparently."

Alenko’s eyes widened and his mouth tightened as he glanced from Shepard to Chakwas and back again. “You really want to continue this here, and now, Shepard? Didn’t think you were such an exhibitionist." He slid off the table, and nodded to the doctor. “If you’ll excuse me, Doctor, we’ll have to try this visit again later." He glanced briefly at Shepard. “I’ll be in our quarters later if you’d like to finish yelling at me in private." Turning sharply, Alenko strode out of med-bay.

Chakwas stood still for a moment, glancing carefully over at Shepard out of the corner of her eyes. “Not that it’s necessarily any of my business, but I’m your friend as well as your doctor," Chakwas suggested softly. “Did you want to explain what just happened?"

Shepard gasped out a short laugh that sounded suspiciously like a smothered sob. “Beyond the fact that I have a really stupid temper?"

"Well, yes." Chakwas walked over to her desk and pulled out the new bottle of brandy that Alenko had delivered before they’d left Illium. “Not that Kaidan’s temper is any smarter, just a bit harder to provoke. Unless you’re involved." She smiled softly as she dug out glasses. “Which is really quite the compliment, if you’d care to look at it that way." She glanced over at Shepard, who was sitting with her head in her hands. “Not that I think you’re ready for that, yet. Here, drink up." She nudged a glass into Shepard’s hands, waiting until the other woman sat up and took a drink before sitting down with her own glass. “To mutually stupid tempers?"

Shepard’s chuckle was slightly more amused this time, as she lifted her glass in agreement before taking another sip.

"Tell me a story, Commander. However much of one you’d like."

"Once upon a time, there was a total bitch reporter named Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, who knew all sorts of horrible people, including someone who got footage of Kaidan and myself walking to our date on Illium. Arm in arm, fancy clothes… hard to pretend that’s professional." Shepard paused, taking a larger swallow and a deep breath before continuing. “Jilani managed to cut it with shots of the Normandy with the Cerberus logo, and me in their fucking uniform, and Alenko in dress blues with Anderson for some meeting on the Citadel, and even an old shot of him helping me off the Presidium when my shoulder was dislocated after I almost got squashed by Sovereign, along with a few other old Alliance publicity stills, and voila! Proof the newest Councilor is in league with a human-supremacy-terrorist-organization, tacitly approved by the Alliance, and the highly decorated Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko and the apparently turn-coat not-dead first-human Spectre Carina Shepard are the go-betweens. Who have a personal relationship, which would be highly improper if it dates back to their days working together on the SSV Normandy." Shepard sighed, stared into her glass for a moment, and then downed the rest of it with a few large gulps. “She obviously thinks it does."

"Well, shit," Chakwas responded after a moment of stunned silence. Shepard coughed in surprise.

"You’ve been spending too much time with Joker, Doctor Chakwas."

"Possibly. I have spent my entire life around doctors and soldiers, Commander, and neither group is known for pussyfooting with their words." She paused briefly as she took another sip. “How’d the story spin with the brass, and the rest of the news networks?"

"It hasn’t actually gone live, yet. Westerlund’s prepping for a big reveal tonight, and Wong somehow got an advance copy and sent me a warning. Since we were between buoys, I only got it this morning." Shepard sighed again.

"She sent it to Admiral Hackett and Councilor Anderson, too?"

"Not sure how they knew, but they had a lot to say about it. Both to me and Kaidan. Which we got this morning too."

"And you responded less than tactfully?" The doctor suggested delicately.

Shepard snorted. “I called them a bunch of pansies, letting a vindictive reporter push their buttons, and threatened to show them just how far a Spectre could go if they didn’t get their noses out of my personal life."

"Which would be the hunting down and shooting part?"  _This is serious. I really shouldn’t laugh. Oh, I wish I could see the admiral’s face when he reads that one._

"Oh, god," Cara put her glass down and dropped her face in her hands again. “They could still bring him up on fraternization charges from the  _Normandy SR-1_  if they want to, and I have to go and make them more mad. Why am I such an idiot?"

"Are you sure they were mad?"

"What?" Cara lifted her head to glare at Chakwas. “Of course they were!"

"Are you sure?"

"Karin, I am obviously failing to get whatever it is you’re trying to suggest. Spit it out."

"Anderson and Hackett did what they could to mitigate the Council’s and the Alliance’s desperate anti-Reaper campaigns. They trust you both, but are in an awkward position. So, I ask again, are you sure that they were mad, or were they just trying to caution you about what to expect from the rest of the brass?"

Shepard sat gaping. “Well, fuck." She managed after a moment. “When you put it like that, now I think I over-reacted even more than usual. Shit." She stared forlornly down into her glass, as if wondering where all the alcohol went.

Chakwas smothered the urge to chuckle yet again, and poured Shepard another splash of brandy. “And that’s enough for you. Even with your increased metabolism, brandy is not the healthiest of breakfasts." She put the bottle back into its cabinet, and settled down to sit again. “Now what?"

"Now what, what?" Shepard asked before gulping down her second helping. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I have to go talk to the Council, and then somehow magically convince the entire galaxy that giant monster spaceships are coming to turn us into goo. Even I do not have a bad-ass enough reputation to scare everyone into buying that one."

"Well, yes, that is a problem, but there’s nothing you can do about it until after you talk to the Council. Baby steps, Shepard. What are you going to do about Kaidan?"

"Apologize? Ask why the hell he puts up with my crazy self?"

"Then why are you still sitting here?" Chakwas raised her eyebrows in curiosity.

“‘Cause you’re still talking to me, and my mother didn’t raise me in a barn?" Cara suggested cautiously.

"Appreciated. Now shoo."

"Aye, aye, Doctor. Thanks."

"I expect you back tomorrow, for whatever it was that originally brought you here." Chakwas called out to the retreating Commander. She smiled slightly as Shepard waved in agreement before escaping out the door.

 _She’ll be back. Miracle of miracles, they both came to see me, as their doctor. Not usually their strong suit. They’re good for each other, simmering tempers and all. Plus, Shepard’s right, that blue aura is hot._  Chakwas snorted. _I am a dirty old woman. And life is certainly never going to boring with those two on-board. And who knows, we might actually all live to tell tall-tales about it._


	25. Possession

Stalking back up to their quarters had been rather satisfying. In a cold, lonely, self-righteous sort of way. Staring around the silent room and having nothing to do but sulk, however, was not appealing. Thinking about fighting with Cara was not a fun way to pass the morning. And he’d mostly missed breakfast.

_Food it is, then._

Kaidan sighed as he headed back towards the elevator.  _Why didn’t I think of that either of the last two times I went through the mess?_  The trip back down to the crew deck just gave him another few minutes to realize he’d been behaving well below his usual desired level of maturity.  _And intelligence. And self-control._

He strode over to the kitchenette and dug through the cabinets, pleasantly surprised to find a stash of muffins and some juice and milk. Actual food rather than a protein bar and stale coffee.  _This is so much nicer than messing with an Alliance autochef._  Kaidan stared down at the counter as he chewed, trying hard not to sigh yet again.  _Everything here is better than being back on an Alliance frigate. Shepard. The freedom to act. An entire crew who believe in the Reapers. No politicians. Best damn pilot spawned by human-kind …_  he snorted softly to himself.

 _But do I tell Cara any of this? No, I yell at her for losing her temper with the politics. And now she probably thinks I’d choose the Alliance over her again. Damn it._  Kaidan caught himself rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand, trying to massage out the descending headache.  _At least it’s not a migraine. Just stupidity._

Giving up on attempting any more food, his feet started walking through the ship, steps quiet as he passed working crew-members, none of them willing to meet his gaze. Though he did catch the occasional worried or curious glance that failed to be completely behind his back. His wandering path took him to the observation deck, and he sighed as the door slid shut behind him. After pausing for just a moment, he sat on the floor, leaned against a chair, and scowled out at the stars. He had nothing to do. He hadn’t had nothing to do since he was twelve.

 _Today started out so well, too._  He smiled slightly at the memory of Cara’s hand sliding across his stomach, her soft breath as she whispered good morning into his ear. Much better then the alarm on his omnitool.  _And then we had to go and screw it up. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Al-Jilani tried to screw it up, and we let her. Idiot._

He wasn’t completely sure if he was aiming that last thought at the obnoxious reporter or himself, and decided he’d just assume it applied to both of them.  _And I was trying to avoid brooding today._  Alenko shifted onto the couch to read, pulling up a book file that had been languishing on his ‘tool for almost a year.  _Might as well take advantage of the downtime, right?_

After reading the same paragraph four times, he turned off his display with another sigh.  _Well, that’s not working. Damn._  The sound of the door opening caused his head to turn, and his heart clenched at the sight of Cara’s silhouette pausing uncertainly in the opening, her face hidden in shadows as the light behind her haloed her hair around her head.

"May I," she coughed slightly, clearing her throat, “can I join you?"

"Of course," he scrambled up to his feet and waved her in, the door sliding shut behind her. She stopped a few steps away, starlight reflecting slightly off the curve of her cheek beneath the pale red gleam of her eyes. An uncomfortable silence filled the dim room as they stared awkwardly at each other.

"Um," he started, trying to figure out some sort of apology at the same time she shuffled her feet. “I just wanted …"

They both stopped at the same time. Kaidan quirked a smile as Cara ran her hand through her hair with a sigh. “We’re so eloquent, aren’t we?" He asked.

"Yeah, one of our more endearing traits?" She suggested, smiling back slightly.

"Something like that," he said as he took two steps closer, stopping when he stood right in front of her. “Sorry," he whispered.

"For what?" She blinked up at him as she whispered back. “I’m the one who raged out at everyone without thinking. I’m sorry I did the stupid in response to Anderson and Hackett."

"You are not stupid," Kaidan answered fiercely.

"Thanks." He closed his eyes as she leaned forward, savoring the feel of her soft kiss on his cheek. “Doesn’t mean I always act smart, though. Stupid temper. I am truly sorry, Kaidan, I never meant to make things harder for you, I just… "

"Tried to protect me from slanderous implications and got snapped at for your trouble?"

"Threatened to attack your superior officers and snarled at you when you suggested I should calm down before I hit send?"

"We’ll just have to agree to disagree on the details of that one." Kaidan’s hand moved forward just enough to grab onto Cara’s fingers. “How about, we both got mad at the stupid reporter and briefly took it out on each other, but have since regained our sanity?"

"Oooh, that is a much classier level of bullshit than I usually manage," Cara grinned as her fingers squeezed tightly around his hand in response to his grasp.

"Say that again." He insisted. “What, classy bullshit?" Cara’s brows tightened over her eyes in slight confusion, and Kaidan lifted his free hand to stroke his thumb up the wrinkle right above her nose.

"You are so damn adorable. But no, the first part."

"Oooh?" As her lips pursed, he leaned forward to steal a quick kiss, his hand sliding to the side to cup her cheek. A surprised hum in the back of her throat vibrated through his lips for just a moment, and then her free hand slid to the back of his head, fingers tangling and clenching in his hair as she held him tight against her, lips hard against his as she prolonged their contact.

"Damn, you’re yummy," she whispered huskily when they eventually pulled apart.

"Hmm," Kaidan murmured in agreement, nuzzling her neck until she giggled. He scooped her up in his arms and took a few hasty steps backwards until he could fall back onto the couch he’d recently vacated.

"And what do you have in mind, now, mister?" She grinned at him from where she’d landed across his chest. Sitting up with a sigh, Kaidan scooted her over until she sat next to him.

"Talking, unfortunately."

"Really? You sure?" She tilted her head to the side, a slight smile playing around her mouth. “‘Cause there were a couple things at the end of Mordin’s brochure we haven’t gotten to yet…" As she finished speaking, she swung her leg across him until she was straddling his lap, her hands clasped behind his neck, her skirt riding up her thighs.

"And it would be a shame to waste such a golden opportunity for make-up sex?" He murmured, his hands sliding up her legs and along her hips, settling her firmly against him, her eyelids flickering for a second in pleasure at the contact.

"Exactly," she agreed, her breath a warm tease across his mouth as her lips hovered above his for one long moment before they finally, softly, descended, her tongue slipping between his lips in encouragement he scarcely needed. His hands had already found their way under her shirt, his entire body instantly aching for more contact, as much as he could get, as quickly as possible.  _Will I ever lose this edge, this desperation, every second I’m with her? Do I want to? More, always more, proving she’s here, alive, mine._

The gentle tangle of tongues that had started their kiss had quickly escalated into a passionate battle between lips and tongues and teeth, the sound of Cara’s gasping breaths driving him beyond any slight restraint he might have considered. A low growl grew deep in his throat, all conscious thought fleeing in favor of losing himself in the sensation of his Cara, her skin smooth under his hands, her hands hot against his skin in return. _All mine._

***

"So… talking take two? Or three, or five? I’ve lost track." Cara stretched slightly where she was tucked between Kaidan and the back of the couch.

"Hmm-mmm," Kaidan mumbled in vague agreement, his arms wrapping around her again once she stopped squirming.

"Was there a word in there somewhere?"

"No." He squeezed slightly, arms warm across her back and sides. “Sorry. We need to try to see Chakwas again, don’t we?"

"She’s expecting us tomorrow. I’m sure she’ll hunt us down if we attempt to avoid her again. After breakfast?" She shifted onto his shoulder, looking up at him through her eyelashes. “Pancakes?"

"Breakfast in bed?" He grinned as she giggled. “Sounds like a plan. We hit the Citadel tomorrow afternoon. Got a plan for that too, Shepard?"

"Not nearly as much of one as I’d like. Aren’t you the one who’s good at planning?"

"Is that what I was supposed to be doing? I was wondering." His teasing tone faded a little, and she felt him shrug slightly beneath her. “Feeling a little at loose ends on your big fancy ship."

 _Holy crap, did I just grab a workaholic, shove him on my ship, and not give him anything to do? Aren’t I usually smarter than that?_  “Yes, that’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Be my brains for me, pretty please?"

Kaidan snorted when she batted her eyelashes at him. “You’re plenty smart for both of us, Cara. And I’m sure you’ve actually got a plan. Spit it out."

"After apologizing to Anderson and Hackett and hoping they don’t bring you up on charges? Attempt to be scary enough that pretending the Reapers don’t exist is worse than letting me do my job. With EDI-designed visual aids for emphasis. Repeat as necessary to both the Alliance and the Council until they cave."

"And if they try to talk terms in exchange for their cooperation? I’m sure the Alliance would like this ship, and your people, back under their purview again."

"Never gonna happen. They had their chance to keep our loyalty when I died, and they let the Council scare them into playing ostrich instead." She tensed, waiting for his argument.  _Alliance to the bone, after all._

Instead, he just nodded thoughtfully, and she felt slightly light-headed in surprise, settling her head back on his shoulder as he continued. “They’re probably going to try and offer you a commission again. They might not want to take no for an answer."

"Then we’re back to me threatening violence," she replied promptly, staring past his opposite shoulder and out the window into space. “The brass usually stops fussing when I do, if only to avoid me doing it again in public. They like keeping the Butcher behind closed doors as much as possible."  _Lousy political cowards._  They claimed they were proud of her in secret, but were determined to stay as far away from her as possible in public.

Kaidan dropped a soft kiss on the top of her head, soothing the bitter note coloring her voice and thoughts. “And if any of that doesn’t work?"

 _Like they try to bring you up on charges, doesn’t work? Or keep ignoring the Reapers doesn’t work?_  “Hmm. Am hoping the ‘repeat as necessary’ part will eventually have an effect. Otherwise… was actually reconsidering taking Jack’s advice. Kidnap you, go pirate, and never tell Anderson where you are so the Alliance can’t have you back. At least until after the galaxy isn’t destroyed by space monster ships."

The nature of the quiet coming from above her head changed, but before she could figure it out, Kaidan’s voice whispered through her hair. “If that’s what you want, all you have to do is ask. No kidnapping required."

"What?" Cara felt a quiver she didn’t care to analyze upset her peaceful equilibrium, and she squirmed back up on her elbows to stare at Kaidan in shock. “Really? You’d – but, you’re an Alliance, being an officer is, and… on Horizon you – " At the mention of Horizon Kaidan winced, and lifted his arm to place a finger on her lips.

"Shhh. I was an idiot on Horizon, and not completely sure you were really you, and certainly convinced Cerberus was the devil and the Alliance was at least trying to be on the side of the angels. I’d love to redo that entire conversation. I mean, based on what I knew, I don’t know what I could’ve done differently, but I certainly shouldn’t have yelled at you before I figured some if it out."

She barely noticed his slight sigh as he paused, too overwhelmed with her own confusion.  _And hope?_  “I am disappointed in the Alliance, Cara, and while Cerberus is unquestionably the bad-guys, they were also the only help you had in a lousy situation. If my leaving the Alliance would help you in any way, I’d do it in a heartbeat. My staying, however, might offer you aid or connections for the future, so I’d certainly like to try. I’d rather not burn any bridges unless there’s no choice."

"Always gotta have a way out?" Cara responded slightly shakily.

"Or three." Kaidan smiled back. “Except for you. I don’t want anything that takes me away from you again. Not even the Alliance. If it comes to that, I’m staying here. If you’ll still … "

Cara snaked her arms under his chest and hugged so tight she thought she heard his ribs creak between her arms. “Moron."

He laughed shakily as he got his breath back. “I’ll take that as a yes, then."

"Always," she mouthed, fighting a sudden urge to sniffle like a girl yet again. “I will always want you here with me."  _Mine. All mine. Never letting you go again, if I can help it._


	26. Destination

It was very odd, flying into the Alliance dock at the Citadel again. Not bad odd, just odd odd. Joker had been enjoying intimidating civilian traffic, with the added bonus of being able to swerve wherever the hell he wanted without any reaction beyond the occasional squeak from air-traffic-control, and now he was mostly even voluntarily back in straight, military lines.

Of course, now he’d hit the hurry up and wait part of military life, as the Alliance hadn’t cleared room for them yet, so they got to sit in a holding pattern. Which was boring. Which made his mind wander. Only, he still didn’t know anything about the Council and Alliance meetings Shepard was headed to,  _probably ‘cause she doesn’t either_ , and wondering if they were gonna end up on someone’s most wanted list thanks to their unfortunate association with Timmy-boy wasn’t really a happy way to distract his brain.

The alternative, of course, was speculating about Shepard and Alenko, but he didn’t actually know anything about them either. The commanders had apparently patched up their squabble rather quickly yesterday, which was nice and all, but no one seemed to know what had started it all in the first place, and the curiosity was trying to itch its way through his skull and drive him stark-raving-bonkers.

Betting across the ship had a majority percentage assuming the fight had something to do with the upcoming meetings. The next most popular guess involved something to do with Al-Jilani’s broadcast, now that they’d all seen it and boo-ed and thrown popcorn at the holo-screen after linking with the network in the Serpent Nebula.

And he couldn’t even harass the pair to try and figure it out, cause they’d spent all morning in med-bay with Chakwas.  _Doc even made me reschedule our standing weekly appointment. Hope they’re both alright._

 _Like either of them could be taken down by a cold or something, after surviving Saren, and the_ Normandy SR-1 _going down, and Horizon, and Timmy-boy’s meddling ways._

He wasn’t the only one stuck wondering. The third most popular bet, though it was getting ready to inch the first two out for top spot, and probably would if the dynamic duo stayed sequestered behind closed shutters much longer, was the idea that the flaring biotic argument had to do with whatever had inspired the lock-down in the med-bay.

There was also a small but vocal minority who thought someone had proposed (high odds were in Alenko’s favor) and the other someone had answered in the negative. (Said group claimed someone had changed his or her mind and given a yes later, and that was how they’d made up so quickly.) Joker personally figured that was crap, cause Alenko was methodical enough he wouldn’t propose without a plan, and a ring, and a romantic date. Which there was no way he’d had time to prepare, considering how fast he’d made it to Illium after they docked.

And if Shepard had proposed, Alenko would have said yes the first time.  _Duh. Not that it’s very likely Shepard would say no, either, but she might think she ought to, what with having to fight the Reapers and shit before settling down._

He was pretty damn sure the flaring biotic showdown had been inspired by Al-Jilani, since he could vividly recall a conversation after their first visit to the Citadel with the  _Normandy SR-2_  in which Shepard had punched the bulkhead in lieu of the bitch after getting surprised by the reporter on the wards.

He was, however,  _unfortunately_ , refraining from betting, as he was damn sure the commanders would never enlighten the crew, and Chakwas was unlikely to sympathize with their frustration and spill anything she knew, so all those credits and favors were destined to languish on Gardner’s books, un-won for the rest of time.  _Such a waste…_

 _And damn I’m bored. Speculating about a betting pool I’m not even in. That’s a new low, even for me._  Blowing a breath out past his lips as he leaned back in his chair, Joker stared up at the ceiling, trying to think of something else to pass the time.

Something short of diving into the super-fast-extranet-connection they had courtesy of the Citadel, ‘cause that might distract him from the commanders’ exit from med-bay, or make him miss some crazy inspired by the apprehensive crew as they waited for the meeting and its aftermath.  _Bored, bored, bored…_

His comm finally chimed with an alert from Alliance Control, and he sat up to wend his merry way off to their assigned docking station. Of course that was also the moment the security feed in the mess lit up, showing the shutters over med-bay lifting, and the door sliding open to permit the exit of two armored figures.

It only took a few minutes for the commanders to show up in the cockpit, watching him fly into dock. “So, either of you about to keel over from some mysterious space disease? I need some heads up, ‘cause I refuse to go to either of your funerals sober."

Shepard’s throaty chuckle echoed behind him, followed by a gentle punch to his shoulder. “Aw, that was sweet Joker. Love you too."

"Ew, why’d you get all touchy-feely? I just hate getting in formal clothes, and spending time grounded, and being away from my chair." He patted the leather armrest under his hand affectionately.

"And there’s the Joker we’ve come to expect over the years," Alenko sighed, the smile audible in his voice. “Nice to know you never change."

"No need to change if you’re already perfect."

"Perfection is a statistical impossibility," EDI interrupted, her blue glow filling the edges of the cockpit.

"Man, EDI, you are such a killjoy," Joker groused good-naturedly. “I am as close to perfect as anyone needs to be. Minus a few glaring errors you all kindly refrain from commenting on," he muttered, shooting a sideways glance at Shepard accompanied by an awkward shrug.

Shepard leaned down next to her pilot to whisper right in his ear. “Told you we loved you, Joker. And we both forgave you a long time ago." She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek, ignoring his fidgets as he reached up to adjust his hat after she stood back up. “And no, we’re neither of us in imminent danger of death. Chakwas is setting up a sleep study and a meal plan and a few other things that are none of your business, but she’s pretty sure we’ll both be fine. Promise."

"Doc’s a miracle worker, huh?"

"That she is, Joker," Alenko agreed.

"So, any news on how long all your meetings are gonna be?" Joker asked as the Normandy slid quietly to a halt, docking clamps settling with a series of quiet thuds.

"You’ve seen more BS in your life to expect either the Council or the Alliance to be that forthcoming, Joker." Shepard sighed. “As have we all, in fact."

"He does know better," Alenko nodded n agreement. “Why’d you ask, Joker? Got a hot date or something?"

"Or something."

"Really?" Alenko raised one eyebrow, trying to pull more information out of the other man.

"What?" Joker drew the word out in mock dismay. “I do have a life too. Occasionally. Sorta."

"Thought you didn’t want to leave your nice leather chair there?" Shepard asked curiously.

"I do sometimes have to take a piss, you know."

Shepard smacked him lightly on the side of the head. “You suck at changing the subject. What’s up, pilot-man?"

"Ow. My commanding officer’s trying to give me a concussion."

"Ha. Ha." Shepard crossed her arms across her chest and glared at Joker. “Spit it out."

"No spitting aboard ship. Messy."

"Jack-ass."

"Hey, you already said you loved me. And forgave me. Can’t take it back."

Alenko snorted softly. “Give it up, Cara. He can keep it up forever, without letting a bit of what he doesn’t want to talk about slip. I spent three days trying to get him to tell me why he never left his chair when we first met. Nothing."

"But he started it!" Shepard retorted. “Sort-of having something and then stopping … "

"And what are you, Shepard, five? That argument never works." Alenko grinned at her.

"Life ain’t fair, Shepard," Joker agreed with a nod. “You’ll just have to suffer in ignorance."

"Well, now you’re just being difficult for the fun of it." Shepard’s scowl wasn’t very convincing, her eyes crinkling at the edges as she tried not to smile.

“‘Course. One of my many hobbies. Now go yell at that obnoxious turian councilor for us, k? Just don’t shoot him unless you have to. And no one’s looking."

"Yessir." Shepard gave up with a sigh. “We’ll be leaving as soon as…" her voice trailed off as footsteps echoed up the CIC, and they all turned to watch the turian approach. “Ready to go, Garrus?"

"Ready as I’ll ever be," Garrus fidgeted slightly, pulling at the edges of his new smooth armor as if he couldn’t get it settled properly across his cowl. “I’m perhaps even worse with the politicians than you are, Shepard. Are we sure this is a good idea?"

"What, having you as my Executive Officer? Yes. It’s a spectacular idea. Dealing with the Council? No, but we don’t have much choice. Any other ideas you’re second guessing?"

Garrus paused, his mandibles tight as if he was considering her teasing question very seriously. “Are you sure you don’t want to wear your N7 armor? You earned that stripe, and it might be a good idea to remind them where you came from."

"No." Shepard’s voice was suddenly cold and hard. “I am not letting them think for one goddamned minute that I’d consider rejoining the Alliance, or give them a chance to get their bureaucratic fingers all over my ship."

"Alenko’s fingers all over you probably already gave them that idea." Joker muttered softly. “What?" He continued as everyone turned to glare at him. “It did. Not like it’s a secret they can pretend to ignore, either, thanks to Al-Jilani."

"Damn reporter. Shoulda punched her when I had the chance," Shepard’s scowl was heart-felt this time.

"Suspected terrorist punching an unarmed civilian, no matter how much she deserves it, would play right into her hands, Shepard," Alenko pointed out soothingly.

"I’m quite impressed by the level of restraint you’ve managed to show around her."

"Thanks for making me sound like a crazy person who goes around hitting people for fun all the time…" Shepard paused for a minute. “Well, yeah, guess I am. Why do you all put up with me?"

“‘Cause you’d add us to the punching bag list if we didn’t?" Joker suggested with a shrug.

"You’re discriminating in your targets," Garrus countered with a slight smirk twitching across his face. “Since you only  _charge_  the people who really deserve it, it’s worth putting up with the temper."

"Very funny boys." Shepard shot a sideways glance at Alenko. “Not joining in the pick on Shepard moment?"

"Nah. You already know why I put up with you." Alenko’s voice had done that raspy octave drop thing that always made Shepard smile, and Joker had to roll his eyes in reaction.

"None of that. You have a meeting to go to. Shoo. All of you. Off my ship."

"Aye aye," Shepard answered dryly, shooting him a salute that looked about to fall into another gesture entirely. Her boots clanked as she led her officers towards the airlock.

"Don’t wait up, Joker!" She called back as she left. Joker watched the monitors, waiting until they’d cleared the elevator off the dock before turning to his external comm, punching in a quick code he’d long since memorized.

_They’re on their way, sir. Good luck._

He cut the connection and cleared the log so no one besides EDI would notice the short message. _Nothing else to do but wait. Again._  After a quick scan through the security feeds showed the crew settled down to wait relatively peacefully, he set up an extranet link on his main monitor.  _Let’s see what I can find to pass the time today …_


	27. Salutation

"Yo, bitch."

"What’s up, Jack?" Shepard turned towards the familiar voice coming out of the shadows above the cargo pallet next to the elevator.

"Just wondering if you wanted me to make some trouble in an hour or so? Give you a reason to walk out on the politicians before you  _throw_  someone?"

Shepard blinked slightly at the vague form she could barely see leaning towards her. “Uh. That’s actually rather sweet, coming from you, but we should probably be trying to convince the Council we’re not raging lunatics."

"I can make a non-psychotic distraction." The shadow shrugged eloquently. “Not as much fun, but it’s possible."

A slight shuffle from Shepard’s left, and a smothered cough to her right, suggested Vakarian and Alenko were having trouble hiding their amusement at that answer.  _Which is eerily close to one I might make. We are apparently both crazy bitches._

Shepard grinned as Jack jumped down from her perch on top of the crates, landing with a thud on the deck-plate. “Let’s try playing nice first, alright?"

"Huh." Jack shrugged. “Gimp told me you wouldn’t like my suggestion. Can’t blame a girl for trying." She waved negligently as she turned away. “Good luck!"

_Joker and Jack? Discussing acceptable levels of crazy? That just… broke something in my brain._

"Huh." Shepard turned toward Alenko as he spoke up with a similarly pole-axed expression on his face. “I can’t decide if Joker suggesting caution is soothing or disturbing."

"Disturbing." Garrus’ suggested slowly, before a grin flared across his face. “At some point she’ll see footage of his Sovereign charge at the Battle of the Citadel and attempt to out maneuver him. It’ll probably be fatal. For someone."

"Everyone in a five K radius?" Cara suggested, raising her eyebrows in amusement.

"Quite possibly," Kaidan agreed with a whisper-light smile, taking a step forward to punch the button and call the elevator. “But we have other things to worry about right now. Since they did just both agree to try and behave."

"I didn’t, actually, make Joker promise to behave," Cara pointed out as she leaned back on her heels to wait.

"He wouldn’t risk his ship?" Garrus countered.

_Though he doesn’t sound particularly sure of that. Obviously Joker won’t risk his ship, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t think up something outrageous that doesn’t impact said ship._

"You agreed to be XO, mister," Cara narrowed her eyes as she glared at him accusingly. “You will be in just about as much trouble as I am if our crew goes too crazy."

"No one will blow anything up today." Kaidan soothed, as he ushered them both past the opening elevator doors. “Even your crew of crazies will be on their best behavior today."

"So I just have to worry about tomorrow?" Cara quirked a half-grin in Alenko’s direction as the doors slid closed.

"Exactly." He nodded slightly as he selected their destination. “But let’s get through today first?"

Cara smiled softly, barely resisting the urge to lean forward and kiss him. “Ah, the voice of reason. Nice to hear that again."

"What, I can be reasonable." Garrus huffed beside her.

"Yes. Archangel. Wanted by every merc on Omega. Reasonable is the first word that comes to mind."

Garrus shrugged slightly in amused agreement. “You asked me to be XO, Shepard. As I doubt it was just because of my charm and stylish fashion sense, you must approve of my version of reasonable."

"I approve of your ability to shoot things at 100 yards. And your inability to stop chasing bad-guys." Cara shrugged back. “Neither of us are good at reasonable."

"You both have your moments." Alenko interrupted softly. “Not very often, though," he admitted when they turned to look at him. Cara snickered softly as the elevator slowed, finally having worked its way across the corner of the Ward arm, opening on the wide-open spaces of the Presidium.

As she stalked out and looked around, Shepard realized the Presidium looked better than she’d remembered.  _Or perhaps I’m just in a more forgiving frame of mind this time._  She tried not to let the urge to grin, or possibly even go skipping down the hallway, interfere with her serious-Spectre face.

_Amazing what getting spectacularly laid on a regular basis does for one’s mood._

Vakarian and Alenko followed her silently out of the elevator, the quiet of the wide-open Presidium seeming to sink through the group, each apparently occupied with his own thoughts. _I suppose they could be nervous about dealing with the Alliance and the Council. I can’t believe they’re letting me do the talking. It’s not like I know what I’m doing. I really need a plan for these meetings someday. I am a serious, professional, competent Spectre. Not a student getting dragged to the Principal’s offices. I can do this. Just talking._

_Talking worked so well last time._

_Maybe grinning and skipping into Anderson’s office would surprise him enough I’d finally get a straight answer out of him, rather than vaguely worded regrets and political mumbo-jumbo?_

Twisting her head slightly to stretch out her neck, Shepard forced herself to stop wondering about the Councilor, and focus on the job.  _Present evidence. Get help. Save the Galaxy. Hope the saving-thing sticks a bit better this time. Permanent-like. So I can retire. Stop having to save everyone._

 _‘Cause I’m not very good at it. Keep getting people killed on the way._  Cara sighed as they finally approached the embassies.  _Why do I have the focus of a five-year-old today? One that’s possibly had too much sugar, even? Stop avoiding the damn job, self, and go talk to the politicians._

_I hate politicians._

_But I like Anderson. Or I liked Captain Anderson, anyways. Should give Councilor Anderson the benefit of the doubt. Stop clumping him in with Udina and the rest of the Council. Right? Right._

Shepard smothered one last sigh, and stalked up the last set of stairs before Anderson’s offices. Apparently all three of them had pulled out the serious game face, as the administrative aide practically squeaked out an apology when they strode through the doorway. “The Councilor had an urgent call a moment ago. Sorry for the inconvenience, but if you could please take a seat? For just a few minutes?"

"Of course, Lieutenant." Shepard figured the ominous note to the creak of three sets of armor sitting down was mostly just her over-active imagination.  _Probably shouldn’t twiddle my thumbs and whistle. Or compare sights with Garrus. Guns out make people nervous._

_Probably shouldn’t jump Kaidan either. Not professional. Damn, I suck at waiting._

Vakarian and Alenko had flanked her, even sitting down, and she felt almost simultaneous nudges against her side in reaction to her slight fidgeting.  _And my team is perfectly well aware I suck at waiting, and do not trust my ability to behave. I’d be insulted if they didn’t have a point._

_My team. Vakarian and Alenko. Crap. I am grinning. Get Wrex off Tuchanka for a bit, and it’ll almost be old home week. If T’Soni ever actually talks to me again, rather than sifting through her data all the time._

_Being dead for two years sucks._

_And there went the grin._

_Poor aide’s gonna think I’m manic or something. Should I just give it up as a lost cause and start talking to myself too?_

_No. Bad Shepard. Might scare the LT over there into calling for the white coats._

_Hmmm._

_Vacation in a mental asylum might be nice. Except, I’m sure they’d put Kaidan in a different cell. That’s no good. Damn._

"The councilor can see you now, Spectre. Ma’am. Sirs." The creak of three sets of armor standing almost echoed through the quiet office, the aide wincing slightly as he opened the far door and waved them through.

Shepard, Alenko, and Vakarian came to a halt as the door closed behind them. “Admiral," Shepard managed after a moment’s silence. “Didn’t expect to see you here, sir."

She didn’t get an answer. Shepard’s gaze flicked from Hackett to Anderson and back again, hoping one of her former mentors would start explaining the reason for the uneasy stand-off developing amongst the five of them in Anderson’s office.

"I believe," Shepard managed before the silence grew too much more uncomfortable, “I owe you both an apology. I realize I reacted in an overly hasty manner to your earlier attempt at communication."  _Damn. That sounded pretty good. And here I was all annoyed at Anderson for the bureaucratic speak. Guess I learned even more from him than I thought._

Hackett waved her apology off. “No need Co – Spectre. No one appreciates it when the press decides our personal lives are fair game."

"Thank you, sir." Shepard nodded, before settling back into a parade rest without really thinking about it, waiting to see what was really going on with this meeting.

She had just intended to give Anderson advance copies of the intel she’d been hoping to present to the Council, for him to pass along to the Alliance as a carefully distant goodwill gesture of some sort, but had a feeling the former Captain and the current Admiral were about to wreck that plan.

_No plan survives first contact with the enemy? Not that they’re enemies. I hope._

"To begin with," Anderson spoke up, standing abruptly so as to look her evenly in the eye. “I wanted to tell you, first,"  _to make up for not telling me anything last time?_  “that I’m going to be resigning my Council seat. Which means, next time you’re here, I’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with Udina."

"Sir?" Alenko found his voice before she’d managed anything more than a wide-eyed stare.

"Not that I don’t appreciate the faith you showed in me when you recommended me for the job, Shepard." Anderson’s mouth twisted in the slightest of smiles. “We give our worst jobs to our closest friends, have you noticed?" The former Captain shrugged tightly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t offer the same in you when you came to see me. I couldn’t take the chance you weren’t really you, anymore. You had been very dead, after all."

Meeting his eyes, Shepard felt the knot in her gut relax, all her leftover anger simply disappearing. Before her, she saw the man who’d gotten her into N training, and onto the  _Normandy_. Who’d accepted what, for either of them, had to be the worse possible job in the galaxy, simply because she’d asked it of him. That said job had driven a wedge between them only highlighted his courage in taking on the damn thing in the first place.

"Yeah, I try not to think about that part. Dying? Not recommended." Anderson’s shoulders relaxed slightly in reaction to her quip. “I’ll try not to follow in your footsteps, then."

"That would involve some odd spirally maneuvers, considering how often I was trying to follow in yours. Sir."

"Thank you, Shepard." Anderson’s quiet voice filled the room for a moment, before Hackett noisily cleared his throat.

"We received a high-priority comm-call just a few moments ago, which I suggest you take before we continue with our meeting." He nodded brusquely towards a door in the opposite side of the office. “You can use the private comm room."

Shepard stood up slowly, her head cocked as she bit her tongue to stop herself from asking questions the admiral was obviously not going to answer.  _Yet, at least_.

Hackett stood at the same time. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to borrow my officer for a moment." He glared at Alenko until the Staff Commander stood, and marched them both out of the room without a backward glance.

Shooting one slightly bemused glance at Garrus, Shepard shrugged slightly, and exited to the comm room.  _Not like anyone has ever, to my knowledge, successfully kept up with The Admiral, after all. No reason to think I’d be the first._

 _Only, I prefer not being quite this confused. The Universe making sense, just once, would be a nice change._  Coming to a sudden stop in the closet of a comm room, Shepard almost got hit by a door closing behind her for the second time in about five minutes.

"Liara? Why are you calling the Councilor? And not the  _Normandy?_  Or… um. Hi?" Liara’s soft giggle was half sigh, but the gentle amusement seemed genuine.  _And seems to have relaxed those shoulders a little. Poor T’Soni’s kind of a mess. Needs a vacation._

"Sorry, Shepard. Joker sent me a flag that EDI’s not done scrubbing all the Cerberus trackers from the Normandy’s communications systems."  _Joker did what now? You and my pilot are chatting, or something? That’s a little… disconcerting. Before or after he talked to Jack? He’s practically an information broker himself now, what with all the gossip. And eavesdropping. And hacking. Huh._

"Shepard?" Liara’s voice interrupted Shepard’s wandering thoughts, and she glanced back at the hologram, Liara’s worry clear even translated through the orange image.

"Right, sorry Liara. You didn’t want Cerberus to know you were talking to me. Why didn’t you just ask me whatever this is in person on Illium?"

"I wasn’t sure until after you left, to be honest. Plus, I thought some external distractions might make dealing with the politicians a bit easier for you?" Shepard snorted in unavoidable agreement with that one.

_Again for the second time in one day. Does my entire team think I’m going to smack the Councilors around or something?_

"I don’t think I’m in danger of any unexpected violence. Everyone keeps interrupting me for some reason." Shepard grinned slightly as T’soni shrugged. “What do you need, Liara?"

"One of my tracking programs was triggered. The information disappeared before I got access to it, but I think it got picked up by one of your Operator Lawson’s contacts. I’m hoping she’ll have something for you soon. And that you’ll pass it along to me. I think it’s about the Shadow Broker."

Shepard frowned in thought for a moment. “That’s a little vague for a high-priority comm-call to the Councilor, Liara. I mean, of course I’ll try to help you out if and when Lawson gets some intel, just… are you sure that’s it?"

"I, regret, not saying good-bye properly before you left. It’s just… difficult."  _Poor girl’s still as socially inept as ever, just scary about it rather than awkward. Probably shouldn’t laugh in sympathy. Might go over wrong._

"I’m not so good at the personal relationships either, Liara. Or manners. Life is difficult."  _Dying is difficult. Coming back again is fucking impossible._

"I’m sorry." Liara’s voice was whisper soft.

"For what?"  _Reading my mind now?_

"Everything?" The asari shrugged slightly again. “Cerberus, Horizon, your relationship with the Alliance. I tried to save you, and made things worse. I didn’t know what else to do, though, with the visions… the nightmares."

"Nightmares suck."  _They don’t ever get better, either. So unfair._  “And the Alliance chose to dump me all on their lonesome. Politically expedient, after all."

"And that right there, is why Joker recruited people to interrupt you before you hit someone. They perhaps earned it?"

"People? Joker recruited?" Shepard blinked at the hologram before her. “How many more of these well-timed interruptions am I likely to get?"

"Depends on how long the admiral and the councilor try to talk to you, I think. Joker seldom explains himself to me, though." Liara’s wide eyes looked odd orange, instead of blue, but Shepard was finally getting used to reading the flickering expression. She looked amused, now.

"Joker explains himself to no one." Shepard snorted. “He likes being the only one in the room who knows what the hell is going on."

"Information is power." The amusement was gone, the edge that the former-archaeologist had developed while Shepard was dead suddenly overpowering her voice again. “And power corrupts."

Shepard’s hand reached out practically of its own volition, as if she could pat the shoulder of a hologram, offer comfort through ghostly touch. “Be careful, Liara."

"Of course, Shepard." Liara’s small smile was sad, as she knew neither of them could really afford care. “You too. No hitting the politicians."

"Yes ma’am." Shepard’s answering smile was equally sad, as she reached out to shut down the call. “I’ll let you know what Miranda finds out, promise."

"Thank you Shepard. Goddess bless." Shepard stood in silence for a moment after the image disappeared.  _Don’t think any God or Goddess has much to do with me anymore. Damn dying in the black._


	28. Admiration

Alenko barely restrained himself from glancing back to keep an eye on Shepard as Admiral Hackett encouraged him to march out of the room.  _She has successfully dealt with politicians for years. She can handle one more meeting without me hovering by her side._

_I do really like the view from her six, however._

Slightly amused by his wayward train of thought, Alenko forced himself to pay attention as Hackett waved him into a different conference room somewhere in the bowels of the office building.

"Sit, sit, as you were, all that." The admiral seemed to be his usual brusque, informal self, settling into a chair and glowering under grey brows until his officer did the same. “I need you to talk Shepard out of presenting to the Council, Commander."

"You need me to what?" Alenko had barely settled into his chair before the admiral spoke, and fond himself shifting uncomfortably, hands flat against the table as he braced in preparation of… something. “Why?"

"Because I’m trying to get the damn Alliance off its collective ass to back her up," Hackett practically barked. “And if she gives the Council a chance to publicly turn her down before I do, all my work will go flying out the airlock."

"And if they don’t turn her down?" Alenko asked cautiously, his head tilting slightly as he spoke, still trying to interpret the admiral’s expression.

"Then the politicians will declare she’s not one of theirs anymore, after all, and already has help from the damn aliens, and still refuse to back her up."

Alenko nodded slowly, finally recognizing the crease between the admiral’s brows as sheer exhaustion. “Is there a reason you’re telling me this, rather than her?"

"I’m not supposed to share the inner workings of the Alliance with foreign agents, Alenko. You, however, will have no choice but to advise your Commanding Officer on the realities before her." He smiled grimly as the staff commander blinked slightly in reaction. “Oh, did I forget that part? You’re officially assigned to the  _Normandy_. The politicians want you to keep tabs on the Spectre for them, and the rest of us want you to help her out. Keep your reports as vague as possible so I can keep the idiots happy, alright?"

"Yes. Of course. Sir."

"And definitely don’t file them from the console in your quarters." Hackett’s eyebrows lifted slightly in what, in anyone else, Alenko would’ve judged amusement. “Someone will figure out it’s also Shepard’s quarters pretty damn quickly, and I’d rather put off that conversation as long as possible."

"Ah." Alenko swallowed slightly.  _I… but… wait._  “Isn’t that a bit like locking the barn door after the horses are gone? Sir? I mean, Al-Jilani’s broadcast has already aired, after all…"

"Ha! Picking up the farm-girl’s metaphors are you? That’s cute."

Alenko gaped for just a moment before he managed to make his voice work.  _Did Hackett just call us cute?_  “Uh. Actually, that one’s pretty popular in the whole family. Mom’s parents were farmers. Cousins are still in agriculture."  _I never had impossible conversations with the brass before I met Shepard. The whole universe goes crazy around her. Not that I’m complaining, but… what were we talking about?_  “And you didn’t answer my question. Sir."

"Al-Jilani got sued last year, did you know that? Libel case. Already got a PR release that manages to imply we’re adding her latest headline grab to the list of charges. By the time anyone figures out we’re not, we’ll probably have bad news about preparing for the Reapers to distract them with. Unfortunately." The officer sighed, though his back remained ruler straight, not one muscle relaxing into the chair. “Any other questions?"

"Uh." Too many to count? “I don’t think so."

"Good." Hackett stood up, nodding as Alenko scrambled to his feet as well. “Joker knows how to route things past the usual channels if something comes up. Good luck, Commander."

Kaidan stood in the quiet room for a moment, resisting the urge to rub his forehead.  _Of course Joker knows how to route things directly to the head of the Fifth Fleet. Why am I even surprised at that?_

Shoving his chair out of his way, the Alliance officer strode out of the room, retracing the path back to Anderson’s office as quickly as possible.  _Time to go tell Shepard we need to make new plans. Again._

* * *

Joker lifted his eyebrows slightly in surprise as the exterior monitor picked up the ground team returning to the ship.  _Huh. Earlier than expected. Guess I don’t need to send Mordin out as a phase 2 distraction after all. Too bad. Bet that would’ve been entertaining. Though the good doctor never appreciates being distracted from his research. Probably good I didn’t try that one, after all._

"Welcome aboard CO Shepard, XO Vakarian, Alliance Liason Alenko." EDI’s soft voice nonetheless filled the cockpit as she greeted the returning crew.

"Alliance Liason?" Joker spun his chair around to smirk at the new arrivals. “You’re all official like, huh? They know who you’re… liase-ing?"

Garrus chuckled softly, but only waved slightly as he continued toward the elevator. Shepard and Alenko both walked up into the cockpit to confront the wayward pilot.

"Are you implying Admiral Hackett would assign me here without knowing all the pertinent details?" Alenko raised a questioning eyebrow. “Because I think you know him better than that."

"And why are you still sitting here anyways? Didn’t you have an ‘or something’ to go to?" Shepard interrupted.

"That’s later." Joker waved a hand dismissively. “Just wondering if I needed to be sneaky cause you’d be back. Which you are. So I do."

"Now you’re just trying to mess with me, aren’t you?"

"That’s my job." Joker grinned unrepentently at his CO.

"That why you lined up Jack and Liara and who knows who else to distract me?" Shepard crossed her arms across her chest, leaning back against the bulkhead with a grin.

"I think he lined up Hackett, too." Alenko leaned equally casually against the opposite side of the hallway. “Since he goes around channels all the time, apparently."

"Course I go around channels all the time." Despite the commanders’ obvious amusement, Joker felt a curl of annoyance. “I’m a fucking Cerberus terrorist. Can’t call the man at home."

Shepard smiled sympathetically at him. “I’m sorry I dragged you into terrorism with me." Alenko made an unhappy coughing sound, and Joker couldn’t resist the chance to mess with him. “Yes. Terrorism. We are terrorists. You just joined a crew of terrorists. Don’t like that so much, do you? Now you know how we felt. Sort-of. Minus having the most important person in your life yell at you for it."

"Joker," Shepard hissed, her eyebrows drawn tight over her brown eyes as she scowled at him. “Knock it off. I thought you two were past this."

"I’m not still mad at him for yelling at you. Everyone yelled at you." His voice went up in pitch as he waved his arms in melodramatic distress. “How can The Savior of the Citadel be a Cerberus Sympathizer? Oh Noes! Shepard would never work for terrorists!"

Alenko just raised his eyebrows, obviously waiting for Joker to continue.

"Damn it all, why didn’t anyone care that I was working for terrorists?" Joker laughed slightly, but the bitter edge made him realize he was slightly serious.  _Only slightly though, right?_  “Not Garrus, not Tali, not Chakwas, not you." Joker frowned in Alenko’s general direction. “Even Hackett didn’t really care, just wanted to know what I knew when I could pass it on. Did no one think it odd I’d work for Cerberus?" He made his voice as high and plaintive as he could, sniffing a little in mock distress.

"How’d you know it was Cerberus?" Shepard’s voice interrupted his performance, eyes steady on her pilot.

"Huh?" Joker blinked as he tried to interpret her train of thought.

"The job offer. I’m sure they used some sort of dummy corporation. How’d you know it was them?"

"It was too perfect." He shrugged slightly. “The pay was very slightly better than anyone else, the benefits more specifically tailored to me, and they managed to imply they had a new medical treatment I might be interested in waiting in the wings from their R&D department. Without actually saying anything."

"Made you suspicious?" Alenko asked.

"Course." Joker scoffed. “And then they even managed to drag Chakwas into their R&D project. No one cares that much about a single pilot, even if he’s as good at his job as I am. Ulterior motive. Obviously."

"So why’d you take the job?" Shepard uncrossed her arms, leaning forward slightly.

"Had to find out what they were up to, didn’t I?" Always have to know what people are up to. Only way to stay a step ahead when you can’t actually walk ahead. Or run away when it goes bad.

"Did you know? What they were up to?" Alenko interrupted.

"Nah." Joker shook his head, pretending to ignore Alenko’s slight sigh.  _How different things could’ve been if you’d known before Horizon, huh? Or if any of us had known before Lazarus went crazy._  “Kept seeing former Alliance personnel all over the place. Space stations, docking rings, other ships. And hacking the database showed most of them flagged, someone keeping track of them, as if they wanted to be sure they could get them all in the same place at some point. Couldn’t figure out for what, though."

"You hacked their databases?" Shepard’s voice went up a bit in surprise. “What if you’d been caught?"

"There’s a lot of seriously creepy porn on the extranet. No one ever looks too closely at my files."

"Jeff has above average hacking skills, Commanders." EDI interjected in her smooth way. “Compared to standard low-level Cerberus encryption levels, I project that the probability of discovery was in the lowest tenth percentile."

"Aw, thanks Mom. Proud of me, are you?" Joker snorted.

"But why Hackett?" Alenko interrupted before EDI could answer.

 _Probably just as well. EDI always tries to shoot down my sense of humor. She’s even getting better at it._  Feeling proud of an AI was still a disconcerting sensation, so Joker dragged his attention back to the conversation. “Scariest, smartest man in the Fleet, right? And not quite as hand-tied as Anderson, or under as much scrutiny. And who trusts Udina with anything if they don’t have to?"

Shepard blew out a short laugh in agreement. “Unfortunately going to have to."

"What? Why?"

"Anderson’s stepping down," Alenko answered Joker instead of Shepard, who rolled her eyes to signify how much she’d liked that news.

"So the Ambassador gets the fancy corner office?" Joker rolled his eyes back at her in agreement. “Fuck."

"We’ve apparently still got Hackett on our side, though," Shepard pointed out. “He’s the one who warned us not to talk to the Council yet, and got Kaidan posted here, and is keeping the worst of the politicians off of the  _Normandy_."

"Would’ve been nice if he’d warned me sooner," Alenko muttered softly.

"Yeah, that’s probably my fault." Joker scowled uncomfortably. “I’m pretty sure he took what I’d said about Cerberus gathering Alliance backers, and the fact that I saw Shepard die, and made sure to keep you away from the new improved imposter version once rumors started popping up. By the time I’d realized they really brought her back, you were off the grid and Hackett wasn’t sure he could take just my word for it."

"Well, bringing me back should’ve been impossible." Shepard shrugged, obviously even more uncomfortable. “Can’t blame anyone for not believing it. Rather surprised so many people do, to be honest."

_Aw hell, I never know what to say when she gets that look on her face. “Sorry I got you killed, please don’t think about it too much," doesn’t seem the best bet._

Luckily Alenko had no such qualms, and took two quick steps across the aisle, his fingers grabbing hers as he dropped a soft kiss on her cheek. “You’re very obviously you, Cara." He leaned in to whisper something extra in her ear, something that inspired a sappy grin and a half-hearted smack to his chest, so Joker was pretty sure it was a good thing he hadn’t heard it.  _Would’ve had to make fun of it, and then they’d probably go back to trying to figure out his personal life, which wouldn’t get anyone anywhere._  Though deflecting them was rather entertaining.

"Room!" Joker interjected as Shepard tilted her head to give Alenko a kiss. “All you have to do is walk down to that elevator, and wow! Like magic, all the privacy you want."

"Huh." Shepard smiled slightly. “All our plans for today did just get thrown out the airlock, didn’t they?"

"That they did," Alenko smiled back. “None of the crew needs either of us until tomorrow." He leaned back slightly and offered her his arm, which she took with a grin.

"Behave, Joker, with your ‘or something’ alright? No more crew allowed on the news, got it?" Shepard called over her shoulder as they strode down the CIC.

"Yes, ma’am," Joker called back with a chuckle.  _And now I can get back to planning my evening without any more interruptions. Hopefully._


	29. Salvation

"Tell me a story?"

"What?" Kaidan looked at Cara in surprise. She hadn’t turned when she spoke up, just stood in the corner where she’d put away her armor, adjusting the last piece on the stand. He placed his omnitool carefully down on her desk and walked over to her, draping an arm around her shoulders and peering down into her face to try and interpret her expression. Which wasn’t giving anything useful away, besides the fact that whatever she was thinking was making her scowl, which made those wrinkles right above her nose that always made him smile.  _Not that me smiling will help with whatever is bothering her._

Dropping a kiss on her cheek, he tugged gently until she followed him over to the couches, settling down with a sigh as she crossed her feet on the coffee table and leaned her head back against the wall. “I can’t seem to figure out what to think about today," Cara explained as she stared up at the ceiling. “I feel twitchy. And tired. Despite not doing a damn thing."

"We, uh, walked back and forth a lot?" Pleased when she chuckled softly, he reached over to snag one of her hands, lacing their fingers together. “Though, getting all prepared for a game and having someone who wasn’t even supposed to be playing talk us into retreating to the sidelines for a timeout is a bit disconcerting."

He watched as she blinked slowly, processing his sentence at about half speed.

"Huh. Quite sure politics isn’t as fun as any proper game with rules and all, but yeah. That’s definitely part of it."

"Politics has rules. Be polite to reporters and don’t get caught doing anything." Cara snorted and rolled her eyes until she could see his face without moving her head. “Smart-ass."

"Anything to make you smile."  _Ah, that came out serious instead of joking. Not that it’s not true, but I was trying to lighten the mood._  He lifted up her hand, twisting it until he could kiss her palm. “Which includes telling you stories if that’s really what you want. I’m a little out of practice though. Haven’t attempted a fairy tale since my babysitting days before BAaT."

"None of my baby-sitters were ever as cute as you are." Cara smiled at him, her hand turning in his grasp to hold onto his fingers.

"I was a thin and awkward twelve year old nerd, who routinely destroyed the family desk-units trying to find better ways to put them back together. Don’t think you missed much."

"Aw, that sounds adorable." Cara shook slightly with silent laughter. “Someday, when we’re not all about to die, you are introducing me to your mother, and I am going to let her dig out all her old holos and photos and vids, and we are going to embarrass you for hours. Days, even." She sighed suddenly, her humor fleeing, eyes closing, but not before he caught the shine of unshed tears. “Damn I’m tired."

Kaidan shifted slightly, reaching his free arm across them both to gently smooth her hair back behind her ear. “I’ll be happy to tuck you into bed," he whispered.

"Hmm," she hummed in thought, a smile starting to curve the corner of her mouth. “Keep talking, mister. Not only do I love the sound of your voice, I do like what you’re saying there."

"Really?" His voice lightened slightly in amusement. “Should I be reading the official emails from the brass out loud to you, so you don’t get so annoyed at them then?"

"That’s a spectacular idea. I did throw my assistant at Miranda after all. Could be in the market for a new one." Cara’s hand squeezed his briefly.

"I’ll do my best to keep the chaos on our desk under control then."

"Our desk?" She finally opened her eyes to look at him again. “Huh. Yeah. Our desk. Should we get another one in here, you think?"

"Well, I was thinking I should get a few things from my apartment tomorrow, put the rest in storage?"  _This is as permanent as we’re going to have for awhile, right?_  “I can drag in my desk. Might have to get rid of that second couch."

"And an aquarium?"

Kaidan smiled slightly. “Tired of the blue light all the time? Or just the lack of fish?"

"Thought you might want some shelves or drawers. For stuff." Cara shrugged. “And yeah. The failure of the fish is rather annoying. No need to be reminded of death every day."

"Death, huh."  _And why is that bothering you more than usual today? How do I ask that?_  He started smoothing her hair behind her ear again, over and over, waiting quietly.

"Liara keeps saying Goddess Bless. Did she always do that? ‘Cause I don’t remember her always doing that." Cara turned her head into his touch until his hand was curved along her jaw, his thumb stroking her cheek.

"Not sure. Didn’t bother you. Before." Kaidan swallowed. It felt like the words had clawed their way out of his throat, the extra rasp of their escape obvious to both of them. They were inching towards something neither of them knew how to talk about, but he had no idea how not to talk about it either.  _Not if we’re still going to be together on this couch in another month, or another year, or a year after that._

"Nothing…" Cara whispered, her face still turned away from him, pushed into the palm of his hand. “Nothing was there." Kaidan pulled gently with both hands, turning her around until she moved on her own, tucking her head into the curve of his shoulder. He tightened his arms around her, closing his eyes as he listened to the catch in her breathing.

"Nothing you remember, Cara. Not the sort of memory you can bring back with you, I’d think." He barely heard her muffled snort, but he felt her hot breath against his neck when she shifted.

"That sounds suspiciously like a cheesy platitude."

"Doesn’t mean it’s not true." He rested his cheek against the top of her head.

"Doesn’t mean it is," she muttered.

"We can play the ‘is’/’is not’ argument for a few minutes like a couple of five year olds, if that’ll make you feel better?" He smiled as she snorted again. “We’re good at that, after all. Usually makes me feel better."

"We do not argue like five year olds," Cara nudged him with an elbow in the side.

"Do too."

"Do n-"

Kaidan let out a short laugh as she stopped mid-word in consternation. “See?"

Cara squirmed backwards until she could lift her head and glare at him, sticking out her tongue. As she caught his eyes, her expression relaxed into something more serious, her eyes moving as her gaze roamed his face. “I love you. More than anyone or anything… I just want to wrap myself around you and lock the door and never go out again." She sighed, her head drooping between her shoulders until he couldn’t see her face anymore. “But then I’d end up strangling us both to death. That’s probably not a good idea in the long run."

"Remarkably tempting, though," Kaidan whispered harshly. “I feel the same way, you know."  _After everything we’ve been through, if I don’t die in bed with you, the Universe will have a lot to answer for._

"Not very healthy of us, is it? Not very well rounded. I shoot things, and I sleep with you. That’s pretty much all I’ve got."

"You throw things around with your mind too." Kaidan leaned in to kiss her cheek, then aimed his next whisper into her ear. “And you’re very very good at all three of them."

"Hmmm," he felt her shiver slightly under his hands, which had settled against her hips while they’d been shifting around on the couch. “Not helping discourage my rampant obsession with your voice, are you?"

"Not in the slightest." He leaned sideways against the back of the couch, watching her closely. “Are you all right? Something in particular seems to be bothering you."

"I just…" She sighed again. “I miss my mom."

"Ah." _My poor Cara…_  “Don’t even have any pictures. Destroyed our homestead. Nothing left." She rubbed her nose with a slight sniff. “I used to worry I wouldn’t recognize her. When I saw her again. After. When it was over, when I was done. And then I… and I didn’t, her or anyone, or anything, and now I’ll never…" Tears were leaking out under her closed eyelids, streaking slowly down her cheeks.

"Cara…" His heart ached, his stomach roiling in panic and sympathy as he gathered her in his arms again.  _Don’t cry, I can’t… I know you need to…_  “my Cara." Her hands clenched tight behind his back, but her tears stayed slow and quiet, only punctuated by the occasional sniff. His fingers stroked slowly up and down her back as he forced himself to stay quiet and wait her out.

"I hate crying." Cara’s voice was thick, and muffled by his shoulder.

Kaidan sighed softly. “Good thing you don’t do it very often, then?"

"Yeah. Can’t breathe, get all gross and stuffed up. Give myself a headache." She paused and pulled back slightly. “Get your shirts all messy."

"Hey, at least I changed out of my A’s." Kaidan shrugged. “That would’ve been harder to clean."

"And I probably would’ve jabbed myself in the eye with your ribbon rack." Cara finally cracked a slight smile, though her expression was a bit wobbly.

"The perils of success?" Kaidan relaxed as her smile solidified. “And I don’t think you should be so sure you’ll never introduce us, anyways."

"How can you…"

"It wasn’t your time," he interrupted firmly. “Obviously, because you’re back here with me. Any more than that? There’s no way to know until it really is our time."

"Militant agnostic?"

Kaidan shrugged in amused agreement. “No one knows. Not even you."

"You’d think I’d get something out of two years in Purgatory. Crappy system, otherwise."

"I think you broke the system, dearest."

"Dearest?" Cara raised both eyebrows at him in surprise.

"Beautiful-est?" Kaidan grinned at her. “Loveliest, most amazing woman I’ve ever met?"

"And there you go, distracting me with that lovely voice and all those nice things you say. Again."

"My pleasure," he whispered into her mouth, right before she kissed him.


	30. Tradition

Jack stared up at the ceiling, trying not to do any of the things she normally did when she was grounded.  _Promised to behave. Fuck. No fighting or destroying shit. Can’t even go harass the pilot for entertainment, since his father swung by to drag him out to dinner._

She shrugged uncomfortably against the sheet under her shoulders, heels drumming slightly against the foot of her bed. Never knew what to think about other people’s families.  _Joker doesn’t like to think of him either. Don’t think they’ve talked much in years._

_And why the fuck am I sitting here worrying about the gimp and his family? Something wrong with me. Boredom._

_Crap. Don’t wanna screw this up. Must be nice, for once. Fucking hell. Shepard really has made me soft. So gonna get screwed over any moment. Other shoe’s gonna drop, someone’s gonna shoot me in the back…_

_But not tonight._

Rolling over, Jack flung herself out of bed, slamming her feet into her boots, yanking the laces and tucking them under the tongue without bothering to tie anything up.

"EDI, where’s our fearless leader?"

"If you are referring to Shepard, the commanders are both in the Loft," EDI replied promptly.  _Huh. Bitch-computer’s getting smarter. Answered more than I thought to ask._  “Privacy protocols on?"

"Negative."

"Then they won’t mind some company. Errands first. Where’s Gardner?"

"Mess Sergeant Gardner is in the crew quarters."

"Thanks." Jack grinned in the direction of EDI’s orb as she stalked her way out of engineering and headed for the elevator.  _If I’m gonna be surrounded by a bunch of damn goody-two-shoes, might as well use them to help keep myself distracted._

* * *

"Nice legs, Shepard, should show ‘em off more often."

Shepard rolled her eyes at Jack, seemingly unembarrassed to have been caught answering her door in nothing but a night shirt.  _Alenko’s shirt, from the look of it. Bet he likes that._

Shepard stepped back from the doorway and waved the ex-convict into her quarters. Jack stalked past her CO, shooting her a grin over her shoulder, before turning and eyeing Alenko, who raised an eyebrow at her stare, but didn’t move from where he was leaning against the desk, arms crossed in front of his naked chest.  _Huh. Man’s built._  Her eyes drifted down, and back up again, enjoying the whole package.  _And there are the pants to go with that shirt she’s got on._

"Matching PJ’s? Fucking ruins the dangerous marine rep, don’t you think?"

"You’re the one who barged in here, you can deal with our wardrobe choices," Shepard announced drily behind her. “Now, stop giving Alenko the once over and tell me why you’re up here?"

"But it is such a nice view, Shepard. Should talk him into wandering around shirtless more often."

"Not going to happen." Alenko said, but he had that familiar half-smile of his nonetheless.  Shit, I do not scare the man.  Is that good? "What do you want, Jack?"

"Invitation for you." She spun on her toes, tilting her head as she looked back at Shepard. “Movie night. In the mess. Popcorn even." She smirked slightly. “Crew’d probably like it if you both showed up in your current get-ups."

"Yeah. Not going to happen," Shepard echoed Alenko with a smile of her own. “We’ll be down in five."

"You mean I’m the only one who gets to see this? I feel so special. Not interested in a threesome Shepard. Just in case."

Shepard rolled her eyes again and waved Jack back out the door, accompanied by the sound of a strangled grunt from Alenko.

Jack snickered softly to herself on the ride back down to the crew deck.  _Ooh, law and order’s much too easy to embarrass. Bet Joker’s already planning ways to harass the man. I’ll have to help now, won’t I? Just a little?_

"All right people!" Jack called out as she strode around the corner from the elevator. “The commanders are on their way, let’s get this show started." Perching on a handy table in a corner, Jack watched as everyone else ran back and forth, sorting snacks and drinks and shoving chairs around according to some mysterious layout in Gardner’s head, since he seemed to be the one doing the most pointing and talking.

It was just about as hilarious as she’d thought it’d be, and she snickered happily, munching on the bowl of something that was apparently called “puppy chow" she’d grabbed in passing.  _Dumb name. Who wants to eat dog food? Or dog? But hey, pretty good. Chocolatey._

 _But now I’m thirsty. If I get up though, Gardner’ll try and put me to work, and then I’ll have to remind him I’m not the kind of person you put to work, and it’ll make a big scene. Not worth it._ Jack scowled down at her empty bowl, hoping everyone would settle and start the damn movie so she could get her damn drink without drawing attention to her-damn-fool-self, and…

"Thirsty?" Jack glanced up, blinking at her own face reflected slightly in Tali’s visor.

"Uh, sure." She reached out and snagged the can out of the quarian’s grasp. “Thanks?"

Tali shrugged, her head tilting slightly to the side. Jack had gathered that usually meant she was smiling. “Everyone else with that brown crumbly stuff seemed to need a couple drinks."

"Better than weird green cubes," Jack nodded at the levo snacks Gardner had stuck at the end of the table for Tali and Garrus.

"That’s what you think." Tali’s head tilted the other way. “I’m pretty happy with it."

 _Now the little quarian girl is laughing at me._  It was oddly not annoying. Usually people laughing at her was annoying. But Tali was always so nice about it. Tali was generally nice about everything. _Until you kick the wrong pipe, then she manages to scare the crap out of you. And you can’t even see her damn eyes when she’s all yelling and glaring._

"Glad to hear it," Jack muttered.

Tali chuckled softly and headed off to her own seat, familiar with the end of Jack’s social patience.

The commanders finally arrived, all covered up in jeans and shirts and boots, and Jack resisted the urge to comment on it.  _Look, I’m learning to play nice._

She shrugged uncomfortably, her skin tight and itchy at the thought.  _Shit, why’d I do this again? Coulda just snuck off to a good bar or something…_

Instead, she watched Shepard and Alenko settle into their seats, everyone in the crew finding some excuse to wander by before sitting down themselves. Gardner waved at Hadley, and the lights went out, and the projection flickered to life. Some human version of a famous asari drama, turned into a lurid action flick. So bad it was hysterical. Hopefully.

Or else everyone would be chucking their snacks through the holo-projection in protest. Or at whoever suggested the movie. Crew tradition. Jack checked to make sure she knew where Gardner was hiding, so she had a clear shot at him. If necessary.

But it was pretty funny. Poorly adapted asari drama, impossible biotics. Lead chick used them to fly for fuck’s sake. Various members of the audience shouting insults and corrections every other line. Jack pulled her feet up on the table, and leaned comfortably against the wall.  _Kinda nice. Guess it’s worth not picking a fight._

_Besides, Gardner makes damn good snacks. Should see if there’s any caramel corn hiding over there._

"Disgustingly cute, aren’t they?" Jack turned and grinned at Joker, unsurprised he’d found her corner.  _Gimp always makes sure he knows where everyone is._

"They are." She patted the table next to her. “Join me?"

Joker grinned and handed over a bowl of popcorn. “Scoot over then, crazy lady."

"I’ll scoot you, fuck-wit," Jack grumbled, but she edged sideways so Joker had more room to slowly maneuver himself up next to her.

"So, you got their lovebirds out of their nest, huh?" Joker asked once he was settled. Jack shrugged. “Just asked if they wanted to come. Gotta see their jammies though."

"Shit, I always miss the good stuff. Silk? Lace? Funny pictures?"

"Cotton." Jack snorted. “Blue stripes. You’ve known them how long? Moron."

"Hope springs eternal." Joker grinned as he passed over another can of soda.

"And what if Alenko had the silk or the lace?" Jack opened the can and took a slug before turning back to Joker with a smirk. “Still fucking hopeful?"

"Kinky. I can work with kinky."

Jack rolled her eyes and pretended to focus on the movie. She couldn’t seem to keep her attention off Shepard, though. She’d come downstairs with a smile, but her eyes had never stopped moving, keeping track of everyone in the room all the time. Every time another member of the crew had trickled in, she’d relax just a little bit more. And every time she smiled, Alenko relaxed a bit more himself.

Now that everyone was here, her eyes were finally focused on the movie, her shoulders relaxed as she and Alenko sprawled together across their chairs, joining in the laughter and insults every time the very weak plot did something particularly impossible, sharing a bowl of popcorn resting in his lap.

_Damn Shepard. Likes the people. Takes care of the people. Makes me like the damn people too. Soft and squishy, all of us. Shit._

Jack suddenly realized she was smiling, and grabbed a handful of popcorn to shove in her mouth to hide it.  _Laughing at the movie, that’s it. Fuck. I’m not very damn convincing._

Joker snickered softly next to her. “S’ok Jack. I won’t tell anyone you like us. Promise."

"Shut up."

"Only ‘cause you asked so nicely."  _Damnit. Dangerous having a place to stay that’s more than just a place. More to lose. More can go wrong._

_Stupid fucking Shepard._

Jack didn’t try to hide the smile this time.  _What the hell. It’s kinda nice. While it lasts._


	31. Resolution

"Can’t believe you’re really both officially retired." Joker shook his head slightly from his spot across the breakfast table. “Aren’t you going to be bored? No shooting things, same sky every morning?"

"Nah," Cara breathed out softly as she leaned against Kaidan’s side, their hands intertwined where they rested across their laps. The plain bands around their fingers were new enough she was distracted by the feel of them as his grip tightened slightly. “Don’t think boredom will be a problem."

"Gah," Jack made a face from her perch on a stool at the end of the table. “Still sickening cute. Thought you woulda outgrown that by now."

"Never," Kaidan spoke up, and Cara tilted her head to smile up at him. “I plan to continue being sickeningly cute even after we’re old and grey and none of the neighbors believe she’s really _that Shepard_  anymore." She felt him shrug against her temple, a slight smile hovering around his mouth.

"That part should only take about fifty years."

"Well, if you ever get tired of shocking the neighbors, let us know. We’ll come pick you up." Joker grinned.

"Joker, I love you like a brother, but I am tired of being the center of attention." Cara sighed contentedly, looking around the quiet kitchen flooded with golden morning sunlight. Most of her former crew-mates had finished their good-byes the night before, but Joker always had to get the last word in. And had stayed one more night to guarantee it. “And there is no way you will manage to stay out of trouble for more than, oh, a week."

"I give us three days," Jack smirked.  _And Jack might never admit it, but she’s going to miss us too. I’d tell her it’s mutual, but then she’d break something just to prove it’s not a big deal._

Cara laughed in agreement. “Just try not to be too pirate-y when your patience wears out, k?"

"Gimp won’t let me get an eyepatch." Jack grinned, the surprisingly open expression making her face even more beautiful than usual. “Or a funny hat, or even a parrot. How can I be a pirate queen without the proper costume?"

"I’m a guy. I prefer you half-naked with visible eyes and lips." Joker shrugged. “Never expected you’d listen to me."

Jack rolled her eyes, but her lips curved into a slight smile. “You’re in charge man. Gotta at least pretend to listen to the pilot if I want him to fly me around to all the interesting places."

Kaidan chuckled. “Oh Joker, you’re somehow the adult on board, aren’t you? The galaxy is doomed."

"Don’t go undoing all our hard work and destroying the universe as we know it, please?"

Cara giggled as Joker pretended to scowl at her. “We are actual official, mandated Alliance Privateers, Shepard." Joker corrected. “Not Pirates, not random loose cannons As such, I have promised we’ll keep the mayhem to a minimum."

"Or at least aim it at actual bad guys." Jack added.

"Well, the offer goes both ways, you know," Cara leaned forward slightly, the smile fading to a more serious expression. “If you ever need help, or a quiet place to recuperate from your adventures, we’ll be here. Promise. The door is always open for our crew."

"We know," Jack shrugged slightly, almost twitching on her stool.  _And that’s too serious for this morning._

"Aren’t you scheduled to depart in an hour?" Kaidan interrupted, obviously reading her mind, as usual. “Don’t want to be late to fly, do you Joker?"

Joker snorted softly. “That would wreck my own rep a bit." He pushed slowly away from the table, and stood quietly for a moment. “We’ll miss you."

Sliding her way off the bench, Cara walked around the table to give him a hug. “You too," she whispered in his ear before stepping back so Kaidan could say his good-bye as well.

She took a careful step closer to Jack. “Try and stay in touch, got it?"  _I’d hug you too, but you’d probably slug me._  Cara was pleasantly surprised when Jack slid off her stool and wrapped her arms around her for one brief, hard embrace.

"Sure thing," the former convict whispered softly, before dodging around Cara’s slightly stunned body to give Kaidan a quick hug too. “Take care of her, loverboy."

"Will do." Kaidan’s raspy whisper was still Cara’s favorite sound in the galaxy, and she couldn’t resist shooting him a quick smile before carefully shooing the last of their guests on their way.

"Remember to close your curtains when you decide to christen the rest of your house, now that you have neighbors," Joker called out over his shoulder as Jack dragged him towards the rental sitting outside, shooting a brief wave of her own before smacking him lightly on the back of the head.

"And that’s why no one ever takes you anywhere nice with fluffy bunnies," she reminded him as he tucked himself in behind the driver’s seat. “You don’t know how to behave."

"And you do?"

Cara could see his grin through the windows as Jack slid into the passenger’s seat.

"No. But I never try to pretend I’m fit for polite company, jack-ass. You are periodically a fuck-wit, and think you are." She blew Cara and Kaidan a kiss as Joker revved the hovercar and headed towards the spaceport, his retort lost to distance as they drove away.

Cara heard Kaidan’s footsteps behind her, and then his arms were wrapped around her, what felt like his cheek resting against the top of her head. “Home sweet home, all to ourselves at last, huh?"

"Not sure I know what to do with the idea that there’s no one else here, and nothing I have to do today," Cara twisted around in his arms until she was facing him, leaning into his embrace and wrapping her arms around his chest as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"Grocery shopping?" Kaidan suggested, and she felt his soft chuckle vibrate against her entire body. “Our friends pretty much devoured all our supplies before running away."

"And I even thought I bought extra." Cara sighed. “That would mean I’d have to move, though."

"Or," Kaidan drawled the word out slowly, “we could forget the groceries. We do actually live on a planet now. With restaurants. That deliver."

"We do?" Cara leaned back slightly and smiled up at him. “Well, then, what did you have in mind instead?"

She squeaked in surprise when, instead of answering, he scooped her up in his arms. It took a moment for her to catch her breath, but then she clasped her hands behind his neck and grinned at him delightedly. “Taking advantage of that newlywed status, are you?"

"I did just realize," he said as he turned around, “that I never properly carried you over any thresholds yet."

"Offended your traditional sensibilities have we?"

"Perhaps." He aimed his ridiculously sweet and sexy half-smile at her, turning slightly sideways to get them both through the doorway.

"Or," he whispered softly as the door slid shut behind them, “maybe I just can’t keep my hands off you." His lips found hers, as he held her in the hallway, sure and strong and sweet, and she closed her eyes and lost herself in simple joy.

Love and lust, and for the first time in at least twenty years, peace, filled her heart until the ache in her chest was so strong she could barely breathe, her hands clenching tightly behind Kaidan’s neck, her weight shifting in his arms as she pulled herself up into the kiss. Kaidan’s hands slid to her hips, and her feet lowered slowly to the floor, until she was standing on her toes, her entire body leaning against his warmth.

Her head dropped softly to his shoulder when the kiss stopped, listening to him breathe, enjoying the scent of new home, laminate, plastic, sun-warmed dust, and Kaidan, ozone, musk, maple syrup from breakfast.

She realized, when she felt him chuckle again, that she was practically purring, a happy sigh vibrating deep in her chest. She leaned back to look him in the face, and her breath caught. Warm sun highlighted the tight curls in his dark hair, lightened his eyes as he smiled at her.

"I will never get tired of that view," she whispered, her hands sliding up to cup his cheeks.

"Me neither," he whispered back, his hand sliding up her arm, his fingers pausing to feel the edges of her ring as he reached her hand. “Wife."

"Husband." She blinked, feeling tears hiding deep in her eyes. “I don’t think I ever really believed we’d make it."

"Had my doubts a time or two. Or twenty." His forehead slowly dropped forward to rest against hers. “Never been so glad to be wrong."

"Hell yeah." She grinned as he snorted softly. “What are we going to do with our miraculous second… third…" she scowled slightly, thinking back on all the times things had almost gone horribly wrong. “forty-millionth chance?"

"Well, the honeymoon should only take a year or so," Kaidan suggested with a grin of his own, “and by then I’m sure we’ll have found something else to distract ourselves with."

"A year or so?" Cara laughed. “I have always loved the way you think."

"I equally adore everything about you," he rasped softly, dipping his head briefly to kiss her neck, his nose tickling right behind her ear. She moaned slightly and tilted her head back.  _He always gets just the right spot…_

He lifted his head and chuckled softly, continuing in a slightly louder, more even tone of voice. “Though I think I’m getting old on you. Sorry."

"What?" She blinked at him in confusion, trying to remind her brain how to talk rather than plot the fastest way to get them both naked. “You’re not the slightest bit old."

"Yes, but there was a time when a lack of a chair, or table, or carpeting, wouldn’t have slowed me down the slightest. Now… I keep thinking of the nice soft bed in our room."

Cara turned her head slightly, peering down the slight hallway to the room at the back of the house, across an expanse of honey-dark wood to a wall of sparkling windows, without much of any thing else in the way of the view. She snickered softly. “Furniture shopping definitely needs to go on the list. Single soldier housing and shipboard postings does not incline one to purchase, oh, a couch for the hypothetical living room."

"Tomorrow."

She tilted her head back towards him with a smile when he spoke, kissing him softly on the cheek when he finished. “Finally have a lot of those, don’t we?"

"That we do." He bumped her nose gently with his own. “Plenty of time to pick out upholstery and curtains. But today…" He dipped back to her neck, his lips sending pleasant shivers along her spine and all the way down to her knees.

"Bed?"

"Bed." He scooped her back up in his arms, laughing as she gasped, and headed further into their new home.


End file.
